Dear parents who post their autistic / disabled child’s embarrassing moments online…
I found all your most embarrassing diary pages from your teen angst days.
I found all the embarrassing notes you wrote and never gave to your childhood crush.
I found that humiliatingly awful fanfic you wrote in a notebook when you were 11.
I found very unflattering photos of you playing naked beer pong in college.
I found a really gross video of you plucking your armpit hairs and checking your ass out in the mirror.
I also found someone’s cell phone recording of you wearing pissed-in pants while screaming and crying in your dorm room because you were too stoned to figure out how the toilet works.
I’m going to publish it all for the world to see without your consent.
Wait, what? You’re angry now? I’m treating you how you’re treating your autistic / disabled child when you share their meltdowns and toileting stuff on the internet.
That’s how they will feel if they find all the stuff you posted about them.
Don’t use the excuse that they won’t understand or will never use a computer. You’re just layering on more ableism by assuming your child isn’t competent.
Stop embarrassing them online. They’re not pets, they’re tiny humans who will grow up into big humans and they don’t need their childhood days embarrassing them for the rest of their lives.
No, I don’t actually have anyone’s private stuff or n00dz to publish.
Tag: boundaries
Oh my. Just reminded of an actually kind of funny thing that happened 5 or 6 years ago.
I got a call one day from a hair shop I hadn’t been to for a long time, because I had been letting my hair grow out for at least a year by that point. But, they called to inform me that I had missed an appointment that afternoon, and would I like to reschedule?
Somebody must have just made a mistake and grabbed an old appointment book. That’s the best I could figure.
But, my first thought there? Jfc, my mother has done it AGAIN. I had mentioned at some point that one stylist there had done a really good job with my hair, so this time she actually made a goddamned international call because she decided I needed something done with my hair. And didn’t even tell me about the appointment she made. It figures.
Wait a minute, she’s dead. Probably not, though I wouldn’t put it past her to figure out how to…
But yeah, that really was my immediate thought there.
While of course I could do anything I wanted to with my hair, that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to hear about it incessantly if she didn’t like the cut. Not so much the color, for some odd reason, but the cut.
And she did indeed take it upon herself to schedule appointments for me without asking, besides bugging me to do it. Because my hair looked AWFUL.
The last time was when I was back home for months, and well into my 30s. I just didn’t go that time, and left her to explain it to them. You can maybe imagine how well that went over. I knew how it would go, and did it anyway.
But yeah, terrible boundaries.
At least I got a dark laugh out of that particular incident, though.
Reminded of this again, with one post that came across my dash.
There are about as many ways to act controlling and overly concerned about how other people’s appearances might reflect on you, as there are people. And the more covert ones aren’t necessarily much fun to deal with either.
Not too surprisingly, mine took pretty much the same approach to clothes. While I could wear anything I wanted, by golly would I keep getting nagged about it if she didn’t like the style or didn’t think it was “flattering” enough 😩
That pattern stood out even more after I moved out from under other daily influence there–and that crap went into overdrive whenever she saw me. It wasn’t nearly that intense when I was in my teens. Which made too much sense, in a rather sad way.
That same trip where (in my 30s) I just didn’t go to the hair appointment she made without consulting me, I finally said fuck it and gave myself a haircut. Partly because I was just that exasperated, and partly because I didn’t want to (a) face that hairdresser after the awkwardness or (b) try to find another one who wouldn’t butcher it. (Especially with curly hair. Might end up like Larry, Moe, AND Curly on different parts of my head from the same cut. Wouldn’t be the first time.)
Getting pushed into acting like a rebellious kid when you’re getting treated like one (more than when you were an actual kid) may have had something to do with it, too 🙄 I obviously cared a lot less what it looked like than she did, by that point. It’s my head.
Anyway, I didn’t expect that to shut her up. At all. But, I also didn’t expect the mental health concern trolling rant she went off on 😵 “Are you on drugs?! Well, it looks like you badly need to be on more!”–with variations for at least half an hour straight. She knew very well that she did not have the same power to sic mental health professionals on me anymore, and have them automatically side with her. Especially over something that plain ridiculous. (And, thankfully, so did I by then.)
But, she felt a need to threaten it at length. Over a haircut she didn’t like, when I was over 30. (!) And somehow expected me not to just go home and leave her to it. (That took a while longer, because they did still need help looking after my grandmother. But, that behavior did help the decision. Wasn’t really accomplishing much beyond getting driven crazy.)
Anyway, I guess I am still harboring some anger over that garbage. Besides its just seeming surreal.
But, I’m really glad to be living with somebody who doesn’t really care if I have any hair, much less what the details might be. There are also reasons I tend to err on the side of just not saying anything about people’s appearances, particularly unsolicited–and no matter who they are. That’s up to them. It’s really not my concern.
kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls:
MOM OF THE YEAR. WHERE WAS THIS ATTITUDE WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL.
There’s a difference between not sharing and refusing to be bullied.
I lost count of the number of times I was forced to share my toys as a kid, only to have them disappear into the neighbours’ houses and never be seen again.
Not only the kids’ stuff, either. We loaned a neighbor a drill once and two weeks later, they moved.
Two sides. Yes, children should learn to share. Don’t hog all the pencils for example, if they’re classroom supplies and not personal supplies.
Yes, children are allowed to say no, especially when it’s their own stuff.
And yes, children are still allowed to say no when it’s their turn to use something, e.g. a toy in the classroom like blocks or a doll or a book. It’s a lesson in patience for the child that was told no. And a lesson of emotionally learning to deal with being told no.
I don’t believe in the whole “don’t tell children no” bull crap some of the newer teaching strategies insist upon. They won’t learn anything if they’re not told no now and then.
Two words are used in the first story. “Demanded”. “Required”. Once those two words are evident in a situation the situation is no longer about “Sharing”.
It’s about “Extortion”. How can I make you give me what is not mine to have?
The kids ran to tattle to his mother. Nasty little fuckers decided to add “Manipulation” to the mix.
You know what’s next? Name calling. The kid will get a reputation as being “Selfish”. Always watch out for that word.
Calling another person “Selfish” means “They will not give me their stuff when I demanded and required it be handed over so now I am going to slander their name.”
Can you tell I have no tolerance for this shit at all?
Good.
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for the boys, no not wanting it doesn’t make you gay, less of a man, or anything to that effect, you’re allowed to say no too, and when she says “am I just not hot enoughy for you” that is an attempt to guilt you into sex.
Reblogging for IMPORTANT addition.
You are allowed to only sleep with people you like & WHEN you want to. Don’t let anyone else tell you different, ever.
And girls (/those raised as girls), you’re taught that if a man is not in the mood for sex or is not able to orgasm, it’s because you’re not good enough. That’s not at all true! Don’t end up doing what wynterroseskye said above because of insecurity.
one of the ways i know this culture has a massive issue with consent
is the sheer amount of people I’ve known that just lie & tell people they’re deathly allergic to foods they dislike
because otherwise people will hound them, mock them, coax them, harass them, try to force them to eat it, or even trick them into eating it, and they will never hear the end of it
your coworkers will bake it into a fucking pie, call it something else, and wait til your birthday, gather everyone and their first cousins to sit around in a circle waiting for you to put a forkful into your mouth and then point rhythmically at you in a chanting, glaring, sweating, unholy circle like SWISS CHARD SWISS CHARD YOU JUST ATE SWISS CHARD HA HA HA SWISS CHARD NOW YOU LIKE SWISS CHARD
Because forcing someone into a situation where they don’t feel safe declining putting something into their body they’d rather not be there is totes 100% wholesome American fun
And this is something so known that it’s infinitely easier to just lie and tell people that you’ll die if you eat that food…which actually doesn’t always stop it from happening
On a similar but unrelated note, I’ve actually had this happen before with doctors and medication. I’m allergic to Sulpha, which is an antibiotic along the lines of penicillin. Now I’m not super duper terrible allergic, but my throat with swell up, get itchy, and my neck will get super stiff. So I’m college I had a mild bacteria infection in my hoo-ha, so I visit the local med-ex clinic. Finally get in to see the doctor. “It says here you’re allergic to Sulpha?” “Yes” he continues to question me about it, like he didn’t really believe me, “what happens” blah blah blah. Barely questions me about the infection, which I’m THERE FOR, and sends me on my way with a prescription that, unbeknownst to me, contained Sulpha. He didn’t even tell me. Neither did my pharmacist. I wasn’t feeling terrible and my hubby and I had a road trip planned that day to the middle of nowhere to the woods to take pictures. I take my medicine. About 10 minutes later I start coughing, feeling itchy, throat tight. Now I was thinking back to how the doctor had questioned my allergy, and I was growing suspicious. Google the ingredients for the medicine. Sure enough, it’s Sulpha based. We have a half hour to go before we get anywhere near a gas station or civilization so that I could get some Benadryl to at least bring the swelling down. Now, keep in mind that the reason I know I’m allergic to this stuff was when I was getting my hep c shot when I was a kid. I was out for days and I remember what an absolute horrible feeling it was. But I had no idea if they’re given me prescription medication then to combat the allergies, and here me is now, sitting in the car with nothing, my throat quickly swelling up, not sure if I’m about to fucking die because some asshole doctor didn’t believe me about my fucking allergy and wanted to give me fucking Sulpha based fucking medication because fuck you.
Anyway, we got to a gas station just in time for me to start coughing up blood in the bathroom while my hubby buys benedryl, which thank God they had and at the time I wasnt even sure if it would work. Which it did. Thankfully.
Anyway. I’ve had a hard time trusting doctors ever since then.
That doctor gave me no warning, no “this has what you’re allergic to so be careful and monitor your reactions,” I did not give my consent to have my allergies put to the test, nothing. I could have fucking died because some doctor was too lazy to find an alternative for me and didn’t believe me.
Anyway, this shit happens even when it’s not food allergies, and this whole “are you sure” “but have you tried it” culture needs to fucking stop. No means no. An allergy is an allergy. You don’t have the right to “test” it, or to sneak someone food they explicitly didn’t ask for or even said they’re allergic to, it’s not your job to sniff out whether or not someone’s lying, it’s not your job to introduce them to things they don’t like. Just accept some people don’t like certain things, some people are allergic to certain things, some people may have different dietary requirements than you.
It’s really just an extension of the whole “sniffing out fakes” culture that says, oh, you’re not in a wheelchair, you don’t deserve that handicap spot, etc. Etc. Just believe people and realize that no means no
sex is not supposed to be about what you can tolerate!!!!! sex is supposed to be about what you genuinely want and enjoy!!!!! and if you’re traumatized and/or not straight, believe me, I know it’s not that simple to figure out what it is that you actually want and enjoy.
you’re not a bad person if you do something that you don’t particularly enjoy because, for example, it makes your partner happy, but always remember: you have no obligation to engage in sexual activities that you don’t fully like and enjoy.
and you don’t ever, ever need to justify that – if your partner has an issue with “It makes me kind of uncomfortable” or “I don’t really like it”, then that person does not deserve a moment of your time, in or outside of the bedroom. you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone; you don’t have to meet anyone’s standards of acceptable vs. unacceptable activity (or lack thereof); you don’t have to force yourself to be comfortable with something because of any perceived political connotations of performing or refusing that act.
saying yes because you feel guilty about saying no is not consent. saying yes because you’re scared of what will happen if you say no is not consent. saying yes because you figure you might as well just endure it is not consent. sex ed on here and elsewhere doesn’t give a single shit about traumatized people and I wish someone had told me all of this a lot sooner.
Life skill
Learn to kindly but firmly say “that’s personal”.
You owe no one information about your body, your opinions, your family, your health, not even your favorite food if u dont wanna share.
A kinda creepy guy at work asks what u did on the weekend? A well-meaning relative asks abt your health problems? A friend of a friend asks about your partner? Maybe smile for a second and then say “you know, that’s actually kinda personal” and change the subject or give a very general answer if u want.
You are entitled to privacy and to choosing who to share what with.
This is a really underrated approach to shutting down invasive questions about your illness or disability. Not only is it part of a social script (=socially acceptable), but being part of a script means they are less likely to push back or be offended by the boundary you’re setting.
Want to level it up a bit or make a point? Instead of making it sound like it’s a personal topic for you, try deploying a little condescension and careful wording to imply that that person is asking a universally inappropriate question. “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” + the side eye can make a lot of people think twice.
Your mileage may vary on this (some people are just rude forever), but it’s certainly one for the toolbox.
It is ok to set boundaries concerning negative weight talk or expressions of fat phobia in your presence. You are allowed to ask the people in your life to help you live in a fat positive space free of diet talk, weight loss talk, and body negativity. You are allowed to ask the people in your life to support your well-being.
If other people react with anger or try to play the victim when you set boundaries, they are acting poorly, not you. Setting and respecting boundaries are essential to building healthy relationships.
Advice for setting boundaries from Captain Awkward:
How can my girlfriend and I prevent body issues from derailing our awesome love story?
Boundaries, Part Whatever
You have the right to say no.
If you’re on the receiving end of that “No”? You don’t have to be happy about it. You can feel hurt or angry or whatever. But you still have to accept it.
You have the right to say no, even if you said yes in the past. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to decide that today you want to set this boundary, regardless of whether you set it yesterday or not.
You have the right to set rules and boundaries in your own space. You decide who can and can’t be in your home. You decide who can call you, text you, talk to you online, and so on. You have the right to tell someone to leave you the hell alone, and to block their ass if they can’t respect that.
If someone tells you to stop talking to them? Stop talking to them! Don’t argue. Don’t whine about how it’s unfair. Don’t keep coming back to explain yourself, or to try to get the last word. Grow the hell up and get on with your life.
To put it as simply and clearly as I can, you don’t have a right to another person.
Continued at http://www.jimchines.com/2018/05/boundaries-part-whatever/
Being the caregiver of an autistic / disabled person does not give you free reign to mention they still wear diapers.
You aren’t educating anyone when you do that. You’re pity-seeking and you’re embarrassing the disabled / autistic person unless they gave you permission to mention their diapers. If the person’s development progresses in a way to let them be mainstreamed in school (even if part-time), their peers will be relentless. Yes, the stuff you blog is seen by everyone unless your blog is strictly private.
But most caregivers never friggin’ consider that. (Sarcasm) It’s all about them and how they are affected by living with an autistic / disabled person, right? (/sarcasm)
Stephen Hawking managed to go through the last years of his life without the internet knowing what’s under his trousers. I think you caregivers can afford the same dignity to the autistic / disabled person in your life.
If they want to mention their own diapers, fine. That’s their choice. Stop taking it away from them.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
You must be logged in to post a comment.