@natalunasans – And not always with them 
(Depending on the situation, it probably helps if they’re not foreign, have some experience dealing with the system, and don’t also come across as unacceptably weird otherwise. Among just a few differential respect factors, besides class garbage etc. It’s just all so fucked up.)
Ridiculously disproportionate annoyance of the day: One small cat scratch right across a scar, which has decided to itch like mad in a trying to get infected kind of way š¬
It’s not quite halfway through November yet, and I am already so tired of being cold.
Tonight is looking to be fun. It’s around 3:30 in the afternoon, and some geniuses up the street are already out there setting off bottle rockets! š¬
(At least we don’t have a panicking dog to accommodate now, but Max pretty much got me trained to dread fireworks. Also, at least Diwali celebrations should be well over, instead of overlapping with the run-up to Bonfire Night this year.)
Iām trying not to flip out too much tonight, because thatās really not going to help anything. Much easier said than done, of course.
Not long before he went to bed, Mr. C decided to spring on me that heād gotten a tentative recruiting offer while he was on that Worldcon trip recentlyāand heās thinking of telling them heās interested. When I asked, turns out the company is in Amsterdam š³ He did add that he was going to say that he couldnāt start immediately, but that didnāt make me feel better about any of it.
I didnāt want to say anything I couldnāt take back right then, while I was that upset.
But, thereās just no fucking way that is going to work anytime in the foreseeable future. I really do want out of this place, but I am in absolutely no shape to even try to get my passport replaced. Iāve been practically housebound for coming up on a year now, just looking it up. And the health situation is not looking to improve anytime soon, as things stand; rather the reverse. With no obvious good way out. I also have some specific concerns about leaving the UK (or Ireland) with the pain situation as it is, but yeah.
Besides not necessarily wanting to move somewhere that neither of us has any ties and I have never even visited, just to get the hell out of Dodge.
I donāt need to get ranting about any of that more right now. I did tell him that Iām sorry Iāve been dead weight for a while now. He didnāt reply, and I can only hope it was because he didnāt know what to say. Really didnāt want to say much more after that.
Basically, I hope the whole damned thing is down to his not totally understanding the situation (and that weird style of denial), rather than not caring. Especially when I have barely been hanging on lately, and donāt really have any great options right now on my own.
Hopefully I can get settled down enough to be able to sleep before long. (Part of the reason for venting some.) But yeah, as uncomfortable as it makes me, particularly as the household dead weight now? I think I am just going to have to tell him no, thereās just no way I see that working at all.
Another case where no matter how many scrupulosity problems I have (or how carefully instilled in the past), I am really not the only one with a responsibility to avoid causing extra problems for the people around me. Itās not all on me. Thatās just not reasonable. And itās not like Iām purposely and maliciously sick, just to throw a wrench in other peopleās plans.
One of the main things that last photoset reminds me of, though, is that Iām stuck in this shithole and unlikely to go home to see anything like that in person again.
(Iām from a little farther up the Blue Ridge, but from here it looks like no difference. Have some distant family down there too, what a surprise.)
I try to focus on things that I do have more control over at this point, but yeah it still gets to me sometimes. Which I know wouldnāt even make much sense to people without the same kind of relationship to place.
I found out whatās apparently really been going on with that ankle BS, after getting maybe 2 hours of terrible sleep before it totally woke me up. Doesnāt seem to be at all my best guess before, though I donāt have the spoons to go into that right now. Also trying not to get myself more worked up thinking about it atm š
Itās dealt with the best I can for now, and Iām hoping that and the pain meds I had to get in will let me get a few hours more/hopefully better sleep. Also tried putting some extra padding over it, so with any luck that might help some too.
What really sucks, though, with trying to sleep on the ankle, is that I donāt have a lot of reasonable choice in positions thanks to some of the other longer term crap. Iām pretty much stuck wedging myself in one particular position, and canāt lie with the other side down or flat on my back without some pretty bad pain other places. Which leaves that ankle on the bottom, pressed into the bed. Rolling around too much trying to get pressure off that fucks up other existing problems, which was one of the reasons I had to just get up for a while this morning. Not just the pain flare in the ankle itself.
Another thing I doubt most people who have never dealt with similar personally would ever even consider on their own. As just one possible complication of adding even one more otherwise minor-looking new (hopefully) temporary injury or illness in on top of chronic conditions. That can be so much harder to deal with than if it werenāt interacting so badly with other existing issues. It may look like an overreaction to something relatively small, when sometimes itās just about the last straw in terms of coping ability.
(Having to remind myself of this too, yeah. Again. No wonder Iāve felt like total crap for days, all things considered. Definitely havenāt been imagining thereās a problem eitherāwhich has never happened in reality. But yeah, there is a real problem, and I honestly got kind of shaken again by how much I feel like I just need to try to ignore.)
Not relishing the idea of even gimping down to the corner shop later, but weāll have to see. Of course shit like this would have to happen when Iām on my own for about another week. But, I do really need to pick up a couple of things later, including some more ibuprofen. At least there is indeed a corner shop not far away.
By this point, I probably shouldnāt be surprised. But, I am still not sure how Tumblr managed to fuck up the mobile app even worse. This time by breaking the activity tab in several new and interesting ways.
(Iām also slightly confused, because that just changed for me earlier today. While the update Play Store is dated August 1. I supposedly also still have that update waiting? Even though I see it had somehow helpfully defaulted back to auto-update, which I had turned off before. Turned that off again, because jfc I am already tempted to try sideloading some previous version.)
Iām extremely stressed right now, when I really ought to try to get some sleep.
The rain lately really hasnāt helped matters, but this is our patio right now.
This has been a problem for at least a week, with nasty drain water from our kitchen and upstairsā coming up through the inspection cover thing back there. No clue exactly what might be wrong, but something is obviously blocked up. But, now itās covering half the patio.
(Which was a wreck even before that, but I really donāt have the spoons to deal with any of the floating debris right now. At least that may drown some of the weeds I have just not been able to deal with this year.)
Iām really not in the best state of mind right at the moment, after finally putting on some boots and dragging waterlogged planters out of the flooded part. My garbage body enjoyed that about as much as you might expect.
But, what has me extra stressed right now is that he said he was going to call the British Gas Home Care thing to send a plumber out, actually last Thursday or Friday. That hasnāt happened yet. And I canāt do it instead.
Now instead of taking care of that this weekend, heās heading off tomorrow toward Helsinki (via Stockholm) for Worldcon. Which runs through the 13th! So, over a week gone, all told.
The hotel has been booked since before Christmas and all, apparently. And I would feel like a complete jackass saying āNO, you are not going anywhere until this drain situation is dealt with. I am not staying here alone with a stanky flooded patio, to deal with any complaints about it too.ā Itās still so tempting, though.
Especially since this is not the only neglected issue around here that I am the one who is mostly even at home to deal with, day to day. This is just close to the last straw right now.
He canāt help having executive function problems too. I canāt blame him for that. But, some of the apparent priorities there drive me up the wall sometimes. Not going to rant more about that right now, but yeah it can cause some problems. Which he doesnāt mean to do, but also often doesnāt even seem to register that there is a problem.
Even, say, slogging through smelly standing drain water to get in and out of the house š©
(Another example of some of the stuff I have needed to vent about before, yeah. I am also frustrated again at the apparent denial that he even has any issues to work around, as long as he can get to work and pay bills on time. Limited spoons to keep on top of stuff is one thing, but some weird style of denial aināt gonna help.)
That’s one thing that actually keeps surprising me, dealing with my partner. He’s so much better with the “soft can’ts” than I am.
“Wait! Don’t do that, you’re going to hurt yourself!!!”
Yeah, I’m not so used to that being much of a consideration. Especially if it’s something that wouldn’t be a problem for someone with less shitty connective tissue, no history of certain injuries, etc.
It’s not just things as blatant as direct physical harm, of course, though that is one example that really has me going wtf whenever I think about it. Avoiding overload, rationing energy, and other “softer” considerations get treated as totally legit too.
I’ve kept feeling guiltier as the list of “soft can’ts” has grown, and still keep bracing myself for the snarking and sniping and concern trolling and pushing. Hasn’t happened yet. Even in the middle of burnouts, including lately.
That really should not be so unusual from people close to you, who are supposed to care.
It can be really hard to learn to recognize reasonable limits for yourself. But, no wonder, as much history as a lot of us have of the people around us pushing us into the burnout zone. And then acting amazed and disappointed when we sooner or later do crash spectacularly. Or get ourselves hurt in seemingly ridiculous/careless ways.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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