Tag: scrupulosity

clatterbane:

OK, I really need to get down for a while and prop that leg up. But I’ve been avoiding it even more because I had maybe 4 hours of not great sleep earlier before pain (in that damned leg) got me up for good.

Really do not want to zonk out at 5 p.m., when that’s been enough of an issue on more sleep. But, I had better try for a while anyway, before I work on supper 😵

Not quite ready to say “fuck it, we can get delivery” and just have a nap if that wants to happen. But, it’s getting close.

I did get down, at least.

But, I’m also kind of irritated right now because I really do not feel up to dragging myself out to the store after something pressing.

(More ibuprofen, actually. Because I can maybe gimp to a store that sells that, and not an actual pharmacy when I am out of stronger behind the counter nonprescription stuff. With the leg waking me up, on top of the usual background garbage.)

And, if anything, his staying incommunicado has intensified.

I’ve mostly just not been attempting to message him, but sometimes I get desperate enough to try. Like “out of pain relief, getting woken up by pain”, yeah.

It’s hard not to feel like a selfish jerk, after finding out why he’s apparently not been keeping his phone charged. I also have (installed) actual scrupulosity issues around not wanting to inconvenience people by even asking for anything.

But, honestly? I’m having a hard enough time getting out after some basic items that this is causing me problems. These things do go multiple ways. I’m not necessarily a bad person for getting upset when I am having significant trouble getting some needs met.

He assured me before that it had nothing to do with my getting overly demanding, and that he didn’t mind stopping for things. He’s not prone to just lying or telling you what he thinks you want to hear, either. So, I’m guessing that is really not the main thing here. As much as the jerkbrain keeps insisting it must be. I don’t think it is some weird passive-aggressive number on his part. He really doesn’t seem to mind when I do manage to make “bread and cat food on the way home please!” type requests.

But, I cannot reasonably anticipate everything and also remember to ask him before he leaves in the morning. I’ve tried, and it just has not been working out well. Even if my executive function were better, you just can’t anticipate everything. It was already pretty hard to get some basic needs met, and this recent change has not helped my overall wellbeing.

Again, not looking for any type of advice. Just needing to vent some, and remind myself that needing to ask for more help doesn’t make you a terrible person who is lucky for whatever you do get. Including being tolerated at all.

I feel bad about the difficulties he seems to be having lately, but that also doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person for getting concerned about that making things harder on me. No matter how many times I got the message before that other people are dealing with Real Problems and I am making things much harder by even mentioning anything going wrong in my life.

(Also, things can be hard without anybody in particular being to blame 😧)

Yeah, some pretty PTSD-heavy stuff. No wonder I’ve been having some extra trouble coping, or even processing some things.

moniquill:

rubyvroom:

Can I watch a great film knowing the actresses in it were terrorized and mistreated the entire time? Can I watch a football game knowing that the players are getting brain injuries right before my eyes? Can I listen to my favorite albums anymore knowing that the singers were all beating their wives in between studio sessions? Can I eat at the new fancy taco place knowing when the building that used to be there got bulldozed eight families got kicked out of their homes so they could be replaced with condos and a chain restaurant? Can I wear the affordable clothes I bought downtown that were probably assembled in a sweatshop with child labor? Can I eat quinoa?

Can I eat this burger? Can I drink this bottled water? Can I buy a car and drive to work because I’m sick of taking an hour each way on the subway? Whose bones do I stand on? Whose bones am I standing on right now? 

This is not for you.

ladydrace:

This is a post aimed at me and other people who constantly fall into guilt spirals over all the things they can’t do, and feel they should somehow magically be able to do anyway.

For me, and for the others, this is a gentle reminder:

– Posts asking for monetary donations are speaking to people who have money. Not your broke ass, still worrying how to buy food next month.

– Posts asking you to care about [extreme injustice of the day] are speaking to people who have energy to care. Not you, hanging onto your sanity by the fingernails. 

And, most importantly: posts telling you that you are horrible/cheap/awful/rude/unworthy/unlikable if you don’t pay/reblog/signal boost/care? Those posts can fucking die in a fire.

TL;DR: Posts asking for shit you are not physically or mentally able to give? 

THOSE POSTS ARE NOT FOR YOU. 

thatocdfeel:

the truth is even the kindest people will hurt someone, sometimes

we will hurt people we love, we will hurt people we hate, we will hurt ourselves. though we can try our best, we can never avoid 100% bad things

bad things happen, sometimes we cause bad things, that’s very painful to accept, but until you accept it you will most likely not learn how to cope with it or how to amend it

guilt is not a currency you can or have to pay in ordr to delete the things you have done that you are unhappy with

painful feelings will come, and they will go, but only if you let them! 

This is not for you.

ladydrace:

This is a post aimed at me and other people who constantly fall into guilt spirals over all the things they can’t do, and feel they should somehow magically be able to do anyway.

For me, and for the others, this is a gentle reminder:

– Posts asking for monetary donations are speaking to people who have money. Not your broke ass, still worrying how to buy food next month.

– Posts asking you to care about [extreme injustice of the day] are speaking to people who have energy to care. Not you, hanging onto your sanity by the fingernails. 

And, most importantly: posts telling you that you are horrible/cheap/awful/rude/unworthy/unlikable if you don’t pay/reblog/signal boost/care? Those posts can fucking die in a fire.

TL;DR: Posts asking for shit you are not physically or mentally able to give? 

THOSE POSTS ARE NOT FOR YOU. 

simonalkenmayer:

itsladykit:

theangriestlittleunicorn:

the-real-seebs:

the-rain-monster:

shrineart:

vampireapologist:

Honestly something that bothers me more than most things is having my compassion mistaken for naivety.

I know that another fish might eat this bullfrog right after I spend months rehabilitating it.

I know that turning a beetle back onto its legs won’t save it from falling over again when I walk away.

I know that there is no cosmic reward waiting for my soul based on how many worms I pick off a hot sidewalk to put into the mud, or how many times I’ve helped a a raccoon climb out of a too-deep trashcan. 

I know things suffer, and things struggle, and things die uselessly all day long. I’m young and idealistic, but I’m not literally a child. I would never judge another person for walking by an injured bird, for ignoring a worm, or for not really caring about the fate of a frog in a pond full of, y’know, plenty of other frogs.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But I cannot cannot cannot look at something struggling and ignore it if I may have the power to help.

There is so much bad stuff in this world so far beyond my control, that I take comfort in the smallest, most thankless tasks. It’s a relief to say “I can help you in this moment,” even though they don’t understand.

I don’t need a devil’s advocate to tell me another fish probably ate that frog when I let it go, or that the raccoon probably ended up trapped in another dumpster the next night.

I know!!!! I know!!!!!!! But today I had the power to help! So I did! And it made me happy!

So just leave me alone alright thank u!!!!

THIS.

I heard a story about this, a parable I guess.

There was a big storm and a ton of starfish were washed onto the beach, stranded much further up than they could get back and beginning to bake in the post-storm sunshine. A little girl was walking down the beach, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. Some guy comes up and asks her what she’s doing. “Saving the starfish,” she says.

He looks around at the huge beach and the hundreds of starfish, and says “You can’t possibly save them all. I’m afraid you’re not gonna make much of a difference.”

She throws another starfish back into the ocean, and replies “It made a difference to that one.”

Yeah, I mean, we know we can’t change all the things. But have you ever noticed how much better life is when you’re around people who change things when they can?

Kindness is a choice. Even if it’s small, it’s worth it.

This is what I’m talking about, when I say that kindness and compassion do not equate with ignorance, stupidity, or naivety. Being cynical does not make someone more intelligent or more worldly. 

Kindness is not weakness.

Kindness is brave. Especially when you also know that your kindness might not be returned, may even be met with anger or cruelty. It’s reaching out with an open hand, knowing that it’s just as likely to be bitten as it is to be held. 

Kindness is hard. If you can’t find it in yourself to be kind, then fine. But don’t make it more difficult for those that can.

Kindness is a discipline, a skill like anything else. Don’t think you can simply be nice the odd time and call yourself kind. Kind takes work, ethic, perseverance. It must be pursued even in the darkest of times. Mercy is for those who deserve it the least and vows are for the times when it is most difficult to withstand.

If you aren’t pursuing it every day, then you’re not kind. You’re occasionally nice. 

How do I know that the TERFs and the right wingers aren’t right, and that I’m just a fucked up man pretending to be a woman? What if I really am just a disgusting impostor, forcing myself into places and roles where I’m not wanted and don’t belong?

deathlygristly:

theunitofcaring:

Hey, hey, no. 

So, first thing, are they right about anything else? Like, seriously. If you’re trying to decide whether someone is right about an issue that’s close to your heart and emotional and hard to evaluate, you can ask “hmmm, is this person usually right, such that I have reason to think they approach issues in a way that gets them to the truth?”

Transphobes on the right think that God commits genocide against cities full of gays and that is why we shouldn’t be gay (and also that this morally okay of God). They often think that women are different from and inferior to men. They generally do not believe in bodily autonomy and like half of them don’t believe in marital rape. Many of them think that if you are allowed to pee in the women’s restroom, but not if you are not allowed to pee in the women’s restroom, you will lurk in bathrooms attacking children. If you ask them what the experience of a trans person is like – what is going on inside a trans person’s head, what the day-to-day experience of being trans is – you will get answers that are clearly, obviously ignorant. They don’t know. They are wrong. You should not expect them to be right about questions related to trans people, because you have never observed them to be right about a question related to trans people, or gender, or sexual ethics, or bodily autonomy. Your default expectation should be that they will get questions about trans people super wrong.

Transphobes on the left think that the only thing relevant to gender is what you were assigned at birth, and that all women were raised in the same way. They frequently assert wrong things about what trans people want, and they are remarkably bad at admitting mistakes when corrected on simple points of fact.They think that men are some kind of alien species, and often assert really wrong things about what it’s like to be a man or be in a close trusting intimate relationship with one. They are committed to a worldview where men are at war as a class with women. They are just as mistaken as the transphobes on the right when you ask them what the experience of a trans person is.

So, like, from a starting point it would be astonishing if the combination of these two groups of people were right about trans people. if you can’t evaluate their arguments on this, try looking at their arguments on everything else. 

Secondly, there are lots of people who benefit – lots and lots of people who benefit – from gender being a flexible concept we can explore, change, and opt in and out of. Nearly everyone I know is someone who has benefitted from this. I demand to live in a world where people can transition, where being a girl is something I can choose and can someday unchoose if I need to. I’m so glad that more and more places are acknowledging that and making that possible, and I am so indebted to the people who made it possible. Forcing your way into spaces that don’t want you? No. Spaces are starting to exist – because of you and because of other courageous women like you – which are better for people like you and people like me and countless other people who want to live with a concept of gender that’s inclusive and flexible and embraces transition. You are not imposing that concept of gender, you are just among the many, many people who thrive given that concept of gender, and because it makes people thrive it has seen a lot of uptake. 

When people say “I accept you”, they’re not saying “ugh, I have to let you in now”, they’re saying “like you, I have a concept of gender which has space for transition in it.” (Sometimes they’re just saying “I am confused but not a jerk”. But I want you to at least be aware of the existence of the ‘yes, that’s how gender works’ people.) And more often than you’d think, even if they are cis, they are actively better off with their concept of gender that has space for transition in it.

Thirdly, those people hate you. Why are you taking life advice from people who hate you? It won’t make them stop. Sometimes, you have to say “mmkay, you suck and I’m not going to give you a vote in how I live my life”. Sometimes you have to say that to family, or to a partner, or a formerly close friend, and that is incredibly hard and painful. But sometimes you just have to say it to jerks on the internet who don’t even understand anything about your life, and I hope in those cases it’s easier. Don’t give a vote on your self and your happiness to people who hate you. 

This is really good advice for dealing with the opinions of other people in general, like when my scrupulosity gets the best of me and it starts telling me that strangers on the internet who lack empathy and understanding are right and correct about the best way to be human, and I’m wrong and horrible for not agreeing with them.

We’re Not Lazy

cactus-spirit:

When you’re disabled, there are people who will assume you’re either lazy, stupid, or both. They’ll act like you meant for your life to end up this way. Like you were never anyone important who had plans or dreams or goals. They’ll assume you never wanted to be anyone because they think it’s easier to have a disability, as if it was a choice. Or maybe they assume you aren’t smart enough to do anything better with yourself. 

It’s hard enough to mourn what you’ve lost to your illness without people’s judgment.

So here’s to all the beautiful people with chronic illnesses who had big plans – who were going to finish school, who were going to travel the world, become athletes, have a meaningful career, raise a family… whatever your dreams were.

I’m sorry for the parts of your future that your illness took from you.