bonehandledknife:

not-a-bumblebee:

bonehandledknife:

survivablyso:

bonehandledknife:

lierdumoa:

If a neurotypical asks you, “What game are you playing?” they’re not asking you to describe the game.

They’re asking you if they can play too.

If a neurotypical asks you, “What are you watching?” they’re not asking you to explain the plot of the movie/tv show to them.

They’re asking if they can watch it with you.

.

When neurotypicals ask you “What are you doing?” 

• What you think they’re asking: “Please explain to me what you are doing.” 
• What they’re actually asking:  “Can I join you?”

Now here’s the really fucked up part. If you start explaining to them what you’re doing? They will interpret that as a rejection. 

• What you think you’re saying: [the answer to their question]
• What they think you’re saying: This is an elite and exclusive activity for a level 5 friend and you are a level 1 acquaintance. You are not qualified to join me because you don’t know all this stuff. Go away.

.

This is why neurotypicals think you’re being cold and antisocial.

IT’S ALL A HORRIBLE MISCOMMUNICATION.

I didn’t realize, even thought it took me almost three decades to learn this, that this was such a paradigm changing realization until we had our conversation today.

But it really really is. One of the most bewildering realizations I’ve had is most people don’t talk to learn things unless its related to work or directly towards their own hobbies, all the words and questions are bonding questions if done socially. They are “lets make friends” questions.

So if I answer their question without an opportunity for the person asking the question to give a response or to join in somehow, the asker feels alienated and starts shutting down.

Example: what are you reading?

True answer but not what they’re looking for: Title of book

Best answer for social scenarios where I want to retain/create friendship: This book is about x and y but it has z that i know u have an interest in too.

Example: what are you doing?

True answer but not: drawing

Best answer for friends: I’m drawing but would u like company while I’m working?

And sometimes frankly I’m not in a headspace where I can process people so the answer is something like, “I would like to do something in a day or later, do you want to plan something?”

Tldr: communication is wierd

HOLY

SHIT

that explains so fucking much thank you

(why the fuck do neurotypicals never just day what they mean ie hey this show looks cool mind if I join you)

Further annoying?

They don’t realize that’s what they’re asking and they just feel rejected and go away. So you can’t even ask them what you did wrong because they can’t even put a finger on why they feel the way they do they just know you made them feel bad for some undefined reason.

ok i keep seeing this on my dash, and as a neurotypical, i feel like this post is pulling my leg. why would anyone ask “what are you reading/playing” and not expect to hear the title of the thing? wouldn’t they just ask what it is about, if they don’t know from the title? who the heck asks “what are you doing” when the answer is obvious and automatically expects to be invited to something? what

Okay so I’ve been seeing alot more of these types of posts in the reblogs and I feel like I need to speak up. 

Dear NT who are confused at these posts:

The OP and I are best friends and we were having a discussion about basically, “the me in HS wish I knew This Unspoken Social Rule.” I actually didn’t expect her to post about it but it did and it blew up and from the tags it’s helped alot of people both on the spectrum and adhd and various other funky brain things.

This unspoken social rule hinders many people but disproportionally affects those of us on the spectrum. 

The post specifically states it’s directed towards those on the spectrum.

The reason why: Those of us on the spectrum have immense difficulty with nonverbal cues

The spectrum ‘at rest’ demeanor, which is HIGHLY YMMV depending on the person, includes: not looking people in the eye, not facing people/poor posture, having a ‘angry’ or otherwise negative resting expression, having a voice that is monotone or sounds negative.

It takes me conscious effort to turn around and look someone in the face (let alone the eyes), hold my body in the right position, make sure to put all my face muscles in the right place so I look friendly, modulate my tone so that it’s warm and approachable.

It is a CONSCIOUS JUGGLING ACT, and that doesn’t include parsing all the words and nonverbal cues of the person who is approaching us.

Being interrupted by a person while you’re focusing on something is agitating and we do not default to ‘a person is trying to join me in conversation’. Most likely we have our ‘at rest’ demeanor on.

If you look at the tags many of those on the spectrum regard a question in this state as an info query.

It doesn’t register as a conversation opener.

It doesn’t register as a potential olive branch to a potential friend.

I’m not saying that all spectrum people are looking for a friend, but many are and are very upset that they somehow keep messing up a social interaction.

A conversation for an NT person (as seen in the reblogs):

“What are you watching?” 

“Title of show.” 

“Oh cool, can I join?”

“Sure!”

A different but similar conversation as experienced by someone on the spectrum:

“What are you watching?”

“Title of show.”

“Oh ok.” And for some reason the person leaves.

What is going on you ask?

For the NT example:

“What are you watching?” The speaker tilts in and gives a nervous smile.

“Title of show.” they say, turning around and smiling back at the speaker. “It’s about pirates.”

The speaker lights up. “Oh cool, can I join?”

“Sure!”

For me, on the spectrum, before I figured this out:

“What are you watching?” An acquaintance interrupts the show when I’m trying to focus, I feel annoyed because the DVD is right there, I hunch in farther and don’t even look away from the TV because its hard for me to understand sounds. 

I wish this show had captions.

“Title of show.” I say, really frustrated, and still trying to focus. Are they being annoying on purpose?

“Oh ok.” And the acquaintance leaves for some reason and I’m totally confused because why did they just come to me to ask me a one word question that they could have figured out themselves? And I was helpful! I answered their question! And… did they maybe sound negative? Was that disappointment in their voice? 

But… I answered their question! What’s going on?

I thought we’d worked well together on a project? I’d thought we could maybe be friends. Oh well give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I’m imagining things.

Later on this acquaintance is cold towards me for no reason I could figure out. I try to ask and things get more awkward. 

We drift away from each other but I’m left forever confused over what happened.

Again, not all people on the spectrum are in the place they’re searching for friends. Not all allistics respond this way. Sometimes the topic/show/book genuinely isn’t interesting enough or enough of a common touchstone. 

These posts maybe helpful but not for them. It’s actually to address this exact situation that I have outlined above. With some details changed this situation has happened various times. Sometimes I tried giving the title of the show and explaining it to them at length but that just made them seem more desperate to leave.

If you have never experienced that, and some cultures won’t have this type of ‘asking’ social structure, this entire series of posts and people’s responses to it won’t be of use.