bunnika:

snakedance:

snakedance:

While surfing the net one day, I came across an article on a pop-culture magazine site that made me screech to a halt.  “Eight Signs A Woman Wants You”, the headline blared, promising to “clear up the confusion.”  As I read it, I grew more and more horrified, because six out of those eight “signs” are things that women with #Asperger’s Syndrome may do, for reasons that have nothing to do with sexuality at all.

This article is all over the net – just Google the title and you’ll find a page full of hits, all repeating the same article.  Bear in mind that this article is the sort of thing that teens and young men take as gospel truth (later in life, they learn that it’s pretty inaccurate with neurotypical women as well 😛 )  So if young men are being told that these “signs” are guaranteed indicators of attraction, this is a HUGE red flag that may help to explain why so many women on the spectrum are at risk of sexual assault.

Let’s take a look at these “signs.”

“1. She’s primping. …if she’s doing things such as smoothing her blouse, playing with her hair or adjusting her posture, she’s into you.”

Stims and sensitivity issues are common traits of Asperger’s Syndrome.  A woman with AS may twirl or touch her hair as a stim or it may be a perseveration, she could be doing it out of nervousness (as I do.)  She may be adjusting her clothes because they’re uncomfortable, perhaps itching or binding somewhere.  She may fidget because her seat is uncomfortable, or because she has nervous energy to expend.

“3. Her lower body likes you. …If she’s sitting with her legs crossed and her top leg is slightly swinging, she’s attracted.”

This one hits close to home:  When I cross my legs, my top foot twirls.  I hadn’t even noticed that I do it until someone pointed it out to me once.  It happens regardless of where I am or who I’m with – on the bus, at the doctor’s office, in a board meeting, with a friend.. if my legs are crossed, my foot is twirling. Crossing my legs is comfortable for me, so it happens often. 

“4.  Her language style matches yours. …If a woman repeats your phrases or uses words similar to yours, she’s flirting.”

Another one that hits close to home.  Women with AS often learn to survive by mimicking others in an effort to fit in. By the time we’re adult, it can be automatic and quite unconscious for us to start to match our words with those we’re conversing with.  This isn’t attraction; this is a social survival mechanism that’s employed with women as well as men.

“5. She talks funny  ….When flirting, women will speak in a higher pitch and use more  ‘I’ and less ‘we’ in their speech.”

Now there’s a nicely subjective one – exactly how does one define “talking funny”?  Women with AS tend to have rather soft, monotone voices, but their voices may rise and fall in pitch quite a lot, especially if they’re policing themselves (having been criticized all our lives for speaking in flat, monotone voices *flail* )  Women with AS tend to talk about ‘I’ rather a lot – that’s why Autism is called Autism, from ‘auto-’ meaning ‘self.’

“6. She asks questions  …If she’s asking questions, she’s invested in your conversation.”

Not necessarily.  Many women with AS are not naturally good at conversation.  We also tend to get a lot of flak for talking about ourselves too much :3  So when a woman with AS doesn’t know what to talk about, she will ask questions to get the other person talking.  We also tend to be very interest-focused, so we will ask questions to try to find a common interest that might give us a topic for conversation.  She may not be invested in your conversation; she may just be trying to be polite.

“7. She thinks deeply.  …Ask an open-ended question such as, ‘If you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be and why?’ about 10 minutes into the conversation.  The depth of her answer is going to be a good gauge of how into you she is.”

Another one that hits reeeeeally close to home.  You just asked a question that triggers a natural Aspie response.  Any woman with AS who has an interest in a particular place, is going to answer that question with full-blown Aspie Babble.  And she’ll answer that way because you just twigged one of her interests, not because she’s into you.

“8. She’s into your touch.  …Try “accidentally” touching the back of her hand or let your foot brush up against her foot.”

And here’s where the big problems start.  While some women with AS have very active hands and touch a lot to explore their world, others (like me) are very touchy about being touched.  I’m extremely huggy with my close friends, but find the touch of other people very very invasive (weddings and funerals, occasions where I have to hug strangers, are nightmares.  Not only am I wigging out, but I have to pretend that I’m happy about it!) 

I found three other “signs” that aren’t part of this list, but are part of other, similar articles.  All deal with eye contact:  “If she meets your eyes for a moment then her gaze flicks away, she’s into you.”  “If her eyes go all over your face, she’s into you.”  “If she gazes steadily into your eyes, she’s into you.”

Except…… Women with AS often have eye contact issues.  We either don’t do enough, or we overcompensate (having been taught that people will think we’re liars if we don’t look at them) and do too much (my famous Baleful Stare.)  People with AS don’t blink as often as neurotypical people do, so our gaze is particularly intense when focused.  And if we’re not feeling fully secure, our gaze may flick away after the initial acknowledgement.  Some women with AS (such as me when I’m having an off day) will compromise by gazing at other parts of the face – that avoids the intensity of the eyes, while still looking at the person. None of these are guaranteed signs that she’s attracted.

So, here’s our lad, talking up our Aspie girl at the cafeteria.  She’s nervous, because small talk isn’t her forte and she doesn’t want to say something the wrong way (as she has so many times before), so she’s twirling her hair and jiggling her foot since these are socially acceptable stims.  The tag on her shirt itches so she’s a bit fidgetty.   Wanting to be polite and not dominate the conversation so much, she asks him some questions about his hobbies and interests, looking for some common ground to talk about.  As our lad talks, she listens, nodding to encourage him to keep talking, because the more he talks, the less she has to, lessening the  worry about putting her foot in her mouth.  As he talks, she maintains eye contact, then realizes she’s staring again, so tries to break it up by looking at other parts of his face.

Our lad is impressed by her demure manner and instant understanding of him, and having read a few articles online, asks our Aspie girl where she would go, if she had the money to travel right now, and why would she go there?  As it happens, our girl loves anime and is deeply intrigued by Japanese culture.  So she starts talking about Japan and the history and some of the places she’d like to visit and things she’d like to do there. As she talks, she starts to relax and her hands become more animated.  Then she realizes that her voice (which always sounds fine to her!) has gone flat again, so she consciously tries to vary her pitch and put some ‘life’ in it.  She’d picked up some of our lad’s gamer jargon while she was listening to him, and she tosses that in there because that shows that she was paying attention. Oh right, and smile, because smiling is friendly.

By now our lad feels this Aspie girl gets him and is totally into him, so he tries to touch her and she reels back in shock, leans away and looks nervous, then her face goes blank, as blank as Buster Keaton’s.  He’s puzzled, then hurt, then he feels angry.  He’s thinking “What?  I thought she was into me, why’d she do that?  What kind of cocktease is she?”

She’s thinking “Why did he do that?  Why did he try to touch me?  Why is he looking at me like that?  Now he looks upset.  Did I do something wrong?  I was just trying to be nice!  What do I do now?”  Shortly after, she finds an excuse to leave.

Our poor lad, who’s had his ego crushed by the cold-hearted evil Aspie girl, tells his friends what a cocktease she is, playing hard to get like that.  “Yeah, yeah!” they say, “What a bitch!  Someone should teach her a lesson!”

Our poor Aspie girl, who’s had the dickens scared out of her by the predatory guy she was just trying to be polite to, asks her friends what the heck happened back there.  They say “What did you think would happen? You were totally leading him on!” “No I wasn’t,” she protests, “I was just trying to be nice!”

(nb, yes, #2 on the list is missing. It dealt with the dilation of pupils.  Since I can’t see my own pupils when talking to someone, I can’t say for sure if that’s a homonym or not.)

Since my esteemed colleague lynnesoraya referenced this post in her recent Psychology Today article, I’m reblogging it today.

This is important. Autistic people can have unique methods of communicating and body language that make these “typical” methods of interpreting such things (which are usually bullshit anyway) ableist and awful.

But regardless, autistic or allistic,

#8 IS HORRIBLE.

Autism is one of a number of issues that might make someone shrink from touch. If I am in any way triggered (PTSD from rape) I will absolutely react horribly from touch. Sometimes the touch itself is a trigger. Never touch another person without their permission.

I am a huggy person, even with all my issues. But I always ask a person if they are the same, if it’s okay if I give them a hug, touch their shoulder, etc. before making such a gesture. Because another person’s body is not your property. You have no right to touch it.