feathersescapism:

limitingwhimsy:

thedatingfeminist:

basically:

• it is not a virtue to not set boundaries
• ignoring your own wants and needs is not a healthy way to show love
• people worth loving will respect your boundaries
• people worth loving will not want you to set aside your own wants and needs to make them more comfortable
• ‘having no boundaries at all’ describes a person who is very hurt, not a person who is very virtuous
• suffering for others’ comfort is not how you be a good person, it is just how you become very hurt
• sometimes you need to make others uncomfortable in order to get your needs met
• your needs are more important than others’ comfort
• your comfort is equally important to others’ comfort
• making other people uncomfortable is not, in itself, ethically wrong or morally dubious

can i add a thing: 

what really helped me with boundaries is to realise that not having/showing them didn’t just hurt me, but also hurts my friends. and that interacting with someone that doesn’t state their boundaries is not at all ‘comfortable’ or ‘easy’. that’s a perspective that was so alien to me, i never realised other people might genuinely want to know about boundaries, and be genuinely distressed about overstepping them. but when i did, it really changed how i approached this!

‘my needs are more important than others’ comfort’ is absolutely true, but can be hard to embrace. but what about: ‘if i don’t state my needs, that makes interacting with me more difficult and hurtful’?
we don’t usually want people we care about to hurt for our sake. if we find out that they did, we’ll feel really bad and guilty, like we should have been able to prevent it by being more attentive. guilt ping-pong can happen. everybody gets to feel toxic. that’s not good!  

also, if i don’t state needs and wishes, i leave the onus of steering everything to the other. if they care about my needs and wishes, it is now their job to gently pave the way for me, to make me feel safe enough to express them, or, worst, to somehow guess them, and none of this is making it especially easy for them, on the contrary! 

it can be very hard and it’s okay that it’s hard. (like you’re not being “unfair” by being bad at stating boundaries forex.). but, basically, establishing boundaries and needs isn’t just good for me, but it’s good for both, and

in healthy relationships

will often make both equally more comfortable. sometimes it’s not ‘my needs vs. your discomfort’, sometimes it’s a win-win. 

I flat out cannot be relaxed around people who I cannot trust to maintain their own boundaries. NOTHING makes me more anxious and more stressed than the idea that someone might just….not indicate something is not okay with them. 

Because here is the thing: I know damn well this stuff does not go away. I know damn well that it builds up, slow and toxic and it TELLS. 

And to start with it’s horrifying to think that I’ve been inadvertently harming someone. And then just to follow up?

It WILL blow up in my face some day. I KNOW this. (As in, it has happened. Multiple times.)

I cannot read minds. I am less capable than your average person of catching Subtle Cues. (And they’re not good at it.)

So Hell. Yes. Figuring out your lines and making them known and backing them up will be a huge relief to anyone worth worrying about.