Tag: relationships

Autism and Emotional Labour

I don’t have the energy or wording ability to comment much on this one right now.

(Though I can’t say I much like the number of rather different things which do tend to get lumped together under that label. As a more general issue, not specifically to do with this post. The executive function stuff really doesn’t fit under “emotional”.)

Anyway, I didn’t get far into it before something struck me pretty hard:

If you read the MetaFilter thread, you’ve probably already pictured this scenario. Let’s imagine an autistic man married to an NT woman. (Possibly a stereotype, but also the situation of many people IRL, including people I know, so let’s just run with it for now.)

The NT woman says, “My husband isn’t doing any emotional labour for me. He never knows what I’m thinking or feeling unless I tell him. If I tell him what to do, he’ll do it, but that doesn’t feel like enough. Just once, I want someone to notice I’ve had a bad day and know how to comfort me, without my having to say anything. When my husband doesn’t do that, I feel so invisible and lonely.”

The autistic man says, “I don’t understand how to make my wife happy. She wants me to guess what she is feeling, but I can’t read her facial expressions or body language, so I can’t guess! Why can’t she just tell me what she wants? I always do whatever she asks of me, and it kills me that this isn’t enough.

Neither partner in this scenario is wrong. Both are suffering because of unmet needs.

That is a fairly stereotypical scenario. But, some of the phrasing caught my attention.

I am so, so glad to be living with someone now who is NOT in the habit of deciding they know what I’m thinking and feeling better than I do, without bothering to consult me about it. Much less getting all pissy on the regular, based on assumptions about that from whatever cues they’re (often badly mis)reading. And giving that much more weight than what I do say about my own feelings.

(While I’m turning more hypervigilant all the time, trying to predict and anticipate what’s going on with them based on observation and pattern matching 😦)

Talk about some very different needs and expectations, yeah.

I probably react much more strongly to that pattern since I do associate it with low regard for boundaries, the other person being unwilling/unable to admit when they’re wrong, and actual abusive behavior. But, I doubt I would appreciate it much even without the additional baggage, and with everyone involved consistently acting in good faith.

Important to recognize when communication just isn’t working well for everyone involved, and try to come up with some solution that does work. It’s also important for everyone involved to try there, getting back to one major theme in that post.

Hadn’t thought about the “please do not assume you know what I’m thinking and feeling” in exactly those terms before, I don’t think. But, I was also thinking again earlier about some other needs not always getting met so well usually being a decent tradeoff for generally more respectful behavior. And just not regularly having to put up with a bunch of interference and sniping, which never would have passed for acceptable had it gone the other way.

This is definitely one example, to the point that it jumped out in a rather triggering way when I read this a while later.

Part of what makes the idea of micro-cheating harmful is that it presumes that any interest in another person is inherently bad. But the fact of the matter is that everyone gets crushes. Everyone finds themselves infatuated with another person or finds themselves having sweaty thoughts about somebody – regardless of their relationship status. It’s part of the human condition; no one person can be all things to us. We are all going to be interested in other people and no amount of monitoring is going to change that. Monogamy just means that we choose not to sleep with other people, not that we don’t want to.

And that’s fine. But trying to safeguard the primacy of your relationship by watching for signs of “micro-cheating” just creates a system of confirmation bias; you’ll find reasons to be suspicious because you’re expecting to see them. It discourages trust between partners and actively damages the relationship. Relationships aren’t depositions. You aren’t obligated to account for every thought, every action and every line of text, just because you’re dating someone. Putting a ring on it doesn’t mean that you no longer have an expectation of privacy. You always have the right to your own life and your own secrets.

No, Micro-Cheating Isn’t A Thing – Paging Dr. NerdLove (via brutereason)
Source: doctornerdlove.com

toatimebefore:

thechiyodan:

thorduna:

rifa:

cecaeliawitch:

sari-y-fawr:

cisnowflake:

cecaeliawitch:

I firmly believe that unless the couple has discussed and agreed to marriage ahead of time, nobody has any business making a surprise public proposal.

Okay except some people want a surprise public proposal. 

Girl my husband took me to Spain and gave me a kinder egg on the beach, the ring was inside the capsule (Lord knows how he did that) if any feminist tried to take that away from me I may cut a bitch. Best surprise of my life.

I wish people were capable of analyzing larger social trends and figuring that a significant number of women end up getting pressured into engagements or marriages they don’t want bc the audience that comes along with a public proposal will think she’s a bitch if she says no – instead of thinking “i liked it when it happened to me, therefore it could never turn out badly for anyone, not ever!!!!”

I think what people are misunderstanding here is that agreeing to marriage ahead of time doesn’t need to be like, asking permission to propose? I surprised my now spouse with a proposal in Disneyland but before that we had several conversations about the future of our relationship, future plans for our retirements and how we’d have to get married eventually for immigration purposes. I didn’t go to her and say “so would you say yeah if I proposed?” or hash out deets ahead of time, but we had enough of a mutual understanding and communicated desire to get married that, although it was a surprise for when and how I proposed, it wasn’t out of left field at all.

This is exactly like conversations about consent, people get up in arms thinking that it means you have to have contracts and serious sit down conversations before doing anything when its REALLY EASY to simply COMMUNICATE with your partner so things like this are done properly, yeesh

“proposal can be a surprise, engagement shouldn’t be“ – saw that somewhere, thought it was the most accurate

not to mention op specifically stated that it was about communication, not “surprise proposals are toxic”

but hey any excuse to bash feminism amirite

Also I want to point out there is a key difference between surprise proposals and public proposals. A public proposal puts a lot of pressure on the person to say ‘yes’ as they are being watched by a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with proposing with few of no people around as then that person has time to think. I also want to add that if you don’t think the person proposing will be ok with you saying ‘I’ll think about it’ they probably aren’t the person for you.

darkseid:

rose-owl:

dayvushka:

catbountry:

trilllizard420:

bodynegative:

Sdghghsldghwhgoghenksdglskjdg

WHAT

Hardcore grudging.

Hey I wrote this post a couple years ago! It was for a discussion about emotional labor and the lie that relationships are hard work.

The month before he didn’t buy me a Snickers, we completely ignored my
birthday because he ranted about how pathetic it is when girls want
presents just for aging. I was a Cool Girl so I agreed that my birthday
is unimportant.

Then the week before he didn’t buy me a Snickers, we celebrated his birthday for 7 days straight at his request and at considerable time and financial cost to myself. Then he didn’t buy me a Snickers.

We obviously didn’t like each other, but when you’re 18/19 years old and all you’ve ever heard is that you’re not supposed to like your partner and relationships take so much work to maintain, then you assume your shitty relationship is healthy. Don’t be like that. The only hard relationships are with people you don’t like.

Damn girl

i always knew there was a story behind this post

Source: xanny

xxkylalalaxx:

twentyonelizards:

my boyfriend and I sometimes struggle to be on the same page when it comes to comforting- often i just want to vent and don’t need advice, whereas validation confuses him and he wants a plan of action

to counter this, we’ve come up with a system where we ask: “do you want advice, empathy, both or neither?” 

if it’s just advice, i know to go straight to action points and not spend time on fluffy words 

if it’s just empathy, he knows i want to be reassured and comforted and that’s all

if it’s both, it’s time for advice that recognises how hard the situation is and is perhaps gentler in nature

if it’s neither, just a hug is really good

i recommend trying to use this in your lives! it makes sure you’re giving and getting what you need, and reduces the risk of resentment or similar

My parents did a similar thing to me where they would ask, “sympathy or solution?”. If the answer was sympathy, they did not want to hear me talk about the issue anymore. I was made to feel bad about talking through my problems.

When using this kind of system, it is important to acknowledge and make it clear that it’s okay to want comfort without resolution.

Here’s the dirty little secret about this though: there is no such thing as withholding sex because there is no situation in which you owe another human being sex. Ever. Your body is 100% your own and you get to consent or not consent to other people doing things to or with your body for whatever the hell reason you would like. This includes because you’re pissed off at the person, because they did something you didn’t like, because you just don’t fucking feel like it, because you’re tired, because you don’t feel attractive, because you’d rather read a book…any of the above. And not wanting to have sex with someone because you have negative feelings towards them at a given moment is not in fact punishment. It’s actually a very natural human feeling not to want to be physically intimate with someone when you’re annoyed/angry/hurt/sad with them. Oddly enough letting someone be close to your body when you don’t feel emotionally close to them doesn’t always feel great (if that’s your thing then go for it, but for those who don’t like it then there is no fucking reason to apologize).
But the idea that you can pull some sort of power play in a relationship by not giving the other person something which you don’t owe to them in the first place makes no sense. It would be like telling your partner that you’re going to punish them by not baking them chocolate chip cookies every day: sure, maybe they would like those cookies but in no way are you obligated to bake them cookies anyway, so they should probably be just fine getting along without it. The idea that you should feel as if the only way you can express that you’re angry or upset or unhappy in your relationship is by taking ownership over your body in a way that is so basic it should never have been a question is somewhat disgusting. If your partner has you so convinced that you owe them sex, no wonder you feel a little angry or vindictive towards them.

“Withholding Sex” and Other Lies | We Got So Far To Go (via lasttraintoberlin)
Source: taikonenfea.wordpress.com

lysikan:

geekdawson:

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

If it wasn’t stated outright – it wasn’t said.

lovely-lady-of-fandoms:

firebirdeternal:

taraljc:

xjessr:

ATTENTION ALL GIRLS: Being a ride or die means staying by a man’s side whether he has $500 or $5. Not when he cheats 10 times and you stay.

“Ride or Die” also means that if he ever hits you, he dies, and you call your bff for a ride.

Loyalty through hardship is one thing, loyalty through cruelty is another. 

Don’t forget that it works both ways, he should be willing to ride or die for you too. The goal of a relationship is support and love one another

I did coincidentally end up marrying someone who makes enough money that, while “loaded” is definitely not the word, we’re also not really struggling with me unable to bring in more income for years now.

(“Coincidentally”, as in I wasn’t exactly looking to marry someone for that great middle-class income potential 😯 Neither one of us had actually planned on getting married at all, but guess what.)

I know I’ve rambled about that before, but total financial dependence still isn’t the kind of precarious position anyone should have to end up in. So many ways that can go badly.

Anyway, even though my partner has never acted like a dick about it at all, and I made very sure he was aware going in that I might or might not ever be able to do paid work again? (To the point that my mother got on my case for “trying so hard to run him off”. Yeahno, the reactions there are really something I need to know ASAP if things are getting serious, for my own protection.)

That’s still one of the major things my brainweasels keep seizing onto. Some people worry that their partner might want to leave them for someone better looking. Which frankly wouldn’t be that hard either, but that’s never really been my big relationship insecurity thing.

No, I can’t help but worry that he’ll get totally fed up dealing with my bullshit, with disability stuff/general craziness in a leading role of course. And prefer to spend time with someone who can do things like get paid for an actual career, and go out and do fun things with him. Someone just generally easier to live with.

(Kinda amplified with the prospect of moving to Sweden, tbh. In that case, plenty of people he has way more in common with, on top of all the rest.)

I am very aware that this stuff, not too surprisingly, does tie right in with some earlier emotional abuse. Including caregiver abuse, yeah. (Important if very triggering post, and it’s not just paid staff.) Intensifying the worse my health situation was. And that it’s most likely seriously overblown. But, those brainweasels sure are persistent.

For an extra level of unpleasantness to the situation. And I would be surprised if that were an uncommon thing, given some of the nasty social messages out there. Even if not everybody has the same awesome combo of PTSD and OCD feeding the weasels.