I AM DYING!!!
AND THESE ARE ALL WRITTEN BY MEN, PUBLISHED AUTHORS, SO I DON’T WANT NOBODY COMPLAINING ABOUT SEX SCENES WRITTEN BY FANGIRLS EVER AGAIN!!
In case anyone was wondering why they should click the link, here’s a gem for you
“”Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.“
interview w the vampire: things are beautiful to look at but nothing has any meaning and i want to die but have not the courage to do so
the vampire lestat: im lestat and im a vampire with blond hair that goes just to my collar and i ride a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and im going to be Rockstar
@cygnaut: #the emotional whiplash the first time reading tvl is nuts
I always say… Interview with the Vampire is a horror classic.
TVL and Queen of the Damned are entertaining novels.
After that, even within the fiction I don’t buy into the books. The rest of the Chronicles are just Lestat writing from prompts the other vampires gave him to keep him busy. Eventually to keep him interested in writing, they had to give him more and more id-stroking prompts, like “hot witches fall in love with you” and “you become the prince of all vampires.” Every now and then, other vampires ask how it’s going and Lestat is like “Vampire Vienna boys’ choir!” and “As prince, I carry a special ax in my coat!” and they just nod like… well… it keeps him out of real trouble, so, worth it, I guess.
The best parts I like about old treaties is when the masters teach you some real, everyday life survival skills / advice, sometimes oddly specific. I’m talking about the REAL stuff, not the usual “if he do this then counter it by stabbing them in the face“
Examples: “When you have a rapier some people use in the other hand a cape, or a parry dagger, but just take a pistol and decide for yourself what’s the best off-hand weapon”
“If there is a large group coming for you, throw your sword at them this way, then run in the other direction REALLY fucking fast. _Buy a new sword as soon as possible_”
“If you have a disagreement with someone and he is stronger than you hold up your sword like a cross and ‘vow to this cross’ that you will make peace with him. When he isn’t paying attention bash his face with the pommel.“
“If someone tries to do the ‘cross trick’ to you put your hand on it saying ‘I vow to it too’ so he can’t bash your face with it“
“Some people put acidic/poisonous stuff in a hole in their mace so when they swing at you it will also go into your eyes. You TOTALLY won’t do this dishonorable thing, but here is the recipe for that stuff for the sake of knowledge“
“If in a duel you have to change swords with your opponent to make sure there is no cheating, and his sword is more expensive than yours, just run the fuck away with it.“
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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