We Can’t Win

annieelainey:

Being chronically ill is having literally every breath you take scrutinized. You’re smiling, laughing, getting around okay, maybe even jump or dance: “It can’t be that bad, you look fine!” You are stuck in bed from the pain, illness, & fatigue: “Just try harder, make an EFFORT”

Ya know what, folks? Just let chronically ill people survive their daily lives in the best way they know how. You are not in their body, you will NEVER know how hard they push themselves; how every joy, every physical action was fought for, how LOW every low actually is.

Because of internalized ableism we rarely, if EVER, show people our lowest lows. There’s an added pressure to be presentable, to blend in, to do things as independently as possible so we don’t feel like “burdens” or “buzzkills” to those around us!

Trust chronically ill people when they tell you their limits, they don’t need to “make an effort” they NEED a break, They’re putting their best efforts every day of their lives and it goes completely unacknowledged.

Chronic illness is a full-time job on its own:  

-Researching your illness
-Organizing data
-Arranging doctor’s appointment
-Emotional/physical labor of said doctor’s appointments
-Experimenting with treatments
-Pushing through symptoms to continue daily life 

If you’re LUCKY your doctor isn’t an obstacle in regards to attaining your diagnosis or treatment,

If you’re **lucky** MONEY isn’t an obstacle in regards to attaining your diagnosis or treatment.

Chronically ill people are fighting for themselves EVERY DAY; even those with an episodic chronic illness that impacts their lives rarely and on occasion, they’re metaphorically and constantly walking on a tightrope, avoiding triggers, anxiously waiting for the next episode.

So next time you’re puzzled about how a chronically ill person is doing any particular activity or maybe you think that they’re only sick because they’re not trying hard enough… worry about yourself instead.

You don’t know their body, you are not in their body, you don’t know what it feels like, you DO NOT get to make that call.

Original Twitter Thread:
https://twitter.com/annieelainey/status/941392361216716800

toatimebefore:

thechiyodan:

thorduna:

rifa:

cecaeliawitch:

sari-y-fawr:

cisnowflake:

cecaeliawitch:

I firmly believe that unless the couple has discussed and agreed to marriage ahead of time, nobody has any business making a surprise public proposal.

Okay except some people want a surprise public proposal. 

Girl my husband took me to Spain and gave me a kinder egg on the beach, the ring was inside the capsule (Lord knows how he did that) if any feminist tried to take that away from me I may cut a bitch. Best surprise of my life.

I wish people were capable of analyzing larger social trends and figuring that a significant number of women end up getting pressured into engagements or marriages they don’t want bc the audience that comes along with a public proposal will think she’s a bitch if she says no – instead of thinking “i liked it when it happened to me, therefore it could never turn out badly for anyone, not ever!!!!”

I think what people are misunderstanding here is that agreeing to marriage ahead of time doesn’t need to be like, asking permission to propose? I surprised my now spouse with a proposal in Disneyland but before that we had several conversations about the future of our relationship, future plans for our retirements and how we’d have to get married eventually for immigration purposes. I didn’t go to her and say “so would you say yeah if I proposed?” or hash out deets ahead of time, but we had enough of a mutual understanding and communicated desire to get married that, although it was a surprise for when and how I proposed, it wasn’t out of left field at all.

This is exactly like conversations about consent, people get up in arms thinking that it means you have to have contracts and serious sit down conversations before doing anything when its REALLY EASY to simply COMMUNICATE with your partner so things like this are done properly, yeesh

“proposal can be a surprise, engagement shouldn’t be“ – saw that somewhere, thought it was the most accurate

not to mention op specifically stated that it was about communication, not “surprise proposals are toxic”

but hey any excuse to bash feminism amirite

Also I want to point out there is a key difference between surprise proposals and public proposals. A public proposal puts a lot of pressure on the person to say ‘yes’ as they are being watched by a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with proposing with few of no people around as then that person has time to think. I also want to add that if you don’t think the person proposing will be ok with you saying ‘I’ll think about it’ they probably aren’t the person for you.

bittersnurr:

theunitofcaring:

There’s a discussion on my dashboard about whether UBI is harmful because it promotes idleness, which is psychologically unhealthy. 

I do think that people vary, and that there are in fact lots of people who’d rather have a subsidized make-work job than a handout. I think it’s important to acknowledge that those people exist, because they’re not common among young progressive some-degree-of-anticapitalist tumblr users, and a discussion about idleness that either writes them all off as evil or pretends they don’t exist is going to be a less constructive one. I think that the reason this is so central to many peoples’ identify is because we have told them repeatedly that if they fail to provide for their family they have no other sources of value and affirmation, and that in the long run we should be offering other sources of value and affirmation, but in the meantime, their desire to provide for their family through work does matter, and policies which give them that opportunity are doing a good thing for them.

That said, I do not think that not having a paid job is soul-destroying or psychologically destructive or even unhealthy for most people, particularly not compared to actual real-world minimum wage jobs, and I don’t think that most people who say that have really thought about it. There are a lot of stay-at-home spouses, and I don’t tend to see opponents of idleness campaigning to make this unaffordable and untenable for the sake of saving those poor souls. There are rich people who just do whatever they feel like, and I’ve never seen the people who think the poor need to be saved from idleness argue that these rich people should be taxed into privation for their own good (or even that it would be good for their souls although it is poor overall economic incentives).

So, we clearly don’t think that idleness is always soul-destroying. But lots of people think that specifically the idleness of poor people would be soul-destroying. I think this is mostly just an error. Some people find value in work, and with a UBI they would largely choose to work. Some people find value even in stupid makework, but they’d probably find more value in real work, and there’d be plenty of real and needed jobs for them to do if they weren’t competing with people for whom those jobs are awful and torturous hells they are subjected to only because it’s slightly better than slowly starving. And most minimum-wage jobs are absolutely awful and soul-destroying! “More soul-destroying than a 12-hour shift being shouted at and forbidden from bathroom breaks” is a pretty high bar and it’d honestly be astonishing if idleness cleared it. 

I think a useful way of thinking about this is to imagine that tomorrow someone invented tiny, cheap robots that could produce food, water, electricity, shelter and wi-fi and cost $5, with $1/year in upkeep. 

Would lots of people buy one and quit their jobs? Yep. Would this make them worse off? I really really doubt it. I bet they’d spend more time with their loved ones; write their novels; recover from mental illnesses they’ve been fighting through for years, start a band, corner the Minecraft market, whatever interested them. I expect most of them would be made better off by their robot purchase. I expect that some would notice they were bored and go back to work, but I’d expect almost everybody who was better off working to notice this on their own, once they had both work and non-work to compare to. and it would astonish me if we were good at guessing in advance who would be worse off through a robot purchase. 

The biggest problem with UBI is that we don’t actually have those robots. And that’s legitimately a big deal. But it’s absurdly implausible to me that if we had those robots, most people who bought one would be worse off. And I feel like to some degree we’re putting the breaks on robot development (on efforts to make it as easy as possible to live extremely cheaply, and on private-sector privately funded UBI efforts which libertarians really shouldn’t be objecting to, and on efforts to spread the value ‘it’s good if people don’t have to choose between working and starving’, and to give poor people money when we want to make them better off) because we just don’t realize that, no, actually, most lives would be straightforwardly more fulfilling out from under the threat of starvation.

I feel like people who think this have never been in a position they legit CANNOT WORK for whatever reason forna long period of time.

Like if you can replace work with hobbies it’s one thing but it took all of like a year for me to feel worse about being unable to work when my previous job was so awful I was fired for refusing to walk 6 miles in 2’ of unplowed snow. I’d much rather have that job then be disabled but I don’t get to make that choice.

For every person who sits there drinking in front of the tv when they don’t have to work there is another person who is full on suicidal from boredom. I frequently injure myself because I need to do things or I lose my mind.

Also so many people who have degrees in “things that would move humanity forward” currently are working minimum wage retail and go home at night and collapse from exaustion. Prioritizing busy work over what is actually productive and healthy isn’t actually helpful and instead full on stagnating progress.

Autism Approaches Should Respect Children’s Emotions – Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. – Pediatric Psychologist – California

scarlet-titan:

jemthecrystalgem:

ink-and-daggers:

“The mainstream treatments for children and tots diagnosed with autism focused primarily on reinforcement schedules, with little attention to the child’s (or parents’) emotional life or internal world. These approaches considered emotions and relationships ancillary to the main goal of tracking readily observable behavioral tasks and goals.

While I saw utility in measuring observable progress, I became increasingly concerned about the practice of ignoring toddlers’ negative expressions of emotions (fussing, refusing, crying) to avoid reinforcing them. In my mental health training, these behaviors were important to understand, while in autism treatment they were often deemed as something to ignore in the service of extinguishing “non-preferred behaviors”. In other words, the mental health principles of emotional attunement that Dr. Bowlby and Dr. Brazelton espoused were not applied in autism treatment.”

“Treat humans like humans”

Thanks science!

Autistic people are often denied the most basic decency. 

Autism Approaches Should Respect Children’s Emotions – Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. – Pediatric Psychologist – California

teacher-tenor-trekkie-spy:

makingqueerhistory:

Queer kids are not allowed to be kids.

They aren’t allowed to get angry when people bully them because by reacting people believe they justify the abuse. They are forced to deal with adult situations often without support from any of the actual adults around them. When they look for leaders in their community they often find no one who is like them and are left with only scraps of representation in media to look to. And they don’t have the support system they deserve, the support system heterosexual/romantic cisgender kids are given without question. They are forced to hide parts of themselves from their family members and we pretend that it is normal. And if they decide to discuss that particular part of their identity it is picked apart and examined often before the kid even knows how to process it themselves. Their own identities is branded as “too adult” for them when it is not their identities that is too adult, but how we treat them once we are informed of these parts of their identities.

Queer kids deserve so much better than they are given. 

They are forced to hide parts of themselves from their family members and we pretend that it is normal.

kelpforestdweller:

iconuk01:

bogleech:

mysharona1987:

Like, you want janitors and McDonald fast food workers and cleaners.

You just don’t want them to make a liveable wage and have healthcare and be treated like proper human beings.  

People who work in an air conditioned office all day sincerely do believe that those jobs are both less important and not as exhausting.

My Dad’s simple rule was; “Don’t ever dare look down your nose at someone who is doing a job that you wouldn’t want to have to do”

or just like. don’t look down your nose at people? generally? people in underpaid and difficult jobs deserve respect, people who can’t work deserve respect, do you see where im going with this.

^^^

cptsdcarlosdevil:

articles about monitoring your kids’ online life are REALLY GROSS

would you sit in the corner of a mall and eavesdrop on all your kids’ conversations

Guessing that the same people wouldn’t have much problem with that idea, either. Other than related to convenience.

pervocracy:

I wish more parents could see how many asks I get that read something like this:

“I’m a teenager, and I have a very serious problem in my life.  I want to take mature and responsible steps to deal with this problem.  But my parents will totally freak out if they catch me.”

If you are not just not-helping, but actively standing in the way of your child helping themselves, because you’re so focused on whether they’re “good” that you completely forgot to care whether they’re safe or happy… stop that.  Please stop.

Please understand that you either have a mutually trusting relationship with your child, or you don’t.  You can’t demand their trust and extend none of your own.  You can’t say “you can tell me everything” and then punish them when they do.

Because of your shit attitude, your terrified fifteen-year-old is out there trying to deal with huge adult issues entirely on her own, is showing up alone and in secret to medical appointments or counseling or to report a sexual assault.  And that should shame you a fuck of a lot more than whether she’s texting with boys or not.

fucksocialskills:

This is getting on my fucking nerves, so I’m just going to say it here:

Adults who need high levels of support in daily living are not children. 

“Mental age” is a concept rooted in eugenics, and it doesn’t actually exist.

No one should be robbed of agency or dignity because of their need for support.

Oh, also, while we’re at it (since disability rights activism that doesn’t tackle age-related oppression is bullshit), kids deserve to be treated with respect too. Shouldn’t be a controversial statement, but it is.

Most people neglect to mention this, but if “being treated like a child” equates to “being robbed of agency and dignity,” there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way we treat children. 

some good consent phrases

thatdiabolicalfeminist:

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed, of course, but I’m really glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”

“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

Consent culture – it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met – remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and being refused consent is a healthier and safer person.