Tag: no rebogs please

Needing to remind myself again that I’m probably not managing too badly, all things considered.

Especially when “all things” starts from a baseline of gimping around on a badly healing celiac-related pelvic fracture for too many years now. And yes, that really really hurts for just about anybody. Phrases like “severe decrease in functional ability and quality of life” keep coming up, too. How about that? 😩

And that’s before factoring in anything else that might be going on, just that type of injury. There’s also no way I’m just imagining it’s an ongoing problem, as well trained as the jerkbrain may be to keep circling back around to that idea. You can clearly feel the fracture line, and it would take some truly special mental powers to somehow make it keep swelling up.

As you might be able to gather there, I was feeling like my coping ability was running on fumes in 2013. But, here I am, plugging along with that “severe decrease in functional ability and quality of life”. With other stuff continuing to pile up. With that just one thing it’s easy to point to as a legitimate problem anyone would struggle with. What else are you going to do? You get on with things the best you can.

But, of course it wouldn’t be easy for anyone. And I would (rightly) feel like a mean-spirited jackass if I heaped even a fraction of the criticism on anyone else.

Looking at it rationally, it’s kind of surprising it did take as much piling up as it did to send me into meltdowns. Talk about overwhelming stimuli you can’t get away from, when it’s your own body doing terrible shit. No amount of fucked-up stoicism is going to change that, and it’s also just plain mean to lay that on any person.

But yeah, it can also be hard to tell when you are doing your best when that hasn’t tended to get much credit. And when you’ve been pushed most of your life to toughen up in ways that you just can’t, because disability. Major complications for too many people.

Only, this does happen a lot when it’s “regular” physical pain people are dealing with. Especially if others don’t readily understand why the person would be experiencing pain under those circumstances.

(And yes, learning that you’re not supposed to avoid things that are causing more straightforward pain–or say much about it–can fuck you up in a lot of the same ways.)

I mean, the general point stands otherwise, at least phrased as “overload can be experienced as pain”. And nobody should be expected to disregard and push through any of it–to the point of internalizing this crap.

But, that is totally a thing that happens with just plain physical pain.

Also not too thrilled again about needing to add disclaimers like that–alongside prominently tagging some things basically “ffs please do do not reblog and bring random shouting horrors down on me when I don’t have the spoons to handle it”.

One of the reasons I don’t personally like the heavy reliance in some circles on references to ancient Greece, tbqh. Not only does it come across as pretentious too often, that’s just not a society I feel at all connected to. Or feel any big urge to draw inspiration/legitimacy from on basically any social matters.

(As usual, not suggesting that anybody else needs to reach the same conclusions there, much less use whatever words I prefer. If that works for someone else, great. There’s also no need for anyone to act snotty about that approach not working for others.)

I’m kind of aggravated that this is on the one day of the year with zero public transportation running here, at a location I just can’t get to without some kind of vehicle now.

Getting a minicab might be tricky too, but that may be possible. (Booking in advance might be a good idea, though.) Seems kind of excessive, but this is the first EX Raid Pass I have gotten. And I’m stubborn 🙄

Not quite stubborn enough to walk about 2 miles each way with the shape I’ve been in, however. Extra frustrating that this is even a problem now. Playing with worsening mobility problems hasn’t been great anyway, but I’m really feeling it tonight.

The “stay awake your life depends on it” switch from earlier reminded me of one medication I was on years ago that I would just as soon forget.

(Though I don’t clearly recall which exact one it was now. It’s been long enough, and there were enough different ones for a while which just did not work out in quite a variety of extremely unpleasant ways. I definitely remember the experience, though.)

Anyway, that stuff dragged me out almost as bad as the earlier one that had me sleeping 20 hours a day toward the end. Only my body had gotten more experience at keeping itself awake.

What’s one very effective way of accomplishing that? Seemingly random adrenaline surges! What has my system always been extra super good at anyway? Right. 😱

That was a fun couple of months until I finally figured out what might be causing all the sudden debilitating supercharged “anxiety” attacks with no obvious triggers. Didn’t even know that the dysautonomia crap was a real and highly relevant thing then, but it did finally dawn on me that it might have something to do with trying to stay awake and anything that could barely pass for functional. (In my defense, I was thinking worse the longer all of that went on. And no wonder.) And it did stop once that stuff was out of my system.

Thankfully, I haven’t been on anything since then which caused anywhere near the level of constant grogginess. Back then I was also already dealing with unrecognized celiac and probably-EDS related fatigue, though the number of things contributing and the baseline level have gone way way up since then with my health crashing.

But yeah, over the years my system has needed to learn some not always pleasant tricks for pushing through some serious fatigue and exhaustion. And it can be hard to figure out when you really do need sleep when that’s a constant background thing, much less try to get the not usually even conscious coping stuff cranked down enough to let sleep happen once you do realize it’s really needed.

I can’t help but feel kind of grouchy again at how only one of the size range limitations tends to get addressed when “bigger bras” come up. When all but one of the companies’ size ranges specified stop at a 38 or maybe 40 band, that’s really not helpful for a good chunk of people who need the larger cup sizes too.

But, I’ve gotten grouchier after running into more trouble where I am now than in the US with band size as a limiting factor. It’s not nearly as hard to find the lower end of DD+ cup sizes in brick and mortar stores, while over a 38 is much trickier. (I hate ordering without first trying on that specific style first, as hard as it can be to find a good fit with tolerable fabrics in person 😬)

I was perversely glad to lose enough weight from illness so my ribs started sticking out some. Which was just enough to be able to wear some 40s again, for a lot more options. Including from too many manufacturers/sites with lines catering to larger cup sizes, I might add.

I remember some discussion years ago at (I think) Shapely Prose, with someone having inquired about Bravissimo maybe stocking some larger band sizes. The response? A slightly more polite version of “sorry, we don’t want our brand image associated with gross fat people”. (Wish I could find that comment thread now.)

Now I might fit into some of the bras they’re selling, unlike when people started recommending them to me. That sort of response didn’t exactly make me want to associate myself with their business, however.

But yeah, given the demand for sizes over a 38, or possibly 40 if you’re lucky–and how often potential customers do need larger sizing on both measures in the same garment? That seems like a very possible line of reasoning, too often.

Yet another of those cases where besides it being frustrating to try to find suitable clothing, that just doesn’t seem like great business sense if you want to sell clothes. Hardly an unusual situation, which makes it that much more frustrating.

I did coincidentally end up marrying someone who makes enough money that, while “loaded” is definitely not the word, we’re also not really struggling with me unable to bring in more income for years now.

(“Coincidentally”, as in I wasn’t exactly looking to marry someone for that great middle-class income potential 😯 Neither one of us had actually planned on getting married at all, but guess what.)

I know I’ve rambled about that before, but total financial dependence still isn’t the kind of precarious position anyone should have to end up in. So many ways that can go badly.

Anyway, even though my partner has never acted like a dick about it at all, and I made very sure he was aware going in that I might or might not ever be able to do paid work again? (To the point that my mother got on my case for “trying so hard to run him off”. Yeahno, the reactions there are really something I need to know ASAP if things are getting serious, for my own protection.)

That’s still one of the major things my brainweasels keep seizing onto. Some people worry that their partner might want to leave them for someone better looking. Which frankly wouldn’t be that hard either, but that’s never really been my big relationship insecurity thing.

No, I can’t help but worry that he’ll get totally fed up dealing with my bullshit, with disability stuff/general craziness in a leading role of course. And prefer to spend time with someone who can do things like get paid for an actual career, and go out and do fun things with him. Someone just generally easier to live with.

(Kinda amplified with the prospect of moving to Sweden, tbh. In that case, plenty of people he has way more in common with, on top of all the rest.)

I am very aware that this stuff, not too surprisingly, does tie right in with some earlier emotional abuse. Including caregiver abuse, yeah. (Important if very triggering post, and it’s not just paid staff.) Intensifying the worse my health situation was. And that it’s most likely seriously overblown. But, those brainweasels sure are persistent.

For an extra level of unpleasantness to the situation. And I would be surprised if that were an uncommon thing, given some of the nasty social messages out there. Even if not everybody has the same awesome combo of PTSD and OCD feeding the weasels.

Honestly, I have been running into a lot of trouble with feeling like my life is essentially over for a while now.

Not all depression, but yeah some of it is. I know it’s totally situational, and I have no idea what to do about any of it. Other than just keep getting on with things the best I can. That can get hard, though, especially knowing that stubborn will only get a person so far. And it gets exhausting.

I really hesitate to say anything about this stuff. Especially after I had to block someone I thought better of over persistently making some condescending unwelcome assumptions and suggestions “for my own good” based on what they they decided my Real Problems must be. Regardless of what I thought about any of it. I got enough of that from actual professionals when I was younger, and it almost killed me when I was already dealing with enough shit from some very different (ignored) causes without the added gaslighting. I’m still working through some of the aftermath this many years later. So yeah, don’t do that. No matter how good the person thinks their intentions are, that behavior sucks and can do a lot of harm.

I am not looking for advice at all, to be very clear. Just venting, and trying to work through some thoughts by articulating them more. (However vaguely here.) It can make a bad situation so much harder when you don’t have anywhere to safely talk about certain things at all.

More weirdness from HSBC today.

I had to request a replacement credit card, because mine expired in November and I never found the new one in the mail. (Which has happened multiple times before, across accounts.) With the timing, I almost had to wonder if that triggered the other BS, but that wouldn’t make much sense that I can tell. Banks in general often don’t, however.

Anyway, at least the replacement did show up this time, and pretty quickly.

The weird part: the new card is only valid for a year 🤔

I’ve had that card account with them since 2004. (Well, they switched it from Mastercard to Visa like 2 cards ago.) And IIRC, they’ve always been good for at least 3 years. The last one was, looking. Definitely never just one year before.

I mean, that’s nothing to really worry about right now, since I do have what should be a working card after it’s activated. But, it still doesn’t seem right. Like they’re just not planning to have me as a UK customer for much longer.

It’s honestly hard to tell these days if/when I might be overthinking stuff and feeling paranoid for no good reason. But, that’s kinda what a “hostile environment” tends to do. Which makes it even more frustrating in a way, because jfc it sure is working. And I’m not even one of the main targets.