thetigerisariver:

nettlefae:

One of the hardest things about being a trans man was coming
to terms with the fact that I’m unlikely to ever pass as male. Even after 4+
years on hormones, with a crop of chest hair that will soon rival your hairy
uncle’s, I’m still consistently misgendered by strangers. It’s something that trans
male support spaces never acknowledge, because no one wants to start HRT if
they’re afraid they’ll end up… like me. It’s also not acknowledged in activist
spaces, because trans men who continue to experience misogyny are an
inconvenient snag in the anti-TERF discourse that says identity is everything. However,
I’ve found a lot of support from trans feminine people who also think we need
to deal better with nuance! Trans inclusive feminist is strong enough to cope
with our messy lived experiences, and it needs to do so if it wants to survive!

For a long time I just shut up and dealt with this alone. I was afraid to post
about my experiences on Tumblr because things can get nasty when you get called
out for bucking dominant social justice narratives. I certainly wanted to be aware of my
privilege! Maybe I just needed to shut up, to listen. So I did. And eventually,
I learned that the popular narratives are just too simplified to be useful for
folks like me. My existence is too messy, too complicated, and so I’ve been erased. This isn’t ok.

Sometimes I tried to talk about my problems it in trans
spaces, but trans men by and large don’t have the tools to talk about the
psychological effects of not passing. We don’t teach each other these skills because it requires us to confront extra layers of internalized transphobia. Instead, I just got unsolicited passing
tips and instructions to just “wait a bit longer.” Eventually, after years of
transition, I was too ashamed to show up to trans spaces and admit how long I
had been transitioning. It caused me a lot of pain and isolation. It still
does. Feeling excluded from cis society, feeling shoved under the rug in trans
spaces like a “failed” trans man, having my perspective erased in community discourse. And all the while, I navigate public space knowing that people
see me as a “woman” with obvious male secondary sex characteristics. Even with
my various other privileges, it limits my ability to travel and to participate
in public life.

So here’s a bunch of tips based on my experiences. It’s geared toward 1)
transmasculine people who don’t “pass” and 2) cis people and “passing” trans
men. (I’m not addressing transfeminine people mainly because I’ve not had major
problems with transfeminine people re: this stuff, plus it would be kind of
fucked up to ask them to do emotional labor for trans men when they are already dealing with an intensified version of this problem themselves.) Some of this is
applicable to AFAB nonbinary folks generally, but I’m focusing on my own
experience as a (nonbinary) trans man because I have never seen this issue
talked about from that perspective.

**Also, disclaimer! I know the word “passing” is
problematic. Not only does it have connotations of deception, but it also implies
that people like me are “failing.” I’m aware of this.**

So my words to trans men and transmasculine folks in similar situations:

• Not every trans man will pass after a certain
  amount of time on T.
• This does not have to be the life-ruining nightmare
  you think it is. I promise. You can have a job, you can make friends, you can
  learn to look strangers in the eye, and it will become easier to deal with
  misgendering over time. Various other life circumstances and intersecting
  oppressions will affect this, of course, but please don’t underestimate your
  ability to deal with this particular problem! You deserve better.  
• Despite the obvious drawbacks, there are some pros
  to not passing! Even if you really
  didn’t want to end up this way, it’s still freeing to realize that this is your
  life now. You don’t have to wait for some distant post-transition day to start
  doing the things you want to do, such as dating or making new friends.
• Other pros: It means you never have to worry
  about disclosing to your friends. It also makes it really easy for other trans
  folks to recognize you, which can be great for building community. Plus, a
  recognition nod on the train is sometimes really reassuring.
• You may end up passing in the end! Maybe you can’t
  let go of that hope, and that’s ok.
• Don’t get too hung up on Tumblr discourse, most
  of which is oversimplified and unnecessarily polarized. Don’t let people, especially cis people, tell you that you
  are not experiencing shit that you are Measurably Definitely Experiencing, such
  as sexist harassment.
• At the same time, pay attention to the ways in
  which your life is getting easier. For example, compared to when I presented as
  a femme woman, (or even a pre-T gender nonconforming person,) I’ve noticed that
  people perceive me as more confident—and therefore take me more seriously—just
  because my voice is lower. I’ve also stopped experiencing sexual harassment
  entirely.*
• While male privilege has a lot to do with how
  people see and treat you, don’t forget about the psychological impact of
  identifying as male, and how that affects your experience. It was easier for me
  to go through transition knowing that people perceived me as transitioning into
  strength, assertiveness, etc. Trans women don’t have this. On the other hand, don’t let people gaslight you into believing that this psychological impact is the same as the privilege cis men experience.
• And—this should go without saying—work on being
  a better ally to trans women. Though trans men experience violence at higher
  rates than cis people of either gender, trans women experience more. LOTS of
  trans women have experience with this not passing thing, too! Trans men and
  trans women can have strong friendships and learn from each other.
• Also do as much as you can, learn about
  other intersections of privilege and oppression. Race matters, class matters.
  Listen when you are called out.

Advice for cis folks and “passing”
trans men:

• Do not give unsolicited passing tips. A trans
  man talking about his feelings re: passing is not necessarily looking for tips
  on how to change his appearance!
• Try not to make assumptions about how long
  someone’s been out as trans based on how well they pass.
• Be careful with narratives that assume all trans
  men can be read as male with HRT. Bodies don’t react to testosterone the same
  way. Older trans people exist, as do people who can’t tolerate long-term HRT
  for health reasons.
• Related to #1: Don’t assume that being visibly
  trans either is a 1) temporary or 2) desired situation for trans men.
• Do not deny the lived experiences of non-passing
  trans men in order to win an argument. It’s simpler and easier to argue that trans men are men and men have male privilege, period, but it’s not
  entirely true. Flawed logic like this does little to further trans rights in the long run.
• Related to the above: don’t assume that trans
  men and trans women’s experiences are opposite. Trans women have male privilege
  violently stripped away from them when they come out as trans, and frequently
  experience shame and marginalization before that. This does not mean that trans men never internalize misogyny, or that we
  stop experiencing it the minute we come out as male. The patriarchy is more
  interested in keeping people out of privileged positions than it is in welcome
  people into them.

This is a post I would appreciate people
sharing, because even though I’ve been out as trans for over 5 years, I still
haven’t been able to connect with many trans men of similar experience. I’d
love to make those connections, even online. I know this is not a common
outcome of medical transition, but people like us don’t need to be shoved to
the background or made to feel ashamed. We deserve to have our voices heard.

I’m also interested in feedback from folks who have points to add or points of criticism. Like I said, I’ve been isolated in my ability to talk about this, so I’m sure my thoughts are not perfect. However, I won’t engage with personal attacks, especially not from cis folks.

*Note: this gets into the “masculine privilege” argument
that is another Tumblr mess. While I think masculinity is privileged, gender
nonconformity definitely isn’t, so you can’t neatly apply these concepts to
people who are read as women. But that doesn’t mean you can’t notice and speak
about patterns. Your contributions to this can be valuable.

Ohh, this is really well written, op! It also makes me sad how we fail each other and fail people in our communities, when they fall outside the well-beaten road 😦