if you see someone active on social media or something, and you message them, and they don’t reply, they don’t have to. just because they are awake and alive does not mean they have to engage with you whenever you want them to. you are not entitled to someone else’s time.

in the past, an abuser would see me post online and then hound me on aim until i answered. i felt like i had to hide. they also lived in my building and would pound on my door if they saw me online and i wasn’t responding to them. i had to completely ditch a screenname, lie about having skype, and turn off my phone to hide. if i saw they were online i couldn’t post on facebook or interact with anyone without them demanding to interact with me. the only legitimate excuse not to talk to them was being asleep. in their eyes, if i were really their friend, i would always want to engage no matter what, even if i had a migraine or work to do or wasn’t feeling very social. it didn’t matter.

please do not do this. if someone doesn’t write you back, don’t guilt them about where they are or what they’re doing. if you see someone posting on tumblr or facebook and they aren’t signed into aim or google or skype or whatever, that’s their business. if they are signed on but don’t write you back, it’s okay. sometimes people can’t talk to everyone all the time every time. some people can only talk to one person at a time without getting overloaded. some people are signed on in case someone needs to contact them with something important and not to be social. they’re not always hiding from you, and you shouldn’t make them feel like they HAVE to hide from you.

this is probably jumbled and i’m probably missing a lot here, but pressuring people to always be available to you every hour of the day and always answer the phone or text or chat or pm or whatever…if you require that of someone, you might need to take a step back.

Reminder: There are also actual reasons that some of us may have serious trouble responding to messages at all. And it’s unlikely to be about you unless you are acting like that.

I really don’t want to come across as some kind of antisocial asshole, but notifications popping up still freak me out every time. It goes way beyond “I don’t like IMs”. Seeing that it’s from someone I would want to talk to if I weren’t having a PTSD reaction doesn’t actually make it easier to respond, unfortunately.

No worries for anyone who hasn’t been aware of the problem. I’m still not entirely comfortable talking about it. And I feel bad about just leaving people hanging.

(To add to the OP’s excellent points.)

hobbitsaarebas:

fabulousworkinprogress:

micchi-monster:

bpdzoldyck:

A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd.

Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough.

Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.

…..oh.

And to support that, the number one determining factor on how badly something affects a person is how they’re treated afterward, not how objectively bad the event was. They’re called resiliency factors.

It looks like this:

Horrible brutal traumatic event + Family and community support + legal amelioration + closure and therapy and help

ONE MILLION TIMES MORE LIKELY TO RECOVER THAN

Event that the sufferer may think “seems minor” compared to what others have been through + Family neglect and abuse (you deserved it, name calling, support the abuser) + no legal means + denial and stifling and no therapeutic support

I have been raped, I have been abused by someone who was supposed to be family to me, and I have recovered and gotten my life back together. I have psychiatrists, psychologists, best friends, lovers, and family who support me. I did not get legal justice, but I got the person(s) out of my life.

My friend was repeatedly verbally abused by his step-parent, and when he was abused and hurt by others he was blamed for it by that parent. He had no support and no one to talk to about it for over 10 years.

He still feels guilty for even being affected by it and I’ve had long talks with him about how it isn’t “nothing compared to” what I went through.

You are not wrong to be upset. You are not wrong to feel the effects of trauma. Your hurt cannot be measured against anyone else’s. Your resiliency is your own and your situation is valid to you. Perception is everything. The worst thing that ever happened to you might ostensibly be less bad than the worst thing that ever happened to me – but it still is what happened to YOU.

Trauma is so predictable that we can make tidy little equations out of it. The ones above are good, but the ones I’ve seen are a little simpler. Something like:

Overwhelming Experience + Isolation + Shame = PTSD

Apparently the only time anybody saw my Grandaddy cry as an adult was after my biodad got drafted. His main comment on that was “For God’s sake, Billy, don’t be a medic!” Cue crying breakdown.

My Nana didn’t even snark when he proceeded to stay drunk for two days, she was that worried. (Both her parents had problems with it, and nobody was supposed to drink in that house. At least after they got married, he never went on a bender like that before or again.)

Yeah, he had served as a medic himself, with the 1st Infantry Division in North Africa. “At the end of World War II, the Division had suffered 21,023 casualties and 43,743 men had served in its ranks.” (X) He never talked about any of his war experiences afterward, and over 20 years later broke down like that when he did try to bring it up.

As for the state of PTSD recognition at the time (a longer quote than intended):

Medical personnel were puzzled that although over one million soldiers were screened out for psychological reasons, there continued to be staggering numbers of psychiatric casualties in war. In fact, even soldiers who had fought bravely on previous tours were being affected (Scott, 1990).

Overall, 25% of casualties were caused by war trauma, and this rate was even higher– 50%– for soldiers engaged in long, intense fighting (PBS, 2003). In fact, so many soldiers were affected that psychiatrists were confronted with the reality that psychological weakness had little to do with subsequent distress in combat. Thus, terminology changed from “combat neurosis” to “combat exhaustion,” or “battle fatigue” (Bentley, 2005). Reflecting the consensus that all soldiers were vulnerable to battle fatigue due to their environments, the U.S. Army adopted the official slogan, “Every man has his breaking point” (Magee, 2006)…

During WWII, treatment shifted to giving “mental patients” rest in safe areas (PBS, 2003). Other methods used by psychiatrists at this time included administering sodium pentothal (or other barbiturates) to induce repressed battlefield experiences, and even disbursing liquor to soldiers (PBS, 2003)!…

Although psychiatrists were advancing in their understanding of war trauma, combat exhaustion was not universally accepted. General George Patton was notable in his lack of sympathy for the psychological afflictions of soldiers. He is said to have slapped two soldiers who were recuperating in a military hospital while yelling to a medical officer, “Don’t admit this yellow bastard…There’s nothing the matter with him. I won’t have the hospitals cluttered up with these sons of bitches who haven’t got the guts to fight” (Magee, 2006). President Roosevelt received thousands of letters about the incident, most of which indicated support for Patton. “Ultimately, though, Patton was reprimanded, ordered to apologize, and relieved of command of the Seventh Army” (Magee, 2006).

And that was the people who spectacularly fell apart to the point of being incapacitated more immediately, not the ones who were “just” never the same after the repeated trauma. They were on their own, which may have been just as well given the state of understanding and what passed for treatment.

So much largely unacknowledged suffering there, yeah. The situation wasn’t great for Vietnam vets either, but their parents pretty much exclusively got the stiff upper lip treatment protocol.

I’m sure that helped a lot of them about the same as it did my Grandaddy. Who may not have gotten a decent night’s sleep between 1942 and when he died 45 years later. Never mind all the other lasting effects, and often the impacts on people close to them. Certainly not blaming them for it, but that can be hard on everybody. (Coming from someone dealing with PTSD for other reasons, in a family full of it.)

It’s overwhelming to think about, and that’s just combat vets from one war. Not even starting into all the other horrible shit going on at that time.

jumpingjacktrash:

alwaysneverneviditelny:

bootsnblossoms:

richesxx:

open-plan-infinity:

seeyouwithlaughterlines:

tikkunolamorgtfo:

nativepeopleproblems:

klezmo:

open-plan-infinity:

antisleep:

nabulus:

sapphiredoves:

king-emare:

Oh shit. I never realized this.

This is a depressing reality every 4th of July.

So they go around the world bombing and killing people and then expect us to feel sorry for them?? Nah son, you deserve it.

me if i ever find out any of my neighbors are veterans

Hmmm. I mean, just because the army as an institution is flawed and damaging doesn’t mean everyone in it is a terrible person. To paint every single veteran with the same brush is reductive and to make light of the debilitating mental disorders many have just seems wrong. Like yes, fuck the military as an institution completely 100%, but blaming disabled ex-front-line infantry maybe isn’t the best direction for our anger, perhaps.

A lot of veterans are poor people who were intentionally targeted by scouting programs coming to their schools starting at age 13, and most of them are worse off coming back than they were to start with… let’s be courteous to folks with PTSD

Don’t be an ableist fuckface. Intentionally triggering someone is disgusting.

I thought people on this godforsaken website at least understood this one basic principal, but apparently not, so let me make it crystal clear:

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BE SELECTIVELY PROGRESSIVE

You can hate Ann Coulter. But if you suggest that she deserves to be raped, you are a misogynist.

You can hate Woody Allen. But if you say he’s part of a Jewish conspiracy or joke about putting him in an oven, you are an antisemite.

You can hate Michael Vick. But you call for him to be lynched or call him the N-word, you are an anti-black racist.

You can hate Caitlyn Jenner. But if you misgender her, or make comments about her genitalia, you are a transphobe.

And you can hate the military. But if you deliberately try to trigger veterans with PTSD, you are an ableist piece of shit.

You do no get to pick and choose which people to treat fairly when it comes to acknowledging and combatting prejudice.

Not liking a person is not a free pass to disregard anti-prejudicial words and actions. Either you respect marginalized peoples as a whole (even if you don’t like an individual), or you don’t respect them at all. There is no middle ground.

If anyone really like, agrees with harassing veterans with PTSD or anything similar, unfollow me right the fuck now. I don’t want you following me.

You don’t have to like the military, it’s massively fucked up but y’all needs understand that most people in the military are victims of propaganda and are usually poor or part of a minority who are taken advantage of in order to join.

^^^ All of these comments tbh

Mhmm

Wasn’t it Hawkeye in MASH that talked about the fact that, except for a few brass very high up the food chain and very far removed from actual fighting, pretty much everyone in war is a victim?

Kids in poverty without hope of paying for college to dig themselves out of the cycle of being poor are the ones who enlist. Kids who have been busted for small offenses that suddenly make them hard to employ are the ones who enlist. Kids who would give anything to get away from the abuse and neglect of shitty home lives are the ones who enlist. They’re indoctrinated hard about strong they are, how much they’re a part of a greater good, how they’re heroes. Kids who have been fighting and scrapping and hustling their whole lives just to survive. Those kids are the ones with combat PTSD, not the fuckheads to use them like they’re disposable pawns on a chessboard. Most of those kids have basically zero good prospects without the military.

Enlisted kids are, by and large, victims. And they pay for it their whole lives with damaged bodies and damaged minds. Get your shit straight. Protest high ranking officers all the way up to the president, but leave combat vets the fuck alone.

Also, we’re not so far removed from the Vietnam War, which HAD A DRAFT. You didn’t get to choose to go, you didn’t go because you had no other options, you went because you were legally required to go.

My dad was drafted and fought in Vietnam. His family was poor, so unlike the wealthier members of his extended family, he couldn’t buy his way out (paying a doctor for a medical deferral) and he wasn’t in college. The only choice my dad had was to voluntarily enlist with the Marines, which gave him a 90 day deferral period.

(Which he freely admits was because he had just bought a motorcycle, and if he was going to die, he was going to die after he spent a summer riding his bike.)

My dad has PTSD. Sometimes, he’ll even admit it. But the resources that are available for Vets today weren’t for Vets from Vietnam. It’s called the forgotten war for a reason, and soldiers who returned home from Vietnam were vilified and attacked. A lot of them didn’t choose to go, and they certainly didn’t choose to be hated for fighting a war that they didn’t believe in. They didn’t have the option.

And I know I am a tumblr old, and my parents were older when they had me, but for the kids out there? My dad could be your grandfather. I hate these kind of comparisons, because human decency people, but think about how you’d feel about this post if the people advocating the disregard of combat Vets’ feeling were talking about older Vets from Korea and Vietnam?

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BE SELECTIVELY PROGRESSIVE

yes, that. a world of that. stop using progressive ideals as an excuse to be a vicious bastard. and if i catch you blaming individual soldiers for the wars that used them, i’ll give you such a Disappointed Dad Look you’ll feel six inches tall for a week.

Source: lilsansphil

just saw ur comment that you have a really strong startle reflex. I do too, from a past partner who was sexually abusive. my current bf doesn’t really get that when he touches me without me being aware he’s about to touch me, i automatically get scared. like, as a reflex. he says it feels like i don’t trust him, and i’ve told him that’s not the case- my mind totally trusts him, but my body just sends me crazy danger signals anyways. do you have any advice or tricks that have worked for you? thx!

violent-darts:

kawuli:

star-anise:

The people that I’ve trusted most in my life have been the people totally aware of their ability to hurt me. They aren’t ashamed that they have it; they just choose not to use it. My foster dad was the only person I fully trusted until I was 25, and he’s a military combat veteran with PTSD. I think a lot of what made him so trustworthy for me was that he was never upset when I was startled or uncomfortable with him; he just factored that into his plans. “I’ll explain it, but to adjust your stance more I’d have to come in and move your legs.” “You can sit on this couch with me, or drag over that chair.” “If you’re okay being around people with guns, you can come to [event], otherwise I’ll see you on Thursday.” And we’re from a social context where some people just DO have those triggers, and you accept that and Don’t Fucking Touch People When They Can’t See You. My own startle reflex is from childhood bullying, but it blends in pretty well with a found-family of military veterans and trauma survivors.

So I mean, there are ways to tone down a startle reflex, which are mostly just “ways to get PTSD treated” but I for one? Chose to actively keep my startle reflex even as I went through other treatments (medication, therapy, EMDR, yoga, etc). I’m generally a pretty passive and gentle person IRL, since I’ve worked to be very soothing and calming to other trauma victims in my work, but that means my boundaries get trampled a lot. If I didn’t have a strong startle reflex, I’d just freeze up when my physical boundaries are infringed on, whereas the startle gives me the energy I need to get physically clear and have a bit of adrenaline going to do something scary like tell them to back off.

So you know, this is me and the choices I’ve made–choices like “not dating anyone until I was 29 and finally found someone 100% okay with my boundaries”–but I’d tell your boyfriend to learn to deal with it? If you were a combat veteran who startled every time he dropped something loud, I bet he’d have a lot more sympathy for you and not make it All About Him. I mean, I get that it sucks to make a gesture of intimacy and connection and have it rebuffed, but the point is: IT’S NOT ABOUT HIM, BECAUSE IF YOU KNEW IT WAS HIM YOU WOULDN’T FLINCH. You say yourself that it’s about being aware that it’s him touching you! It’s knowing, “This is my boyfriend, whom I trust; a serial killer hasn’t wormed his way under my couch and decided to wrap an arm around me.”

So maybe he needs to work on better signalling his presence the way my found family does, like audibly making sounds when he’s coming up behind you (scuffing his feet as he walks, jingling keys, humming or whistling), approaching from within your field of vision before he touches you, or moving from a known area of touch for a new one (so if, say, he’s standing next to you, instead of just throwing an arm around your shoulders, he touches a near part of you with his hand, then slides it across your shoulders, so you’re always aware of what’s happening.)

Maybe HE lives in a world where people can be 100% trustworthy? Maybe he lives in a world where it’s reasonable to be hurt when people don’t automatically interpret everything you do as benign. But I’ve lived with being traumatized for so long, and lived around traumatized people so long, that I’m like, “That sounds like an interesting place, I wonder what colour the sky is there.” Like… you don’t think he’s bad or malign or going to kill you (one PRESUMES), but at the same time, you live in a world where the people you’re socially close to and comfortable around CAN hurt you, and your definition of “trust” is always going to mean choosing to be around them despite knowing they can hurt you. It’s not very possible for you or your body to just un-know that.

And in the end it ABSOLUTELY would not cool or fair if you end up in a situation where HE can show upset and discomfort with your emotional expressions, but YOU cannot show upset and discomfort with his, and his unhappiness is more important than yours, and you’re the one working to silence your discomfort for the good of the relationship but he’s not working to change his behaviour and deal with his emotions to make you happy. He needs to take his sadness over your “not trusting” him and go, “Okay, it’s not me, so now I’m just sad that my girlfriend had these negative experiences, but I will use that sadness to make sure I act in a way that feels safer and more comfortable to her.”

If I didn’t have a strong startle reflex, I’d just freeze up when my physical boundaries are infringed on, whereas the startle gives me the energy I need to get physically clear and have a bit of adrenaline going to do something scary like tell them to back off.

…..huh. My response is generally to freeze up until I can get out of the situation somehow (and I may not even notice that’s what I’m doing until after the fact). I don’t have a typically overactive startle response (usually). Perhaps I should stop letting my brain use that as “see you’re just faking.”

Yeah fear responses are actually tripartate: flight, fight, FREEZE.

@star-anise tends towards the flight-type of startle – jump/flinch AWAY, etc. I … have in fact nearly broken people’s noses because I have the fight-type – “KILL THE THING THAT TOUCHED ME”, and even though I’ve gotten a good handle on it so that I don’t HARM people without at least a split-second’s thought (enough to parse “do I know this person/was it probably a total accident/is killing Allowed here”), the hostility is still. Um. APPARENTLY VERY OBVIOUS.

But a fuck of a lot of people freeze, too. Especially people who’ve learned/been conditioned to know they CAN’T either fight or flee. Like all responses in some situations it can be vital, and in a lot of others is Less Useful.

It’s specifically Less Useful when you’re trying to establish working safe boundaries in situations where people genuinely can’t hit you with a mallet. Which is most of the situations one is in on a normal day to day basis.

So.

(Ok really on time out now. >.>)