Protip for men: if marriage is a horrifying concept for you and you think it is an evil trap, do not buy a ring and ask a woman to marry you
I’m way over seeing radical feminist bullshit on my dash. This isn’t even social justice or a real issue.
sorry that not marrying someone you dont loathe is radical feminism i guess?
women: don’t propose or get married if u don’t like the thought of marriage
men: what kind of sjw fuckery
the other bit that this implies is:
If you like your wife, act like it. Even around your friends. Be open and honest about liking your wife, liking spending time with her, and not being resentful of the shared work of building a household. Let your buddies know you can’t hang out with them because you’d rather be home with your wife, whom you like, because she is your legit bff, even though you know your buddies are gonna mock you for it.
Stand up to your buddies. Tell them mocking isn’t cool and you don’t want them to do it anymore. Challenge the other men in your life to be better men.
That is what “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” implies to men who are married. And while it’s all completely reasonable I imagine that it’s scary as fuck when it’s just so much easier to har de har har the little woman’s such a nag, ain’t she, don’t we all hate being married so much? with other men.
In that context, “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” is kindof a radical statement.
The number of guys I work with who are engaged who started pulling the “uh oh, life over soon, har har” shit that I have completely shut down with a simple “well if you don’t want to get married, then don’t”…*sigh* And they’re just like, hem, haw, welllll if I don’t then she might not stay with meee, which I respond to with “well, sounds like you need to have a pretty serious and honest conversation with your fiancee about your feelings then” and then the *panic!* look…When you remove that easy “hah hah ball-and-chain” narrative, watch the reaction. Some of them (to a female friend) will mumblingly admit that they love their fiancee and are excited to be married. Others…all you get is fear.
That’s the disservice we do men by refusing to teach boys how to explore their emotional needs. It hurts everyone. I watched three male friends walk into marriages I can tell they weren’t ready for and didn’t want, just because it was expected and they had no tools for emotional self-examination. Two of those marriages are (shockingly) in crisis, a couple years later. One has kids involved now. It’s more than a little heartbreaking. The marriages I see that are working? Are the guys with the emotional maturity to talk to their wives and who don’t care if everyone knows they’re in love with them.
SERIOUSLY.
My friend is getting married this summer and when I congratulated her fiance on their engagement he said to me “Yeah well you know, women. This is what they want so you have to bite the bullet.” and my other friend’s husband who was sitting next to him laughed and agreed. If this is how you feel, don’t get married. Don’t propose. Just…. Don’t. Do it. Any of it.
Straight people think that doing things you really don’t want to do – like marriage and having kids – is normal cos they’re still stuck in a fucking 19th century mindset.
It’s why I know my best friend got a good one, he’s open about how much he loves her and he’s excited to be getting married and regularly contributes ideas and has his own input, it’s nice to see
It filters through as well. Even being gay, a lot of my straight friends don’t understand why I spend so much time with my husband. Because I love him? Because I enjoy his company? Because he’s my best friend? I can’t count the amount of straight people that have told me that they think it’s “weird” that my husband and I spend so much quality time together. The only person who understood was my mom, whose response was: “If you love someone and genuinely enjoy their company, why WOULDN’T you want to spend your free time with them?!”
How can anyone look at their impending marriage and think ‘oh no, it’s all over now’ like???? I’ve only felt so close to so many people in my life, but those small few were like?? I’d wake up in the morning excited to be awake just to look forward to SEEING them. I’d catch myself with this stupid idiot grin in broad daylight just THINKING ABOUT BEING AROUND THEM. I’d sleep easy with them in my head, shitty days became perfect once I spoke to them. THAT’s how I imagine feeling again someday. I think about feeling that way for someone again and it’s like the whole future opens up. Marriage is finding your best friend in the whole wide world and wanting to have a sleepover every single day, and to agree to it and then go around groaning like your freedom is being stolen is a HUGE disrespect. If you have the freedom to share your life with anyone you like and you throw it around like baggage you really can’t expect it to grow, can you? You gotta care about yourself a little more than that I think
All of this.
Not to mention this mentality makes it’s way TO THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. How many weddings have we seen with something like this:
Like what kind of toxic mentality do you have to have to say this as the bride is about to walk down the aisle and marry someone who it’s now suggested doesn’t even want to be there?? How is this cute? How is this supposedly charming? This is supposed to be the person you love and want to be with! And not to mention that you send this down the aisle with a small child (the ring bearer or the flower girls)…I have a special loathing for things like this.
Holy shit I didn’t know that was even a thing.
This reminds me of a study I read about years ago with statistics on happiness/stability in relationships of people of various genders/orientations, and straight people were at the very bottom. (And lesbians were at the top! Not a huge surprise, given that women are generally more inclined to communicate and work out emotions and issues.)
Protip for men: if marriage is a horrifying concept for you and you think it is an evil trap, do not buy a ring and ask a woman to marry you
I’m way over seeing radical feminist bullshit on my dash. This isn’t even social justice or a real issue.
sorry that not marrying someone you dont loathe is radical feminism i guess?
women: don’t propose or get married if u don’t like the thought of marriage
men: what kind of sjw fuckery
the other bit that this implies is:
If you like your wife, act like it. Even around your friends. Be open and honest about liking your wife, liking spending time with her, and not being resentful of the shared work of building a household. Let your buddies know you can’t hang out with them because you’d rather be home with your wife, whom you like, because she is your legit bff, even though you know your buddies are gonna mock you for it.
Stand up to your buddies. Tell them mocking isn’t cool and you don’t want them to do it anymore. Challenge the other men in your life to be better men.
That is what “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” implies to men who are married. And while it’s all completely reasonable I imagine that it’s scary as fuck when it’s just so much easier to har de har har the little woman’s such a nag, ain’t she, don’t we all hate being married so much? with other men.
In that context, “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” is kindof a radical statement.
The number of guys I work with who are engaged who started pulling the “uh oh, life over soon, har har” shit that I have completely shut down with a simple “well if you don’t want to get married, then don’t”…*sigh* And they’re just like, hem, haw, welllll if I don’t then she might not stay with meee, which I respond to with “well, sounds like you need to have a pretty serious and honest conversation with your fiancee about your feelings then” and then the *panic!* look…When you remove that easy “hah hah ball-and-chain” narrative, watch the reaction. Some of them (to a female friend) will mumblingly admit that they love their fiancee and are excited to be married. Others…all you get is fear.
That’s the disservice we do men by refusing to teach boys how to explore their emotional needs. It hurts everyone. I watched three male friends walk into marriages I can tell they weren’t ready for and didn’t want, just because it was expected and they had no tools for emotional self-examination. Two of those marriages are (shockingly) in crisis, a couple years later. One has kids involved now. It’s more than a little heartbreaking. The marriages I see that are working? Are the guys with the emotional maturity to talk to their wives and who don’t care if everyone knows they’re in love with them.
SERIOUSLY.
My friend is getting married this summer and when I congratulated her fiance on their engagement he said to me “Yeah well you know, women. This is what they want so you have to bite the bullet.” and my other friend’s husband who was sitting next to him laughed and agreed. If this is how you feel, don’t get married. Don’t propose. Just…. Don’t. Do it. Any of it.
Straight people think that doing things you really don’t want to do – like marriage and having kids – is normal cos they’re still stuck in a fucking 19th century mindset.
It’s why I know my best friend got a good one, he’s open about how much he loves her and he’s excited to be getting married and regularly contributes ideas and has his own input, it’s nice to see
It filters through as well. Even being gay, a lot of my straight friends don’t understand why I spend so much time with my husband. Because I love him? Because I enjoy his company? Because he’s my best friend? I can’t count the amount of straight people that have told me that they think it’s “weird” that my husband and I spend so much quality time together. The only person who understood was my mom, whose response was: “If you love someone and genuinely enjoy their company, why WOULDN’T you want to spend your free time with them?!”
How can anyone look at their impending marriage and think ‘oh no, it’s all over now’ like???? I’ve only felt so close to so many people in my life, but those small few were like?? I’d wake up in the morning excited to be awake just to look forward to SEEING them. I’d catch myself with this stupid idiot grin in broad daylight just THINKING ABOUT BEING AROUND THEM. I’d sleep easy with them in my head, shitty days became perfect once I spoke to them. THAT’s how I imagine feeling again someday. I think about feeling that way for someone again and it’s like the whole future opens up. Marriage is finding your best friend in the whole wide world and wanting to have a sleepover every single day, and to agree to it and then go around groaning like your freedom is being stolen is a HUGE disrespect. If you have the freedom to share your life with anyone you like and you throw it around like baggage you really can’t expect it to grow, can you? You gotta care about yourself a little more than that I think
All of this.
Not to mention this mentality makes it’s way TO THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. How many weddings have we seen with something like this:
Like what kind of toxic mentality do you have to have to say this as the bride is about to walk down the aisle and marry someone who it’s now suggested doesn’t even want to be there?? How is this cute? How is this supposedly charming? This is supposed to be the person you love and want to be with! And not to mention that you send this down the aisle with a small child (the ring bearer or the flower girls)…I have a special loathing for things like this.
Holy shit I didn’t know that was even a thing.
This reminds me of a study I read about years ago with statistics on happiness/stability in relationships of people of various genders/orientations, and straight people were at the very bottom. (And lesbians were at the top! Not a huge surprise, given that women are generally more inclined to communicate and work out emotions and issues.)
This was a big thing with an old friend group that played Magic. Most of them were straight men and they would joke like “I finally got away from my wife and I get to do Nerd Man things” and I was always like “wait, why doesn’t she play too?”
I don’t think it’s at ALL a coincidence that there are a lot more women at the other store I play at now.
Still not as many, but more. Several of whom, omg, come with their husbands and have fun.
biggest hetero lie i’ve been told: fighting is a part of a healthy romantic relationship
Disagreements are a part of every healthy relationship. Having bad days when you’re not your best self is a part of every healthy relationship. Fighting, disrespect, and insults? Those are not healthy at all.
NO OKAY THIS IS SO FUCKING TRUE. THIS BOILS MY GODDAMN BLOOD.
STORY TIME.
When I was 16 I had recently moved, and was attending a new school. About half-way through the school year, I started dating a guy I was friends with. He and I got on REALLY well. Like yeah we had disagreements and shit, but we always, ALWAYS talked about it and discussed our feelings and why things were making us upset. Every. Single. Time. We had a good system. And when we had disagreements we resolved them immediately. Otherwise we got along SO WELL. It was great I was really freaking happy and he was too!
About six months into my relationship, people, mostly my family members, commented about how WELL we got along…a l m o s t like it was a bad thing. I didn’t really think about it though, too involved in my own brain.
Skip ahead, to about a year-ish in. Friends of mine would sometimes get into fights with their significant others and they’d tell me ALL about it and I’m a good friend so I’d listen and try to give advice. Except I never had anything when they’d ask me, “Oh well what do you do when you and J get into fights??”
And I never had an answer other than “Well we don’t fight.”
And they never believed me. Or worse they’d insist that was UNHEALTHY. “Fighting is healthy, it lets out tension building up! You just need to sometimes!”
I never, EVER EVER felt comfortable with that, and I’d shrug it off and insist we didn’t NEED to fight. Our relationship was ALREADY healthy, especially because of the way we handled disagreements. People never listened and insisted there was something wrong, whether out-right stating it or hinting at it.
Even my best friend insisted that fighting was healthy, and I listened to her on nearly everything. Except for that. I didn’t budge for anyone.
DO NOT LET PEOPLE FOOL YOU. FIGHTING IS NOT HEALTHY. DISAGREEMENTS ARE. BAD DAYS ARE OKAY. LEGITIMATE SCREAMING AND GOD FORBID PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IS. NOT. OKAY!!!
Don’t be fooled guys, please.
Talking to one another through disagreements is the ONLY healthy way to handle disagreements in a relationship.
Verbal, physical and psychological violence is NEVER healthy.
^ All of this!
I think what the “fighting is healthy” people think is that if you’re not fighting that you’re not discussing the things that upset you at all and you’re both festering in resentment that never gets resolved. But like… no. You can talk about stuff without fighting about it.
Relationships are scary and complicated ONLY when you start thinking of your partner as some kind of adversary.
You know how to stop being scared of relationships? Remember that it’s got a goddamn buddy system *built in*. That’s all a relationship IS: “Let’s approach life with the buddy system.”
Check on your buddy. Make sure your buddy doesn’t forget their lunch box on the schoolbus. Hold hands with your buddy so you don’t get lost. If your buddy wants to look at the monkey cage, look at the goddamn monkey cage with them. If you are the one looking at the monkey cage, ask your buddy what they want to do next, and when they want to feed the giraffe, help them find a quarter for the little food dispenser. Be a good buddy, and if your buddy isn’t a good one too, tell the teacher and ask for a new one.
This isn’t fucking rocket science, people.
I have reblogged this before. I will reblog it again. And it’s not just romantic relationships: it’s family members and friends as well.
This kind of woke my ass up because of the amount of times I’ve had a buddy who didn’t check on me, didn’t want me to check on them, but didn’t want me to leave.
Intimacy is beyond kisses and cuddles and sex. Intimacy is getting a headache and taking a nap, and waking up to your laundry folded and your partner rubbing your back. Intimacy is crying and yelling at night about your past to someone who listens and comforts you. Intimacy is watching shows in your pjs for hours and eating pizza together and being able to communicate love through holding hands. It’s never running out of conversation but doing it anyways to enjoy silence.
I may have mentioned before that Mr. C has half-jokingly said more than once that maybe he should take a cheap flight to Stockholm to buy some trousers that fit. Because he’s far enough outside the norm here, needing only like a 44/34 now, that it’s been proving harder than it should. (Larger waistband and inseam both on the same garment? Tricky where average male height is like 5’7" and people tend toward way smaller frames than either of ours.) He had much better luck finding things that worked just at Target or similar when Previous Job kept sending him to the US, but that’s been a while now.
Anyway, he did end up with at least one day free in Stockholm on his way to Helsinki for Worldcon. And, running pretty low on pants that didn’t have holes in them, he took the opportunity to buy a couple of pairs while he was back home!
Spoiler: they really really don’t fit better 😦
The ones he set off in for another work trip this morning looked even more uncomfortably tight than the new pair I’d already seen. The two-tone effect on these really did not help visually, though.
They also illustrate one major problem: relaxed cuts are just not in now. And that’s really suboptimal for Mr. Burly Viking here. (And not just him, I’m sure.)
I didn’t say anything about either pair, as seriously as anything I could think of failed the “is this helpful?” test. Yeah, he is no doubt extremely aware that those pants are tight. He’s the one who bought and is wearing them, on his own body. As the best he could find in a pinch, but still.
I really didn’t fall for him because of his fashion sense, which is his business. But, those new pants just do not look comfortable at all–besides terrible on.
So, I’m going ahead and looking for some different options now, on the basis that more hopefully better-fitting pants probably wouldn’t be unwelcome when he is basically down to those two new pairs for now 😵 I mean, I try extra-hard not to be intrusive with stuff like that, unlike my mother, and may well err toward the other side sometimes with boundaries. (Like with that hair matting incident, yeah.) But, it does seem like he really could use some help finding more clothes now.
Trying one strategy I’d considered before, to hopefully address some specific fit problems: clothing designed with larger thighs in mind. He may not have been working out much for a while now–and was never that seriously into it– but he basically has a power lifter’s legs by default.
Directly leading to the more recent persistent problem with ripping the seats out of his britches because they don’t have enough thigh room, yeah. Which I wouldn’t have thought of as a reason for trouser malfunctions, with pretty much the opposite fit issue here, until he mentioned it. *wry smile*
But, they make clothes for this. It’s one hell of a note when even basic cargo/outdoors type pants (which he started wearing largely for the more relaxed cuts) have gotten slimmer enough cut that this has even turned into a problem.
What I’ve seen so far aimed at athletes have mostly not been much if any more expensive than he’s been paying at Orvis for pants that last maybe a couple of months before the seat goes. And less than that after a repair. (He’s been fixing them a lot, which is only a stopgap measure besides aggravating. Only works so many times, too, without resorting to big ugly patches.)
Not to mention these newest Horrible Trousers from Haglöfs, which don’t actually have prices listed on their site but couldn’t have been cheap for that appalling fit. No idea about durability yet, but jfc those are bad enough already.
Even if the specialist fit ones were twice the price, it would be totally worth it though. Here’s hoping I can find some that do work better. And that he won’t mind the intrusion that much, considering the trouble he’s been having finding suitable ones on his own.
Here’s your reminder that relationships are extremely difficult. the delusion that you are going to find that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with is a gross romanticization of reality.
You’re going to have great times in a relationship. You’re going to go on fun dates and have great sex and hot make out sessions. But you’re also going to fight. You’re going to be in that weird stage where you like them more than they like you or vice versa and that’s going to hurt. You’re going to have to deal with jealousy and insecurity. You will have to deal with boredom in the relationship. You’re going to be too busy for them or accidentally hurt them. And you are going to have to deal with a few break ups before you find that right one.
A relationship is not going to solve all of your problems. It’s not going to suddenly make you happy. It isn’t easy. They are much harder than being single. Relationships are an unbelievable amount of work and effort and compromise and it’s not always going to be perfect. But the effort you put into it is what make it worth it. Because you fought and worked hard for this person and hopefully they did the same for you. So remember that.
Look man, I see what you’re trying to get at here, but if “cook naked” and “play footsie” aren’t actually real things that happen in relationships sometimes THEN WHAT IS THE POINT?!
reblog if you found that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with
If a relationship feels like hard work that is tiring more than it feels like something that lifts you up and lends you strength and brings you joy, it’s probably time to leave.
I’ve been married for seven years, lived with my now-spouse for three years before that, and dated him for years before we moved in together. We’re still not bored. We’re partners who love and support each other. We trust each other enough to talk about our needs and love each other enough to want to meet those needs. Being considerate of your loved ones shouldn’t be hard work.
Loving someone does not have to be hard, and having fun and being affectionate as a daily norm of your relationship should really not be so rare that discussing it is a “gross romanticization.”
We met in October 2007, started living together in February 2008, got married in July 2010, had a kid in March 2015. And yes, this kind of thing happens at least once a day.
We have serious things happen too, like money discussions and parenting discussions and trying to decide if we really want another pet (the answer is always yes). But we do these kinds of things at least once a day, and that is important.
Here’s your reminder that relationships are extremely difficult. the delusion that you are going to find that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with is a gross romanticization of reality.
You’re going to have great times in a relationship. You’re going to go on fun dates and have great sex and hot make out sessions. But you’re also going to fight. You’re going to be in that weird stage where you like them more than they like you or vice versa and that’s going to hurt. You’re going to have to deal with jealousy and insecurity. You will have to deal with boredom in the relationship. You’re going to be too busy for them or accidentally hurt them. And you are going to have to deal with a few break ups before you find that right one.
A relationship is not going to solve all of your problems. It’s not going to suddenly make you happy. It isn’t easy. They are much harder than being single. Relationships are an unbelievable amount of work and effort and compromise and it’s not always going to be perfect. But the effort you put into it is what make it worth it. Because you fought and worked hard for this person and hopefully they did the same for you. So remember that.
Look man, I see what you’re trying to get at here, but if “cook naked” and “play footsie” aren’t actually real things that happen in relationships sometimes THEN WHAT IS THE POINT?!
reblog if you found that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with
If a relationship feels like hard work that is tiring more than it feels like something that lifts you up and lends you strength and brings you joy, it’s probably time to leave.
I’ve been married for seven years, lived with my now-spouse for three years before that, and dated him for years before we moved in together. We’re still not bored. We’re partners who love and support each other. We trust each other enough to talk about our needs and love each other enough to want to meet those needs. Being considerate of your loved ones shouldn’t be hard work.
Loving someone does not have to be hard, and having fun and being affectionate as a daily norm of your relationship should really not be so rare that discussing it is a “gross romanticization.”
i treat people how i want to be treated until i notice a lack of reciprocity
then i begin to treat them how they treat me
and that’s when people usually notice that there’s a problem
“you acting different”
yeah
I gotta start doing this
This is great in theory, but doesn’t always work in real life.
Treating others the way you want to be treated is usually a good thing, as there are some things we all want (attention, recognition, respect, etc). However, there are certain things that one person might want or need, that the other not only doesn’t want, but can’t stand.
Example: My friend Jessica is a hugger. Giving and receiving hugs symbolizes affection for her. I, on the other hand, can’t stand being hugged. I don’t even like to be touched by most people.
Say she communicates to me that she loves me by giving me a hug. If I hug her back, but say nothing, she doesn’t know that I don’t like being hugged. Then, when I don’t ever engage her in a hug, she wonders why, and feels like I am not an affectionate person, or I don’t reciprocate her affection… When really, I’m very affectionate, but I show it in different ways. If I never communicate that to her, she doesn’t understand, and her feelings are hurt. Maybe she doesn’t communicate how she feels, either.
Resentment slowly grows as more situations arise where we are each expecting to receive the same treatment from each other that we are giving. A rift is created in our friendship that slowly pushes us apart. A situation that could easily have been avoided if we had expressed how we felt to begin with.
Tl;Dr: Don’t assume that other people want to be treated the way you want to be treated. Communication is EXTREMELY important. What works for one person may not work for another, and it may not even be something you would instinctively identify as a problem.
A burnt out bulb may go unrecognized as a problem – there’s two other bulbs in the room, it’s a little dimmer, so what? It might take all three burning out before you see it as a problem.
Yeah, I think one of the reasons I get so frustrated is that I don’t seem to get hung up on that particular step very much. While living with someone who could let all three burn out, and not necessarily be put out enough to replace any even then. (Not exaggerating.)
Harder for me to understand or figure out how to help deal with, when some prompting isn’t always enough to get the concern really registering.
(That’s before we get to the “it’s important to know my blind spots and learn to function around them” part of that same commentary. Another frustrating thing, when someone close to you just seems not to recognize that there is any blind spot there, yeah.)
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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