1. Buy a bottle of Koskenkorva, some HK-blue sausages, a batch of Karelian pies, and a container of mämmi.
2. Hike deep into the woods, so deep that you are surrounded only by silence, so deep that you know that you cannot be found by anyone.
3. Place your offerings on the root of an ancient tree or a great glacier boulder and plead for the old gods to bless you with the gift of the l a n g u a g e.
4. Väinämöinen himself will descend from the skies and fill your head with the knowledge of w o r d s.
5. As you lay on the forest floor in indescribable mix of agony and ecstasy, she will come. Lovetar, the mother of all evil, will crawl from the deep dark of the earth itself and whisper into your ear the powerful c u r s e w o r d s that should only be used during the most desperate circumstances of death, peril, or when sweden wins a hockey match against the Finnish team.
6. You have now been burdened and blessed with Finnish.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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