justanotherautisticperson:

elbyjunk:

sonneillonv:

bonehandledknife:

survivablyso:

bonehandledknife:

lierdumoa:

If a neurotypical asks you, “What game are you playing?” they’re not asking you to describe the game.

They’re asking you if they can play too.

If a neurotypical asks you, “What are you watching?” they’re not asking you to explain the plot of the movie/tv show to them.

They’re asking if they can watch it with you.

.

When neurotypicals ask you “What are you doing?” 

• What you think they’re asking: “Please explain to me what you are doing.” 
• What they’re actually asking:  “Can I join you?”

Now here’s the really fucked up part. If you start explaining to them what you’re doing? They will interpret that as a rejection. 

• What you think you’re saying: [the answer to their question]
• What they think you’re saying: This is an elite and exclusive activity for a level 5 friend and you are a level 1 acquaintance. You are not qualified to join me because you don’t know all this stuff. Go away.

.

This is why neurotypicals think you’re being cold and antisocial.

IT’S ALL A HORRIBLE MISCOMMUNICATION.

I didn’t realize, even thought it took me almost three decades to learn this, that this was such a paradigm changing realization until we had our conversation today.

But it really really is. One of the most bewildering realizations I’ve had is most people don’t talk to learn things unless its related to work or directly towards their own hobbies, all the words and questions are bonding questions if done socially. They are “lets make friends” questions.

So if I answer their question without an opportunity for the person asking the question to give a response or to join in somehow, the asker feels alienated and starts shutting down.

Example: what are you reading?

True answer but not what they’re looking for: Title of book

Best answer for social scenarios where I want to retain/create friendship: This book is about x and y but it has z that i know u have an interest in too.

Example: what are you doing?

True answer but not: drawing

Best answer for friends: I’m drawing but would u like company while I’m working?

And sometimes frankly I’m not in a headspace where I can process people so the answer is something like, “I would like to do something in a day or later, do you want to plan something?”

Tldr: communication is wierd

HOLY

SHIT

that explains so fucking much thank you

(why the fuck do neurotypicals never just day what they mean ie hey this show looks cool mind if I join you)

Further annoying?

They don’t realize that’s what they’re asking and they just feel rejected and go away. So you can’t even ask them what you did wrong because they can’t even put a finger on why they feel the way they do they just know you made them feel bad for some undefined reason.

I think it has to do, at least partially, with this.

There’s a whole lot of Guess Culture, at least in the US where I live, so that’s what I’m going to talk about.  What these people are doing is testing to see if you will offer them an invitation by expressing their interest in a roundabout way, because to their perception, just ASKING to join you is rude and invasive.  The math goes like this:

– If I ask you if I can join you to watch this TV show, and you don’t want me to, and you say “No, I don’t want you to join me”, then you look like an unfriendly ass.

– If you don’t want to look like an ass, because courtesy is so often performative, you would instead grit your teeth and say “Sure, of course I don’t mind” even though you do.  Now I’ve got what I want – I’m watching the show – but you’re not happy because your private enjoyment has been infringed upon.

– I have now placed social pressure on you to do what I want you to do.  You couldn’t REALLY say no because that would have resulted in social consequences.

– Therefore, instead of asking, I will merely express interest and gauge your response.  This saves us both some embarrassment because you can show me you’re not interested without directly rejecting me as a person, and I can salve my pride a little by attributing your rejection to other things – maybe you were just tired, or cranky, or distracted.  I’m still disappointed, but this hasn’t become a confrontation.

That’s basically how this social junk works out, and it’s why a whole lot of people don’t just say what they mean, or ask for what they need – they perceive that doing so is a form of social coercion.  In other words, they’re trying to be nice and respect your boundaries, but because you didn’t set those boundaries to begin with, the two of you are just missing each other entirely in this conversation.

Exactly. It has little to do with neurotypical or neurodivergent, and everything to do with culture clash. 

If it were ok to say No, then Asking Culture would be more prevalent. 

Since it largely isn’t without “looking like an ass,” and being treated accordingly, then a lot of people conform to Guess Culture.  Especially here in the United States. 

It’s just that Guess Culture is more socially taxing and subtle, and neurodivergents have a more difficult time with it. Surprise! It’s almost like complex social structures are their Achilles Heel.

My family comes from Asking Culture, and it took me forever to conform to Guess Culture. It’s not cuz I’m “autistic,” thanks. I could go more into why I believe, personally, that Guess Culture needs dismantling, but that’s a soap box for another time.

This makes quite a bit of sense. Personally, I haven’t experienced this much although it might just be because I’m from Australia and not the US and Guess Culture might not be as prevalent here. That or my tendency to take things literally means I never pick up on it in the first place. I find that it’s less of a social error (with my neurotypical friends anyway) to say “hey mind if I join you?” if I want to do something with the other person. On the other hand though I was taught that it was impolite to invite yourself to join someone’s activity or to invite yourself over to their house so yeah basically communication is just really weird.