Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation, abuse and autistic self injurious behaviors are mentioned with permission from the injured party.
@butterflyinthewell is going through a breakdown that began on Nov 6 2017. Other than update the look of her blog and tweak it she has not been using Tumblr. She has not been hospitalized although it came very close to that.
I have been speaking to her via email to ensure she is safe. On Nov 7, she admitted to having several violent self injurious episodes in one day that left deep contusions on her legs.
Another episode happened late at night on Nov 8 with the same results and a worsening of the injuries already present. She still finds walking and changing position very painful.
Her situation was very close to life threatening early on Nov 9. She expressed an extreme fear of going to Hell and disappointing God for having such dreadful thoughts in the first place. I talked to her until almost four in the morning until her ideation had passed, and I talked her into showing me what led to her breakdown.
She was very adamant that she doesn’t want the other party blamed or attacked and she does not wish blame or hatred on the other person either.
In the most limited description I can give you, she had an altercation with her emotional abuser, and a conversation she had in messenger immediately afterward unintentionally reinforced what her abuser had just said. Someone took issue with how she used the word traitor, and called her immature when she clarified her opinion and expressed her personal offense to the other person being dismissive of her offline activism.
Cyndi is developmentally delayed as well as autistic. She said I can say that. I think people can deduce why being called immature is especially hurtful to her.
Immature has been used to bully and abuse her for her entire life. It is used as a shut down and dismissal insult to silence her. The word used on her in a serious manner is insulting her entirety because it is an aspect of her that she can’t change no matter how she adjusts her words or tone to suit an audience. It hurts her like the dreaded R word.
Seeing that thrown at her so carelessly was soul crushing. She crashed. She describes it as a meltdown that has been going on nonstop since she read the words on her screen on Nov 6.
I already messaged the other person myself to inform them of what happened, and I ask that you not harass or mob them if they come forward in response to this. I wish the other person no ill will. Their part in this situation was the unwitting pebble leading to an avalanche. Unfortunately, damage is still damage whether it is intentional or not.
I asked Cyndi if she wanted me to say anything in the #actuallyautistic tags she uses in case anyone is worried, so that is why I am here. I am autistic myself, so I promise I am not invading.
She has not given me a timeframe for when she will return. She overhauled the look of her blog after I suggested she do something to help herself feel accomplished. I think it saved her life.
She asked me not to post until she was certain she wasn’t a danger to herself anymore, as she didn’t want to cause anyone any unnecessary worry. This post is a sign that she is finally safe despite still being in an extreme state of emotion and fatigue. Her exact words: “I have to lay down after doing anything that isn’t part of my daily routines.”
This situation should serve as a reminder to always consider what is happening to the person behind the screen.
Edit because I already got one hateful anon:
“She is still posting every day, stfu.” – Anon
Her queue is running once a day and posts from a roleplay character side blog are running on a schedule.
People honestly are cruel. She fixed her blog to post nice things while she is away, and all people want to do is try to discredit her when she is not present to defend herself. Disgusting.
@shadowkat678 @girlprime @gothicbot @medinajayecabaret @a-modern-major-general @konstargirl-blog1 @supericelight @clatterbane @failure-to-adult
It looks like Tumblr is more about popularity than topic relevance. How frustrating. I am tagging people that I see fairly consistently in the notes of Cyndi’s posts because I want to make sure my post is read.
I wish to add that she is taking this break because she is afraid to scare people or incite aggression with her lack of a word filter. She is terrified to continue the cycle of abuse from her abuser and believes near total isolation is the only way to protect other people. I tried to encourage her to come back. She said the mere sight of this website incites rage attacks, and she thinks she is protecting everyone else by not coming on.
Again, I want to stress that the immediate danger appears to be over.
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Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 