notyourexrotic:

perfectlycrazydragon:

notyourexrotic:

perfectlycrazydragon:

notyourexrotic:

bonehandledknife:

survivablyso:

bonehandledknife:

lierdumoa:

If a neurotypical asks you, “What game are you playing?” they’re not asking you to describe the game.

They’re asking you if they can play too.

If a neurotypical asks you, “What are you watching?” they’re not asking you to explain the plot of the movie/tv show to them.

They’re asking if they can watch it with you.

.

When neurotypicals ask you “What are you doing?” 

• What you think they’re asking: “Please explain to me what you are doing.” 
• What they’re actually asking:  “Can I join you?”

Now here’s the really fucked up part. If you start explaining to them what you’re doing? They will interpret that as a rejection. 

• What you think you’re saying: [the answer to their question]
• What they think you’re saying: This is an elite and exclusive activity for a level 5 friend and you are a level 1 acquaintance. You are not qualified to join me because you don’t know all this stuff. Go away.

.

This is why neurotypicals think you’re being cold and antisocial.

IT’S ALL A HORRIBLE MISCOMMUNICATION.

I didn’t realize, even thought it took me almost three decades to learn this, that this was such a paradigm changing realization until we had our conversation today.

But it really really is. One of the most bewildering realizations I’ve had is most people don’t talk to learn things unless its related to work or directly towards their own hobbies, all the words and questions are bonding questions if done socially. They are “lets make friends” questions.

So if I answer their question without an opportunity for the person asking the question to give a response or to join in somehow, the asker feels alienated and starts shutting down.

Example: what are you reading?

True answer but not what they’re looking for: Title of book

Best answer for social scenarios where I want to retain/create friendship: This book is about x and y but it has z that i know u have an interest in too.

Example: what are you doing?

True answer but not: drawing

Best answer for friends: I’m drawing but would u like company while I’m working?

And sometimes frankly I’m not in a headspace where I can process people so the answer is something like, “I would like to do something in a day or later, do you want to plan something?”

Tldr: communication is wierd

HOLY

SHIT

that explains so fucking much thank you

(why the fuck do neurotypicals never just day what they mean ie hey this show looks cool mind if I join you)

Further annoying?

They don’t realize that’s what they’re asking and they just feel rejected and go away. So you can’t even ask them what you did wrong because they can’t even put a finger on why they feel the way they do they just know you made them feel bad for some undefined reason.

They don’t want to impose or be a burden.

@notyourexrotic:

Okay…but…like…

Expecting me to have telepathy?

That is way more of being an imposing burden then just…. you know…asking if you can join.   

Well sure, I’m not justifying the response by any means. But it is a reason some people have (especially those dealing with social anxiety or who have had trauma from being excluded).

@notyourexrotic

But the one sure-fire way to be rejected is to never ask though…

I’ll contribute as someone who does have this level of social anxiety on occasion and who sometimes does what y’all are complaining about.

I have been told, many many times, that the sheer act of asking is a burden. Mostly it’s because I’m an Obvious Minority and thus My Existence Is A Burden (yaaaaay childhood racism -_-;;), but the sheer fact that I might want to join in on things is shock! horror! UNTHINKABLE

Also there’s the whole Ask Culture vs Guess Culture thing, which is basically at the heart of this post. I grew up in hardcore Guess Culture – you try to avoid asking anything outright, you have to infer and read between the lines a lot. Which is extremely frustrating even without the added complication of “and people who are obnoxious like you just by virtue of existing should never even ask at all”. If at any point you may be an imposition, you try to avoid it wherever possible – you wait for an invitation, rather than ask for one.

Between the Guess Culture thing and the whole “don’t even bother asking nobody likes you” thing, even asking for things like “can I join you” is anxiety-inducing. With indirect ways at least it’s a save. No invite? Oh well.

Again, I’m not saying any one approach is better than the other – what I’m saying is that there’s layers to these things, whether because of culture or because of anxiety issues or whatever, and people aren’t necessarily trying to be obtuse on purpose. It’s just an issue of cross-purposes and clashing communication styles.