I always say the reason shit like that happens is because the parents are typically the actual client in therapy. They put the kid there but the issue is really the parents are having problems and want their kid to be “fixed”. I had that problem with therapy even when I wasn’t a minor.
Even when I got therapy under my own initiative as an adult my therapist sided with my mom. I think some of that is deferring to parental authority, and treating disabled adults who live with their parents as still being under parental authority, but I think a small part of that is also that therapists are trained to deal with abuse as something in the past with lingering effects today, and not trained to notice present, ongoing abuse.
It happens in other relationship dynamics, too. A woman whose husband was abusing her went in for marriage counseling. The counselors only recognized that their job was to make marriages work, not to recognize when they were abusive. So they sat there and didn’t bat an eye while her husband related how much he fantasized about murdering her in her sleep. Nobody took her aside to ask her if she was okay, or anything.
BASICALLY. Like people seem to grasp this on some level with insurance blocking certain treatments for example, but yeah the person who is paying or sending you there is going to be the actual client with the most pull. Kids are not the clients, the parents are. Even when you are an adult, when disabled (which you are if you are being forced into threarment most likely) your parents will always be viewed as the more credible actual client. I was technically with the last parent hired therapist until I think maybe 19 even? But it still functioned like my mom was in charge even with her no longer getting the reports. She hired him not me.
And when I was 19 my home situation was actually my biggest issue. I actually had a job and stuff but could still not have a social life. I would complain about shit like mom blocking my car in the driveway so I couldn’t leave the house and she got brought in “well you never ask!”
Because you say no. Why would I ask if every fucking time you say no you are too tired you already got in your pajamas at 5pm so you don’t feel like it. The goal posts move. It’s my fault I always miss the kick.
It’s so infuriating people act like therapists don’t often side with abusers when a lot of the people going in to see them would be being sent there by said abusers like it is literally profitable to agree with the abuser. People who have never experienced this do not seem to understand how different the system is when you have been thrown in against your will because someone in your life wants you “fixed” for their personal convenience vs being about to take your time choosing a not awful one and being able to fire them if they do a shitty job, and how if you have experienced that therapy will never ever be a “safe space” for you because that has been betrayed too many times to trust someone with it again.
Like I didn’t want to derail that last post but honestly I legit wonder if it’s ethical to send kids to therapy period because of that stuff.
In most cases, your parents are the ones in control in that situation so you risk the therapist telling on you (confidentiality does not apply w/underage kids to their parents) or just your parents convincing them you made it all up.
The first time I had a therapist agree how I was being treated was wrong, was when I went WILLINGINGLY AS AN ADULT. No hired by my parents while underage one EVER took my side. This seems to be a common experience among friends with similar issues. All the therapy they got while underage sided with their parents, only now as adults with therapists they went to themselves do they hear “you didn’t deserve that”.
I don’t think I know a single person who got therapy as a kid and that isn’t like, the #1 focus of their current therapy now, undoing the damage the childhood therapy did. Idk if I can ever recover from the belief it is my fault and I deserve all the abuse I get because that’s what I was told from ages 5-18 from every person supposed to be helping me. Imagine being told it’s your fault for being bullied at 5 for being weird. Imagine being told as a teenager your parents not letting you leave the house because you apparently cannot be trusted to walk a block to the supermarket in a suburb so safe your parents didn’t even lock the doors until some kid tried to take your dad’s mustang for a joy ride. And then telling someone about it and hearing “you need to be a good normal kid and it will all stop”. I literally got more support from childrens books then I did from therapy as far as “this is not normal and being upset is reasonable”.
If you are that young you haven’t developed a solid base for stuff like self esteem yet, when you get it enforced by all the authority sources that You Are The Problem and the people hurting you are Fine, the base you are trying to build is going to be full of holes and 20 years later you’re trying in vain to patch them all, but you were a self fufilling prophecy from lack of confidence and you have nothing that disproves the bad things you were told still. And now you aren’t a kid you have No Excuses at all because you failed to outgrow it. You end up just cementing the abusive narrative as being deserved and ok because you asked for help and was told you don’t need any, you are the problem.
I get people want to believe there is a system in place that usually protects people but the odds ime are much higher intervention just makes everything worse because said intervention doesn’t really seem to care about the victims. Dismissing people saying being thrown in these systems hurt more then helped and trying to discourage them from talking about it doesn’t help anyone.
Chemical restraint is not the same as actually helping someone.
If you are trying to solve a problem by biochemically changing the way someone’s brain works, that requires their consent. It requires their consent no matter the circumstances, because some things are just never ever okay even if you have a really good reason.
People who are aggressive are still people. Yes, someone’s right to swing their fist ends where someone else’s face begins, but someone’s right to their own brain does not end when they do things that hurt other people. I notice no one suggests that we should forcibly medicate, say, all parents who believe in spanking, or all therapists who believe in forcibly restraining people for nonviolent noncompliance. If people were suggesting that, that would be horrifying!
Yes, aggression is bad for everyone. Yes, if an autistic person is hurting people that doesn’t suddenly become okay because they are autistic or they are in pain or any of that. But chemical restraint also hurts people, and that also matters.
Not everyone feels this way, but I was medicated for a lot of things- it was supposed to control anxiety and aggressivity and stimming and my “problem” of trying to avoid people who were abusing me and maybe generalized defiance? and it was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me in my life by an order of magnitude. And, while my life is pretty good, it’s not like nothing bad has ever happened to me! I have experienced brain damage, and really horrible episodes of mental illness, and some stuff people seem to agree is pretty horrific abuse, and chronic pain, and stuff that might have technically counted as sexual assault. None of that even compares to the experience of being forcibly medicated, which I still have nightmares about. Part of it is what actually happened- I still can’t describe it very well, but I felt as if some of the best parts of me and my capacity for deep feeling had been sucked out my ears, and I had been dropped into a horror movie that didn’t make sense. Part of it is the horror of people having that amount of power over me, not just what people did do, but the fact that people can do stuff like that to me if they decide they want to, and there’s not that much I can do about it. My capacity to feel joy, or to not be physically ill, and whether my life is a horror movie is in the hands of people who still think that that medication helped me and made my life better. This drives my fear of doctors, which sometimes leads to me avoiding necessary medical care, and my fear of people in general, where whenever I talk to people I am afraid I’ll get them to say something to my parents that will get me drugged. The fear of being medicated also led to me not admitting that I was being abused in situations where I otherwise would have, and taking back confessions I did make because some people thought I was crazy.
And I know people who have had way worse experiences with medication than I have, who are lucky they are still alive.
I’m sure there are some situations where forced medication causes a good outcome- just as some people will testify that being spanked as a child helped them, but it is a still a bad idea to spank your child- but no one can know that that is going to happen in advance, and humans are humans. No one should have that amount of power over another person’s brain. The best case scenario for forced medication is that it actually helps, but the worst case scenario is that you end up basically torturing someone you care about and they can’t express it in a way you can understand, or are too afraid to, assuming you’re listening.
Of course, if the person is okay with taking medication, and you can work with them to find a medication that helps with their impulse control or emotional problems or what have you and helps them hurt other people less, consensually, that is absolutely great.
Being in a horrible untenable situation with no good solutions and not enough support doesn’t mean you have to resort to chemical restraint. If that’s you, I’m really really sorry and I’m sorry I don’t have a good solution for you. I have an article about some environment changes that can sometimes really help with aggression, many of which you may have already tried if you are considering chemical restraint, but I don’t have that much:
when it comes to consciousness raising you can spend time telling someone “crazy” is a slur or you can spend time explaining that what looks like “care” or “cure” or “mercy” to them is actually eugenics or abuse. one of these projects has to precede the other and i bet you can guess which one i would prioritize
you’re either going to build a base of clueless liberals who learn by rote to nitpick their language for anything with the remotest connection to ability, or you’re going to help them develop the alertness and critical eye necessary to recognize eugenics and abuse. i don’t think those things are mutually compatible in an immediate timeframe, because one locates both the root and branch of oppression in a disembodied cloud of language and thought, and the other locates it in the real material structures that we need to confront immediately in order to save actual lives. not saying “crazy” isn’t going to get anyone out of forced institutionalization
how about this: when i was 9 and my stepdad beat me until i passed out and i told my friends at school, my teacher over heard and i was interviewed by cps. they also went to my house when i was at school. when i got home, my step father was waiting on the couch, and told me who visited him that day. he told me if i ever snitched again he would beat me to within an inch of my life.
how about this: my mother locked me out of the house when i was 14 and when i cried so loud the neighbors called the cops, the cop told me i should have been respectful of my mother who was trying to sleep.
how about this. the demon you know is less scary than the demon you don’t.
children in abused households are raised to fear the idea of being taken away. children in abusive households see that help makes things worse.
dont you ever blame an abuse victim for not going to the authorities.
yes this okay to reblog!
Also, a lot of abused children don’t realize that they’re being abused or the extent of the abuse. It’s their normal. Their minds are formed by their experiences and if all they’ve known is one existence it can be difficult to recognize that it’s wrong
STORY TIME!
Under a cut for those sensitive to stories from survivors
The idea of seeking help from other people only makes sense to those who grew up thinking that other people are able and willing to help them if they need it. This is the one thing you will never learn in abusive household, and will never believe even decades after you leave it for a non toxic environment. The scars carved into your brain are too deep.
Asking somebody who grew up in an abusive environment why they didn’t call the police or child services or somebody else is like asking them why they didn’t stick their hand in an open flame. They learned a long time ago that they will get burned.
Also, if you see abuse happening, and you report it, and nothing comes of that report, you have just made things worse because the abuser has a better idea of what they can get away with. If there’s a proper way to use the system to actually protect people from abuse, I don’t know what it is; the thing about having any sort of system in place to try to help people is that abusers, like all bullies, are experts at exploiting systems for their own benefit. If anyone does know, please reblog with your recommendations and experiences because people need to know.
I wish there was more discussion on how eating disorders in children can be a result of abuse. My parents thought I was just anorexic because I hated my body, but it turned out I just wanted some sort of control over the chaos in my home, and a way to draw attention to my suffering.
One of the issues with eating disorders is that it actually very often results from abuse, exactly for the reason you named. With how dieting is seen as this act of self control and discipline, it’s very easy for individuals craving that to resort to abusing exercise or weight loss. Chemically, under-eating and over eating relieve anxiety, as do other self harming behaviors so really, it should be seen as a symptom of a bigger problem, cause that’s what it is, but the popular view of eating disorders is as being an isolated result of poor self image on women caused by the media and peer pressure.
Probably after Karen Carpenter’s anorexia related death– which started the public interest in eating disorders, there came an association with the media and the female image, which definitely contributes, but they’ve tried to isolate eating disorders as stemming only from self image, when really? these cultural factors are more of a “push” than a source and do more to dictate what kind of self harming behavior someone might exhibit rather than being the cause of it.
It’s extremely common for individuals to have eating disorders fueled by religious beliefs ala Catherine of Siena who saw fasting as purifying (which of course many religious believe), it’s common for victims of CSA to exhibit it in order to feel control over their own bodies, or for it to come from people with OCD…
What I’m getting to is that this view of eating disorders as being something solely associated with women suffering from poor self image is simply detrimental as it rarely offers consideration for other possibilities and even more harmful, ignores that there’s always a core problem. You can’t treat eating disorders without treating what caused them.
dude i found out that a black girl in my school was literally being poisoned by her white roommate explicitly because shes black. like this bitch was deadass putting mold and bloody tampons and shit like that in her food and lotions and hair stuff. it got so bad that the girl had a constant sore throat that never went away and at one point she couldnt even fucking speak
and the dumb white bitch BRAGGED ABOUT THIS on her insta??? like what a fucking idiot i hope her ass gets arrested and rots in jail. i feel horrible for this girl being assaulted like this just for being black and not knowing the whole time that her roommate was literally killing her
im honestly aghast, and the worst part is that i know the administration at my school is gonna try and sweep this shit under the rug with no punishment for this disgusting racist girl. its so evil and im really furious
ok heres what i know
basically this racist white bitch (dont know her name, but her finsta is @breezy_bumble_b) was roommates with a black girl named jazzy rowe. things were already bad with them, since the racist bitch was clearly racist, so jazzy had recently moved out. a short time ago, said racist bitch posted this comment on her instagram:
im not sure how long it took for the screenshot to reach jazzy, but i know that she said one of her neighbors friends told her. the racist bitch had around 100 followers on her finsta, so the fact that only ONE person contacted jazzy is disgusting to me
jazzy has stated that she was told repeatedly that nothing can be done about this until the school finishes its investigation, and im willing to bet the school will drag this shit on forever to make people forget. the fact that this racist bitch is still going to school here is insane. this is an obvious hate crime and she needs to be arrested for deliberately trying to harm a black student. if i find out anything else about the situation, ill keep you guys posted
edit: i forgot to mention that the school is the university of hartford. it says the school on jazzy’s facebook page, but just in case yall can’t see that
BOOST THIS PLEASE
KILL
Literally poisoning her, how is she not in jail? Evil
As of today, she has been arrested. The university put out a statement and said mugshot would not be released until tomorrow at the earliest.
Brianna Rae Brochu, 18, was arrested on Saturday and charged with third-degree criminal mischief and second-degree breach of peace. Brochu, of Harwinton, was released without having to post bail and is scheduled to appear in Hartford Community Court on Wednesday…
Police did not charge Brochu with a hate crime, but Woodward wrote in his campuswide message that the incident “has brought about accusations of racism, and I want you to know that I hear and share your anger and frustration.
So, two misdemeanor charges after the situation got enough attention, and it sounds like the roommate officially admitted to a lot less than what she had already bragged about doing on Instagram 😒
I think one of the consequences of SJ’s tendency to refuse to empathise is that people who are oppressed for reasons that aren’t often discussed get pushed away, often to anti-SJ places, simply because their axis of oppression isn’t the most commonly discussed.
A lot of disabled people need to discuss the oppression they face as disabled people. Sometimes disabled men try to discuss the ways in which they are abused and oppressed primarily by women. There are patterns of abuse of disabled men which are predominantly done by women. There are ways in which non-disabled women use the power they have as non-disabled people to hurt disabled men, sometimes using gender and sexism as a way to portray themselves as victims. These situations are complicated, and it can be hard to tell just by looking at them who is the victim.
SJ forgets disability so much, and is so used to looking at easily visible things like race and gender, that sometimes people look at a situation, and go “clearly that man is privileged over that woman, she must be the victim in this situation”. If you’re a disabled man trying to talk about this, having your experiences of oppression dismissed as “male tears” or “privileged whining” is alienating in a way that could easily push you away.
The MRA belief that women have “female privilege” is inaccurate. But if your experiences of oppression as a disabled man have been primarily at the hands of women, and your foray into SJ spaces didn’t identify this as disability based (because no one remembers disability), then what anti-SJ and MRA spaces are saying sounds like a more accurate description of your experiences.
Yes! And on a similar note, a lot of the time NT feminist leaning people tend to sort of… ignore neuroaytypical women’s stories, or get outright angry at them for being outside the approved narrative. Other people have spoken about this much more eloquently than I ever can, but the main examples I’m thinking of was all the furore over that autistic STEM woman’s article on how she found the STEM world, or the whole “sisterhood” thing, which weird women like me are told and shown very early on that we’re not a part of. Which at least in my experience, has made me a lot less willing to call myself feminist even if I have similar goals and beliefs as particular brands of feminists.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you more than likely know what’s going on, but for those who don’t know: I’ve been in an extremely toxic, abusive relationship for the past 6 ½ years with my son’s father. We have a 3 year old together. While I did leave him last year, I (stupidly) came back in March under the promises of “things would change” etc etc. He has been emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually, and financially abusive. I am cooperating with the state in applying for all kinds of state assistance I am eligible for. I have an apartment and have our most basic needs covered. I need help with covering rent at the end of the month as I can’t do it by myself (my rent is $936), I have no consistent means of transportation (there is no bus/public transit in the city I live in) and I really realllyyy don’t want to have to allow my abuser into my home just to help cover these bills. I can manage on my own, but I need help getting on my feet and establishing my independence in the time being.
Any resources, encouraging words (I have virtually no support system), or other help is so much appreciated.
My PayPal is c.newago@yahoo.com, or PayPal.me/bizaanideewin
Please please don’t send anon hate or criticism, I cannot stress how hard I am struggling with my own guilt and self-blaming right now
Miigwech
I’m having a sale on my website, if donating isn’t your jam.
Bringing this back, with an update: I wasn’t able to survive on my own so I had to let him in. Lo and behold the abuse continues. Today he punched a hole in the bedroom door. My dad is going to cosign for a new apartment for me back in my hometown, as long as I cover the costs he is going to help me move. I’ve already got a rental application submitted. I’m done I’m leaving I’m OUT. I have tangible proof and I can break the lease without repercussions through the domestic violence clause in the lease.
I just need help with the intial moving costs and initial housing costs- the apartment I applied for is $645 a month, security deposit same amount. First months rent and security deposit due at lease signing. Moving costs are around $400 (it’s a 300 mile move so it gets expensive fast)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG
I’m almost 15% of the way there!! Please boost!
UPDATE: before my best friend came to get me to visit her, he and I got into a huge fight. He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs calling me a selfish bitch and a slut. He then proceeded to tell me Makoons won’t have any parents anymore if I call the cops.
Please boost!! I want to leave BEFORE this escalates!!!!
UPDATE: so it escalated last night. He’s in jail. He’s getting charged for domestic disorderly conduct or some shit like that. Once he’s released from jail he’s legally able to come back, if I take him off the lease I’ll be evicted unless I have a cosigner (which I do not have.) so my options are essentially continue dealing with this or move.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you more than likely know what’s going on, but for those who don’t know: I’ve been in an extremely toxic, abusive relationship for the past 6 ½ years with my son’s father. We have a 3 year old together. While I did leave him last year, I (stupidly) came back in March under the promises of “things would change” etc etc. He has been emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually, and financially abusive. I am cooperating with the state in applying for all kinds of state assistance I am eligible for. I have an apartment and have our most basic needs covered. I need help with covering rent at the end of the month as I can’t do it by myself (my rent is $936), I have no consistent means of transportation (there is no bus/public transit in the city I live in) and I really realllyyy don’t want to have to allow my abuser into my home just to help cover these bills. I can manage on my own, but I need help getting on my feet and establishing my independence in the time being.
Any resources, encouraging words (I have virtually no support system), or other help is so much appreciated.
My PayPal is c.newago@yahoo.com, or PayPal.me/bizaanideewin
Please please don’t send anon hate or criticism, I cannot stress how hard I am struggling with my own guilt and self-blaming right now
Miigwech
I’m having a sale on my website, if donating isn’t your jam.
Bringing this back, with an update: I wasn’t able to survive on my own so I had to let him in. Lo and behold the abuse continues. Today he punched a hole in the bedroom door. My dad is going to cosign for a new apartment for me back in my hometown, as long as I cover the costs he is going to help me move. I’ve already got a rental application submitted. I’m done I’m leaving I’m OUT. I have tangible proof and I can break the lease without repercussions through the domestic violence clause in the lease.
I just need help with the intial moving costs and initial housing costs- the apartment I applied for is $645 a month, security deposit same amount. First months rent and security deposit due at lease signing. Moving costs are around $400 (it’s a 300 mile move so it gets expensive fast)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG
I’m almost 15% of the way there!! Please boost!
UPDATE: before my best friend came to get me to visit her, he and I got into a huge fight. He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs calling me a selfish bitch and a slut. He then proceeded to tell me Makoons won’t have any parents anymore if I call the cops.
Please boost!! I want to leave BEFORE this escalates!!!!
UPDATE: so it escalated last night. He’s in jail. He’s getting charged for domestic disorderly conduct or some shit like that. Once he’s released from jail he’s legally able to come back, if I take him off the lease I’ll be evicted unless I have a cosigner (which I do not have.) so my options are essentially continue dealing with this or move.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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