I am also pretty mad at my uncle and some thoroughly ingrained scapegoating family dynamics after that mail earlier. One of the reasons I hadn’t gotten in touch with him for years before this came up, tbqh.

He’s trying to be nice, and I have never been the Designated Family Scapegoat myself. Just her kid. (I actually thought I might have inherited the role with her gone, especially as bad as I am at staying in touch. But, it’s not sounding that way.)

What got me today was that we were having an only tangentially related e-mail conversation, with him making an effort to get along because he was glad to hear from me. And that thinking is still so deeply ingrained that he had to get in a barely veiled victim-blaming dig at his dead sister anyway.

To make it even better–and more exasperating–a dig that directly echoed some horribly abusive shit my Mamaw said to my mother in front of me when I was 6 and my parents had just finally split. That scene was bad enough that I still remember it pretty much verbatim–and then my mom further got blamed for making her mother that upset 😡

My uncle probably doesn’t even know where he got that specific line of crap, other than Everybody Knows. Which honestly just makes it worse. There’s not a lot of room for reflection or insight, and I just get so tired. It’s not even directed at me, but jfc I do get tired.

Anyway, I know I’m not in the best emotional state, even without that. And I know I’m a little too prone to jumping into anger as a distraction from worrying about other matters. Anger is easier to deal with in some ways. (My uncle is also the same way, whether or not he’s as aware of what’s going on with it. I recognize the pattern too well. Yay, Family OCD Brain on trauma! 😵)

One reason I am just sitting on that message for a while, yeah. Not that I think hollering at him would do much good anyway. Definitely not when it comes to behavior like that.

Besides setting myself up as Unreasonable, of course. I know that pattern too. I’m more exasperated right now because I don’t think he is always even consciously aware that he’s baiting. As was just demonstrated again.

clatterbane:

But yeah, reminded with the great parenting example? My mother actually found James Woods’ performance in The Boost extremely triggering when she watched it, with some way too familiar character behavior. Speaking of running with some salesman stereotypes. That was also when she really started wondering if coke might have been a factor earlier.

Combined with the fact that he was basically working for the Sopranos for a while.

(And, I would add in terms of ethics, happy enough to flog equipment to the destructive mining industry on their behalf for years if the pay was good enough. With all the money flowing around the mining industry, it’s hardly surprising there at least used to be a lot of not so secret Mob involvement. I don’t know about anymore, but it’s not like the money has dried up there.)

Again, I don’t know if the details even really matter as to why he did crash pretty spectacularly and his behavior got way more erratic.

But yeah, I am still kind of conflicted about having had no contact with him (by his choice) since like 1986. It’s also hard to separate out some of my mom’s really unbalanced splitting behavior and wanting to blame him for literally everything that ever went wrong–to the point she kept taking it out on me because I reminded her of the man–from his very real lousy behavior. With someone I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 11 years old. When he was several years younger than I am now.

I don’t know if trying to get back in touch as a grown-ass adult would even be good for any closure there. But, I’ve been thinking about it some lately. My mom is also not around to flip completely out on me in response to whatever I might decide to do there.

(Assuming he’s still around, anyway. I know where he was, and he was still there 10 years ago. But he’d be getting up there, and it’s not like he was taking great care of himself before he hared off, way back when. Who knows.)

I ran across this post from like a year and a half ago, while looking for something else.

Now that it turns out that the man is, indeed, still around and also trying to get in touch? I’m still conflicted in pretty much the same ways.

Honestly, if he hadn’t managed to get his shit together at least somewhat compared to when I was last around him? He might not have made it past 70 at all. His behavior was that unstable back then, just going by what I personally witnessed and trying to leave my mother’s takes out of it. And hopefully he has the sense not to pop up out of the blue to try and start shit. Who knows.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this whole situation more than I wanted to tonight, after getting another mail from my uncle earlier. And apparently needed to vent some–with as close to a neutral uninvolved audience as you could hope for.

(I’m also mad again right now, with the reminder that this neutrality description is the exact opposite of the therapy I got forced into when I was younger. Which was…not what I needed, to put it mildly. But, again, parents as the real clients and conflicts of interest :/ My head would not be in some of the specific knots it is now without that. Likely some other types of knots, but not ones installed by professionals.)

ridiculousbirdfaces:

porphyrias-hater:

ridiculousbirdfaces:

So many people have sent me DMs about how crazy I am to sit with an emu. I raised these emus and respect them. When I administer medication or vaccines to these same animals they become dangerous to restrain and this species has sent me to the hospital before. It’s worth it considering the animals you care for MUST receive veterinarian care yearly. The emu in the picture is “Happy Emu”. He likes to plop in-front or on-top of you for skritches and cuddles. None of this behavior is forced. He likes to rest his neck on your shoulders. If I just reach out my hand he instantly plops on the ground. This was never trained or forced on him. He is an ambassador for his species to small children and occasionally a petting zoo candidate.

And yes that is a N7 hoodie. Shakarian shipper (of course!).

Was he soft?

not really, his feathers are in the middle.