Not that surprised by now that ongoing circumstances have really got the OCD crap kicking into overdrive too. It doesn’t always take that much, and I was already pretty deep in a burnout.
Glad I do also have enough perspective by now, though, to step back from it a little and try not to engage with the looping bullshit. Or so I try to tell myself 🙄
OK, I am just about ready to say “fuck it, we’re getting delivery tonight”.
Standing up and busting my ass to put food together is not a reasonable expectation of myself today. Even if I didn’t also need to gimp out to the store after subpar pain relief.
I don’t need to put myself into more of a state by trying to push through and do that.
At this point, I would rather deal with the persistent scripts telling me that I’m lazy and (probably deliberately) making things harder on everyone else than keep pushing myself tonight.
OK, I really need to get down for a while and prop that leg up. But I’ve been avoiding it even more because I had maybe 4 hours of not great sleep earlier before pain (in that damned leg) got me up for good.
Really do not want to zonk out at 5 p.m., when that’s been enough of an issue on more sleep. But, I had better try for a while anyway, before I work on supper 😵
Not quite ready to say “fuck it, we can get delivery” and just have a nap if that wants to happen. But, it’s getting close.
I did get down, at least.
But, I’m also kind of irritated right now because I really do not feel up to dragging myself out to the store after something pressing.
(More ibuprofen, actually. Because I can maybe gimp to a store that sells that, and not an actual pharmacy when I am out of stronger behind the counter nonprescription stuff. With the leg waking me up, on top of the usual background garbage.)
And, if anything, his staying incommunicado has intensified.
I’ve mostly just not been attempting to message him, but sometimes I get desperate enough to try. Like “out of pain relief, getting woken up by pain”, yeah.
It’s hard not to feel like a selfish jerk, after finding out why he’s apparently not been keeping his phone charged. I also have (installed) actual scrupulosity issues around not wanting to inconvenience people by even asking for anything.
But, honestly? I’m having a hard enough time getting out after some basic items that this is causing me problems. These things do go multiple ways. I’m not necessarily a bad person for getting upset when I am having significant trouble getting some needs met.
He assured me before that it had nothing to do with my getting overly demanding, and that he didn’t mind stopping for things. He’s not prone to just lying or telling you what he thinks you want to hear, either. So, I’m guessing that is really not the main thing here. As much as the jerkbrain keeps insisting it must be. I don’t think it is some weird passive-aggressive number on his part. He really doesn’t seem to mind when I do manage to make “bread and cat food on the way home please!” type requests.
But, I cannot reasonably anticipate everything and also remember to ask him before he leaves in the morning. I’ve tried, and it just has not been working out well. Even if my executive function were better, you just can’t anticipate everything. It was already pretty hard to get some basic needs met, and this recent change has not helped my overall wellbeing.
Again, not looking for any type of advice. Just needing to vent some, and remind myself that needing to ask for more help doesn’t make you a terrible person who is lucky for whatever you do get. Including being tolerated at all.
I feel bad about the difficulties he seems to be having lately, but that also doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person for getting concerned about that making things harder on me. No matter how many times I got the message before that other people are dealing with Real Problems and I am making things much harder by even mentioning anything going wrong in my life.
(Also, things can be hard without anybody in particular being to blame 😧)
Yeah, some pretty PTSD-heavy stuff. No wonder I’ve been having some extra trouble coping, or even processing some things.
OK, I really need to get down for a while and prop that leg up. But I’ve been avoiding it even more because I had maybe 4 hours of not great sleep earlier before pain (in that damned leg) got me up for good.
Really do not want to zonk out at 5 p.m., when that’s been enough of an issue on more sleep. But, I had better try for a while anyway, before I work on supper 😵
Not quite ready to say “fuck it, we can get delivery” and just have a nap if that wants to happen. But, it’s getting close.
One ridiculous side effect of my legs skinnying up enough that my thighs don’t meet even sitting with my knees clamped together: dropping stuff!
As I was just reminded again, I had better not try to set anything smallish on my lap temporarily, or it’s liable to make a floor escape through the Lap Crack. Including paperbacks thinner than The Stand and my phone, often as not. One other favorite: scissors you want to use again very shortly!
Bonus: when it hurts to pick the crap back up out of the floor.
Yet I keep forgetting and automatically doing this anyway 🙄 Because of course I do.
Seriously though, the main reason I haven’t dyed my hair at all in over a year now is the level of hassle rinsing/ washing it out properly without staining everything has turned into around here. Between the lingering shoulder BS and the (yes continuing) shower thing.
Going to have to figure out some sort of workaround, short of getting a salon to do it, because jfc. I know getting some color in my hair would make me feel more like me.
(Not looking for suggestions, just venting!)
Just had to think again, after finding myself ranting about things that happened when I was in high school all these years later. And realizing again just how messed up some of my mother’s behavior and expectations really were sometimes.
Gee, maybe one contributing factor might be that I couldn’t talk about things that were bothering me at the time? Or really even safely express that things did bother me? So come back decades later, and some of this stuff still feels fresh whenever it’s brought to mind again.
And yes, that would be with too many years of the kind of forced/coerced therapy aimed at fixing you where you’re not really the client. (Some more earlier discussion of conflicts of interest there.) Making the whole thing at least 20x worse.
No damned wonder I had a lot of spectacular meltdowns for a while there, until I learned to turn them into shutdowns for my own protection. (Including to avoid getting locked up some more. That looked pretty crazy on its own, but at least being quieter about it is less likely to get you locked up IME. Definitely dealing with my mother.)
But yeah, this is another of those things where I’m not even primarily pissed off on my own behalf. Even though keeping dealing with delayed fallout isn’t much fun.
That basic situation is unfortunately far from unusual for people growing up. Especially ND/disabled people. And nobody should be placed in that sort of position. It’s very disturbing how often this does seem to happen.
Just ran across this while searching for something else. Ouch 😵
The survey also found 44% of respondents stayed at home because they feared abuse or harassment…
Two thirds felt depressed because of loneliness and over a third do not leave the house most days.
(Survey reveals half of autistic adults ‘abused by someone they regarded as a friend’. Actually, I initially ran across a thing with SBC using figures from that survey, but had to go looking for a non-SBC source. Got tired of searching before I could find anything on the actual NAS site.)
But yeah, we’re right back around to the “Enough in Atlanta” factor.
And most of the respondents there probably did not stand out in as many other ways. Can’t even figure out what exactly is setting these assholes off most of the time, but it really can be a problem.
(Popping into mind from another context: “cannot distinguish the racism from the homophobia from the sexism”. Throw in ableism to complicate things further.)
Anyway, probably not just imagining there is something not right there, or severely overreacting to minor stuff–along with almost half of people asked.
For me, it’s more likely to be that I am sick/in pain and low enough on spoons going out to begin with, and just do not have any to spare for dealing with totally unsolicited obnoxious behavior from randos. That has been a major deciding factor for just saying fuck it and staying home on so many occasions.
I still don’t feel like I can talk about that much, in case it gets interpreted as all “just” a mental health issue. Including being sick/in pain at all. (Not to dismiss what really are primarily anxiety-driven reasons. I’ve just had too many bad experiences in that direction when anxiety was really not the main problem.)
My partner does not seem big on that kind of approach, or I wouldn’t want to live with that. But, again, enough bad experiences–including with straight up victim blaming–that I would rather have most people think it’s just the physical disability stuff keeping me at home. It all gets frustrating.
I’m already just about done with living inside a dark wet refrigerator, and December isn’t even over yet.
Since my brain apparently just won’t let this go, a little more about that dig from my uncle that I talked around some a few days ago.
Relevant snippet from his message:
(Sounds pretty mild out of context, right? There’s plenty of not-so-nice context, however, and this is him trying hard to be pleasant dealing with me. Which actually makes it more exasperating, in a way.)
Almost the first thing my grandmother said, right in front of me, when my mother and I arrived at their house to move in after the split:
“I knew you were impossible to live with, but what did you do to make him leave?!”
(*proceed into histrionics with more insults along the same lines, until my grandfather yells at my mom some more for making her mother so upset*)
What my mother actually did, AFAICT: Get subjected to escalating abuse, run around on for years, and wiped out financially–and apparently feel like she had to put up with it until he left. But, she would also yell at him, and generally get baited into some iffy-looking responses in front of other people 😩
Why Bill wanted out, AFAICT: Whatever money they had was gone, the house was getting foreclosed on through his own doing, and he had a girlfriend set up to move in with.
I guess that is understandable, as to why he might be ready to leave. But, not in the way my uncle probably means.
How Bill handled it: Turned full-on “Divorce-Related Fetid Fathering Syndrome” stalker even though he was the one who left (with more details through the link; I don’t have the spoons to repeat right now). Link since the upload keeps choking when I try to add it properly: http://clatterbane.tumblr.com/post/53326481418/divorce-related-fetid-fathering-syndrome
See also: the last handful of reblogs here, which I decided to just bring back in case someone else might benefit. It was not a good situation at all.
By the time he took off, he was acting unhinged to the point that he had decided my grandfather and this uncle were both out to get him, AFAICT mostly because they were not accepting his bullshit. And he was threatening to kill them too, in front of me. In retrospect, it was probably lucky that he did take off rather than go on some kind of rampage.
They were not getting along very well at all, for years that I witnessed. I was there. And that was with people other than him trying to put on a good front and not make things harder on a kid who was stuck in the middle. I could still tell that they didn’t think much of his behavior, and no damned wonder. He started showing open contempt for people other than the Family Scapegoat. My uncle is hardly stupid. He noticed this and didn’t much like it.
Anyway, what my uncle said (and carefully left unsaid, knowing him) does not make any sense whatsoever outside the kind of terrible scapegoating family dynamics which produced “I knew you were impossible to live with, but what did you do to make him leave?!”
Everybody knows my mother was an impossible-to-live-with Crazy Bitch, and surely whatever bad behavior she wasn’t exaggerating/just making up she must have provoked in some way.
(Never mind the less slick abusive behavior you saw later, when Bill wasn’t even trying to get you on his side anymore. That can be safely edited out.)
That is also a neat setup if you’re behaving in abusive ways, and targeting said already scapegoated Crazy Bitch. Who basically married you to get out of a family situation like that in the first place.
Which is indeed kinda why I suspect she felt like she had to put up with abusive behavior in a marriage for that long.
Some unfortunately classic dynamics, yeah. Which I could only really start looking at more once I wasn’t buried in it all the time. And I was never the kind of family scapegoat she was, to bear the brunt.
It still makes me mad that my uncle is just continuing to echo this BS without any kind of critical thought. And that seems to extend to realizing he’s even doing it, as I commented more on before.
Not much is likely to change some behavior there. I realize this. I still have a right to get angry.
Including at that urge to minimize the whole earlier situation also kinda throwing me under the bus. As the other party in the middle most affected by some horrible behavior. That’s not even the main reason this went all over me the way it did, but it certainly didn’t help.
I’ve had more than enough of people trying to edit reality for others around them by now. That pisses me off Besides continuing to scapegoat a dead person, that’s probably what gets me the worst about this relatively small example of some fucked-up family dynamics.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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