wildwolfinme:

dylanisastimmykid:

Honestly? The absolute worst part of autism would have to be that getting better looks like getting worse. Let me explain. There is no recovery with autism. It’s just part of you, that’s all. But neurotypicals and society at large force autistic people to try and fit in as much as possible. Don’t stim, don’t use echolalia, speak how we want you to, etc. etc. The way that you grow as an autistic person and avoid depression and anxiety and other negative side effects of autism is by giving those expectations the finger and being your true autistic self. But…this becomes a predicament. The people around you see you stimming more, speaking less, using echolalia more, whatever it may be, and they think you’re getting “worse.”

I’m gonna use myself as an example.

I’ve always appeared more neurotypical than many autistic people because that’s what I was forced to do growing up. I got really depressed and suicidal. I never let my autistic behaviors out and I got depressed. Holding in your autism, your true personality, will do that. Then, I started stimming more. Some stimming at school, a little stimming in public, lots of stimming by myself. I started to let myself avoid eye contact and be okay with that. I got less depressed. I got less suicidal. But, now I was visibly autistic, and therefore it looked to everyone else like my mental health must be getting worse. But it wasn’t. Those things that looked like me getting worse were actually me getting better and being myself.

The reason this is on my mind is that I’ve kind of reached a plateau in my recovery from the bad stuff in that now that I’ve had a taste of what being my true autistic self is like, I want it all. I’ve been stimming in front of people, but that’s starting to not be enough. I want to talk how I need to, I want to do my verbal stims, I want full body stims, not just my hands, but that’s another big step that’s gonna look like I’m getting worse and that, more than anything, is gonna get me a lot of judgement. Fidgety hands and mild bouncing aren’t tooooo weird or noticeable. Vocal stims, stomping, walking on the balls of my feet, being semi verbal, all that stuff…that’s what I need. That’s what I need to feel comfortable. But, the more autistic you appear, the “sicker” everybody thinks you are, when really, that’s what’s healthy for autistic people.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I just want to exist as my true autistic self without fear of judgement. More specifically, without causing people concern or even having people notice.

This really hit home with me because I know how this feels more then I care to admit. Through out my day I will do things like mutter to my self, groan, clap/slap my hands together or against other body parts, snap and crack my fingers, there are allot of things I do to center my self through the day an maintain my focus that allot of people see as odd, quirky, or abnormal behaviour.
Two things that are often viewed as negative by others and a sign that my health is declining it my tendency to lace my fingers together on the back of my head and covering my face from both sides with my arms, I’ll look to the floor, close my eyes and start taking deep breaths trying to refocus. When I’m feeling worse I’ll do the same thing but I seek out a secluded spot out of site from others (at work it’s usually between the two freezers that create a blind spot in the kitchen) and cover my face but I’ll also crouch to the floor or even sit an an almost fetal position, at the times I’m doing this I also mutter to my self and jerk around like I’m trying to physically shake the stress and negative feelings off.

When ever I get caught doing those things I’m usually asked why I’m tired or hungry and reminded there’s only a few hours left to the day which leads to me being stressed and angry because I’m not tired or hungry, I’m just out of focus and need to stimulate my self in a way that’s bringing me back to center.