Every Fucking Spring; Weather service ‘puts out flood warnings’
People Living Right Next To The Goddamn Mississippi, Apparently Forgetting This Same Thing Happening Last Year And The Year Before And Every Goddamn Year; “WHAT the river is in my LIVING ROOM?!?!?!?!? HOW GOVERNMENT DO SOMETHING HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN.”
Me, Sitting On My Actual Hill With Geological Survey Map: “You dumb motherfuckers realize that the Mississippi has flooded every spring since approximately the last Ice Age and you literally built your suburb on the flood plain as demonstrated right here on this topographic chart.”
People Living Right Next To The Goddamned Mississippi; “BUT I’M HERE NOW TELL IT TO STOP.”
Me; “…That…may prove difficult. Why don’t you just move?”
People Whose Living Room Is Currently Home To Mississippi Flathead Catfish; “We can’t do that we love it here.”
Me; “……”
Mississippi River; (Quietly cackling to itself)
Much like fire season in Southern California.
OH MY GOD I was just discussing this with my wildlife biologist sister, who did a bunch of research projects out there.
Like
The West has experienced wildfires every year for literally the last 100,000 years, and much like the prairies the ecology of the region has literally come to depend on being burned off every few decades, BUT NO YOU GO BuILD YOUR $5 MILLION MANSIONS THERE AND THEN COMPLAIN WHEN EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IS ON FIRE
Can the people next to the river just like… build their house on stilts?
Some do. Generally, the people who have lived here for generations, including a few local families descended from native tribes who’ve lived in the area for, like, the last several thousand years.
They like to sit on their front porches with a fishing pole and fish in their sometimes-front-lawn-sometimes-river and judge the dumb idiots futilely trying to sandbag around their brand new addition while already standing in 3 feet of water as much as I do.
People make fun of them for being ‘hillbillies’ until their car is floating down the river and there’s river mud caked an inch thick on all their walls and Who’s Laughing Now Steve.
Every. Goddamn. Year.
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