desushrekmachina:

What’s funny about this is that lesbians have the highest rate of domestic abuse in their relationships.

So maybe she’s talking about the wlw incels on here

Nope, you’re wrong. Lesbian and bi women face the highest percentage of violence, but much more of that comes from bi women (61% reporting violence) than from lesbians (43%). Of that 43%, 67% of lesbians (not bi women, just lesbians) report the violence came from a woman, meaning only 28% comes from exclusively lesbian relationship, which would be the lowest percentage of any group excluding heterosexual men* (26%).

Heterosexual men tend to also under report domestic violence due to social stigma, so that percentage may be higher.

However, all of this is completely besides the point being made, which is addressing the toxic way men who call themselves “incels” think of women. These are men that respond to normal sexual rejection with violence and expect women to obey them which would only translate to violence in a relationship. All you’re doing is some bullshit whataboutism.

a form of gaslighting that i don’t see mentioned nearly as much as, say, refusing to acknowledge the past, or misremembering a conversation, is the way abusers project an identity or a characteristic on someone so strongly that they take on this projection as a fact about themselves.

like being told you’re incapable of love. or being told that you are hateful, or cruel, or dangerously mentally ill, or that you’re just like your father, or that you’ve never cared about anyone in your entire life.

parents are almost uniquely suited to this since they have so many opportunities to shape your perception of yourself from the moment you’re born; your parent’s definition of you becomes your definition of you. realizing that you have entire aspects of your identity that your parents have been trying to deliberately obfuscate and erase is huge, and so is the incredibly painful struggle to come out from under it.

abusers don’t want you to think of yourself as a warm or protective or capable person. they don’t want you to think of yourself as perfectly suited to love any number of people admirably and well. they need you here, and they need you to not even think about leaving, and teaching a kid to think like that is so much easier if you get them while they’re young.

coming out of that is hard work. you have to be able to go down through the events of your life, piece by piece, decision by decision, and dispassionately analyze them to the best of your ability. you have to be able to recognize your own efforts done in good faith with all the knowledge and understanding you had at the time. you have to be able to forgive yourself, and to give yourself the warmth and love of your own inner good parent. being able to be calm enough to do this takes an immense amount of work if you have anxiety or trauma, and handling the symptoms of those are difficult enough on their own.

it’s huge. it’s all really, really huge.

anaxolotladay:

gaslighting does not always involve them calling you “crazy”

sometimes gaslighting is you protesting over and over, and them saying “you don’t have to make such a big deal out of it”

sometimes it’s “i really tried my best with you, but clearly i couldn’t do it”

sometimes it’s “i would never do that to you”, “if you really asked me to stop, wouldn’t i have stopped?”,

“i don’t know what i’d do if i ever hurt you”

“denying and rewriting your reality” is not a one-time conversation, either. it is a sneak attack, flying under the radar and taking you out, one communication at a time, never drawing all the attention at once.

it is not your fault that you never saw it coming.

A documentary about “scary” kids scares me on behalf of the kids.

k-pagination:

Whether it is directly perpetuating abuse and violence, enabling it, or failing to recognize the abuse and trauma, it is a failure of adults in their lives. You know what else is a parental and societal failure? Filming kids at their most vulnerable as a way to showcase how “challenging” it is.

You know what’s really important?

Not, as the NAMI spokesperson in the NPR article implies, framing it as a choice between psychiatric beds and intractable violence at home. Because it does not surprise me and my friends that one of the kids’ behavior “didn’t improve” when he got home from inpatient. Because we have witnessed the violence and hostility of inpatient institutions.

Maybe a focus on trauma-informed care and removing sources of abuse and violence in the kid’s life. Maybe that’s also important. Maybe it’s important to fight for community-based services and training providers need instead of more psych beds.

It’s possible to advocate for struggling children with dignity.

kipplekipple:

trenching-timelord:

kipplekipple:

I can’t believe this needs to be said, but…

– Withholding medication from a disabled person is not a joke, it’s not a punishment, it’s abuse.

– Withholding mobility equipment from a disabled person is not a joke, it’s not a punishment, it’s abuse.

– Withholding stim toys, comfort items or similar from a disabled person is not a joke, it’s not a punishment, it’s abuse.

– Stopping a disabled person from using harmless routines or coping mechanism is not a joke, it’s not a punishment, it’s abuse.

Stop.

Same goes for communication devices.

Sorry, absolutely right. And for refusing to let someone communicate using sign language.

sapphorb:

i read the sentence “abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they groom their victims” (in a comment thread in response to a “but i know [the accused] and hes such a nice man!!”) and it’s blowing my mind a weird amount even though i guess i already knew that

facts-about-bisexuality:

Fact: The rate of relationship violence against bisexual people, particularly bisexual women, is much higher than for people of other orientations. Your sexuality does not make you less trustworthy or less desirable as a partner, and it should never be used against you or seen as a “problem” in your relationship.

Source [x]

bittersnurr:

@master-bison

I always say the reason shit like that happens is because the parents are typically the actual client in therapy. They put the kid there but the issue is really the parents are having problems and want their kid to be “fixed”. I had that problem with therapy even when I wasn’t a minor.

@fullyarticulatedgoldskeleton

Even when I got therapy under my own initiative as an adult my therapist sided with my mom. I think some of that is deferring to parental authority, and treating disabled adults who live with their parents as still being under parental authority, but I think a small part of that is also that therapists are trained to deal with abuse as something in the past with lingering effects today, and not trained to notice present, ongoing abuse.

It happens in other relationship dynamics, too. A woman whose husband was abusing her went in for marriage counseling. The counselors only recognized that their job was to make marriages work, not to recognize when they were abusive. So they sat there and didn’t bat an eye while her husband related how much he fantasized about murdering her in her sleep. Nobody took her aside to ask her if she was okay, or anything.

BASICALLY. Like people seem to grasp this on some level with insurance blocking certain treatments for example, but yeah the person who is paying or sending you there is going to be the actual client with the most pull. Kids are not the clients, the parents are. Even when you are an adult, when disabled (which you are if you are being forced into threarment most likely) your parents will always be viewed as the more credible actual client. I was technically with the last parent hired therapist until I think maybe 19 even? But it still functioned like my mom was in charge even with her no longer getting the reports. She hired him not me.

And when I was 19 my home situation was actually my biggest issue. I actually had a job and stuff but could still not have a social life. I would complain about shit like mom blocking my car in the driveway so I couldn’t leave the house and she got brought in “well you never ask!”

Because you say no. Why would I ask if every fucking time you say no you are too tired you already got in your pajamas at 5pm so you don’t feel like it. The goal posts move. It’s my fault I always miss the kick.

It’s so infuriating people act like therapists don’t often side with abusers when a lot of the people going in to see them would be being sent there by said abusers like it is literally profitable to agree with the abuser. People who have never experienced this do not seem to understand how different the system is when you have been thrown in against your will because someone in your life wants you “fixed” for their personal convenience vs being about to take your time choosing a not awful one and being able to fire them if they do a shitty job, and how if you have experienced that therapy will never ever be a “safe space” for you because that has been betrayed too many times to trust someone with it again.

Too relevant to one recent reblog.

It’s really amazing, when you think about it, how rarely anybody seems to consider that there may be any conflicts of interest there.

(Not really in one way, given the particularly nasty intersection of ableism and the ownership model of parenting. Still pretty amazing how many people think this is how things should work, though.)

The same awful combo that’s brought us the Autism Warrior/Martyr Parent phenomenon, BTW. Similar outlooks and behavior were actively encouraged by too many professionals before that specific version became a thing, and too many were fine with helping perpetuate already abusive family dynamics. Variations on a theme, unfortunately.

d-d-dangerous:

saundering:

d-d-dangerous:

IDK how you see a post about “a missing child” and it’s made for a 17 year old LGBT person reportedly covered in self harm scars who left with their valuables and pet to live with their boyfriend and think ‘kidnapping’ and reblog it.

Like, please, please take 10 seconds to think about the context and look at the facts before spreading something and trying to track down someone who doesn’t want to be found.

I see so many “missing child” posts made by family of 16-17 year old LGBT people who clearly needed to leave. I hate to think of them being dragged back to an abusive home.

I know people just want to help and do the right thing, and the “spread like wildfire” and “reblog to save a life” comments may make you feel guilty for ignoring it, but just be careful.

There is a difference between a 4 year old disappearing and a very nearly adult saving up money to escape and leaving in the night with their valuables and pet/s. Be wary of ‘missing’ teens in general but particularly those who are LGBT.

I had this happen at 23. I had a missing person’s report filed against me. I hadn’t harmed myself – I simply decided to leave. Be wary of giving away information.

That’s true that missing persons reports can be filed on adults who attempt to leave home. This also can happen to adults who move out of their parent’s home state as well as adults who cut ties with their parents. This happens to people who move without telling anyone, move farther away then the parents would like, stop answering the phone, block their numbers, change the locks, etc even if the people ‘searching’ know that they are alive and well because they are still speaking to other family members or posting on social media. They just don’t care. Bottom line is not everyone claimed to be missing is actually missing.

While my post was just a mini rant about LGBT minors escaping abusive parents in particular, it gained traction so I’m going to add to it. Here are some things I want you to think about when you see ‘missing person’ posts:

Someone could be trying to escape. As I’ve already mentioned this is common with parental abuse and LGBT people but domestic abuse victims on the run is a situation you need to consider, as well as people escaping from a cult, or an arranged marriage or trafficking. You just don’t know what’s going on.

Just because a post is made doesn’t mean an official report was filed. Anyone can make a post on social media, and it doesn’t require contacting the authorities first. It doesn’t mean the person is really missing, or that the person who made it has good intentions.

You don’t know who is making the post. The person behind the computer could be an abusive domestic partner looking for the victim who had enough courage and help to escape, or abusive parents who want their child back and will punish them harshly for running away. It could even be an ex trying to track down someone who has put in a lot of effort to distance themselves and move on. Or perhaps even an internet stalker who wants a victim’s specific location and just has their name and photo and so they made the post as a scheme to get information on them.

Here are things you should look for in ‘missing person’ posts:

How old are they? Are we talking about a 4 year old child who disappeared from the mall or a 17 year old who left home? Young children are more likely to be actually missing and people old enough to care for themselves are more likely to be escaping something or someone. However, you need to consider that teens and adults can get kidnapped esp for trafficking and that small children can be tracked down maliciously just like teens and adults can. In an abuse situation, where one party escapes and take the child, the abuser could make a post to try and look for the child and their ex. This may also be the case for a parent who didn’t get custody or had all parental rights taken away. It’s just something to consider and you can’t determine a situation from age, or any of these factors, alone.

Did they take anything with them? Someone who disappeared while walking the dog and left behind their phone, keys, wallet, etc has almost certainly been kidnapped and someone who left with bags full of clothes, their wallet, keys, and phone, valuables such as computer, or even their pet/s or child/ren is someone who almost certainly left of their own accord. Pay attention to what they list off as also missing, what they were last seen carrying, or what the poster explicitly says they packed up and took with them. Generally, people who are kidnapped don’t pack first.

Where were they going or last seen? Sometimes where they were last seen, like a bus stop or train station might be a clue that they were leaving and not kidnapped, and sometimes the post may explicitly say they were going somewhere, like to ‘visit’ their close friend or partner, who they may be moving in with or staying with until they find a place. Not a guarantee, but sometimes people are where they say they are and the poster just wants them to come back.

Any situational details? The post that prompted my mini rant mentioned that the “missing person” had self-harm scars on their arms and thighs and that they were LGBT. Someone who self-harms may be doing it to cope with abuse, especially a minor, though of course, it could be unrelated. And as for being LGBT that’s a big risk factor for parental abuse and they are more likely to run away. That paired with the person having left with their things including phone, computer and cat, and was mentioned to be going to their boyfriend is enough to see they have not been kidnapped. Pay attention to details.

Does the poster ask you to contact them, or the police? I see a lot of posts with phrasing like “the police have tried everything and looked everywhere, so if you see them please call or text me ASAP” and even actively discourage you from contacting the authorities. That’s a big red flag. This person could be as mentioned before, an abuser trying to get their victim back, an ex, a stalker, or even in the situation where someone has actually been kidnapped, the kidnapper themselves. They may do this to keep tabs on the search effort and if someone calls and says they’ve seen the person, they’ll know it’s time to move on. Don’t ever call or text a personal number to give information on a missing person, even if they are actually missing.

If you do believe that someone has been kidnapped, is actually missing or in danger and you have information, call the police! That is what they are there for. Cops suck, but you have absolutely no idea whose cell phone number is in that post. Don’t use it. You could be putting someone in very real danger.

It’s not like I’m an expert or anything, but I hope this helps. Please take the time to read a missing person post and use context clues and common sense to determine if action needs to be taken. Don’t in your effort to help spread a post for a person who doesn’t want to be found or in an actual dangerous situation give information to the wrong people. Be smart and help people stay safe. Don’t blindly reblog, that’s all.

I would also add that, especially if the person is underage? The fact that the cops are involved in the case does not mean that they didn’t voluntarily leave for good reason.

It can be suspicious if the people looking for them seem to be avoiding official involvement, but minors pretty much belong to their parents. No matter what’s going on–and it’s really not safe to assume that the authorities are not going to just return kids to a bad situation.

When I was younger, I knew too many kids who got picked up by the cops and locked up on psych units. Court ordered and/or on their families’ say-so. Nobody seemed interested in finding out why the kids kept needing to run away, or doing anything about the situation when told. Instead, they tended to get treated as spoiled brats who were tearing apart their (abusive) families, and further lose credibility afterwards thanks to Scary Diagnostic Labels.

Another thing to keep in mind with the frequency of “Missing Child is mentally ill/otherwise disabled, and must immediately be dragged back For Their Own Good”, BTW. Especially given the appalling abuse rates faced by disabled kids, to begin with. (Also disabled adults. And thanks to ableism, that is too likely to override all critical thinking if some Concerned Soul is looking for them even when the person is a grown-ass adult.)

Thankfully no direct personal experience, but I saw that happen to multiple teens in what sounded like totally plausibly, legitimately awful home situations. Some of them also queer, yeah.

Basically, it can be a huge mistake to assume that the authorities must be looking out for the wellbeing of people reported missing. Particularly when it’s a minor, with the power imbalances and lack of basic rights there.

I really wish this were not the case. But, I have to remain highly suspicious of missing teen searches, in particular, when I have no way of knowing what’s going on there. Too many people with reasons to leave, not nearly enough guarantee that anyone in a position to do much about it is looking out for their safety. Whether or not the authorities are involved.

notesforselflove:

You did nothing wrong.

The abuse was not your fault.

You are not to blame for how you were treated.

You did not deserve it.

You did nothing wrong.

The abuse was not your fault.

You are not to blame for how you were treated.

You did not deserve it.