So freaking interesting and detailed and all-around useful and informative!
The title made me Nervous As Fuck, but it’s actually a very interesting read.
Here are the main parts:
- In the author’s experience, the 1-2-3 fingers ‘preparation’ thing that we all know and love (and happens in 99% of fics) isn’t done by gay men. It’s important to be relaxed and go slow, then take a minute to adjust – but the idea of ‘stretching’ with fingers isn’t recognised. (According to the author. There’s some fighting in the comments. He adds that written fingering is hot – it shouldn’t be wiped from fanfiction by any means – but it should instead be embraced as a pleasurable sex act of its own, rather than a mandatory stage of all anal sex ever.)
- Anal sex without preparation and lube isn’t actually going to cripple you. It’s commonly done, especially by long term partners, and frankly it can be part of the appeal.
- I’m so guilty of this. I’m sorry, End Game Myc, I didn’t know. Continuing sex after the bottom has come is generally very unpleasant and uncomfortable. It’s also seen as bad etiquette and very selfish.
- Cock rings don’t stop you coming. They prolong an erection, sometimes even after coming.
- The prostate isn’t a ‘press for pleasure’ button. It doesn’t produce an immediate shower of stars. Like all sexual pleasure, it builds gradually and needs sustained stimulation.
- Coming after two or three tugs of the cock shouldn’t be written as ‘standard’, even if the character has been on the edge for a while. It generally takes longer. Ten seconds is given as a ‘minimum’.
- Male orgasm isn’t really heat – it’s pressure – and it’s located more in the groin than in the belly.
- The slit at the end of a man’s cock isn’t that sensitive. The frenulum (underneath the head) is the sensitive bit. There’s also no large vein on the underside of a penis, and it certainly doesn’t swell up.
- Apparently we can make more of a thing out of pre-come. It’s normal for there to be loads of it. (Hurray?)
There’s more discussion, personal experiences and arguing in the comments.
I’d love to pioneer the “fingering isn’t necessary” campaign – but I know that the first fic I post without dutiful fingering will get at least twenty comments explaining to me how anuses work (i.e., they’re elastic and need to be stretched.)
I’m a cis woman, but I’ve had my share of anal sex and I’ve been campaigning that fingering isn’t necessary for years. Lube up, start slow, relax, and you can insert a penis without any prior prep.
Anuses don’t so much “stretch” as “dilate.” And if you’re experienced, you have some control over the muscle. I’ve even had anal sex without lube, and while I wouldn’t necessarily recommended that, it was not particularly painful and I certainly didn’t bleed or anything. There’s such a thing as rectal mucous. It’s not at all like vaginal lubrication, but a rectum isn’t totally dry. It definitely helped that my partner was uncircumcised (which will be true of most UK/European characters) and we weren’t using condoms. Foreskins reduce friction and condoms add it, so, I wouldn’t recommend unlubricated anal sex except in those circumstances.
The “one finger, two finger, three finger fuck” trope annoys me and I never write it. My characters usually just get down to the anal intercourse if that’s what’s on the menu. Or, if I do write prep, it usually involves butt plugs or rimming, since I like those things and I dislike fingering. I’ve never had anyone lecture me in the comments about how anuses work (and if they did I’d tell them where to stick it, literally).
Day: December 15, 2018
brain: the tv is loud and physically painful to listen to
me: ok what to do then??
brain: listen to music BUT LOUDER
me: yes this works
A lot of abuse survivors who are like “this obviously abusive content is fine it doesn’t hurt me” have probably seen abuse normalized in their lives. I know I have. It doesn’t mean the content isn’t harmful.
“It helps me cope” that’s not a GOOD thing. I hate this site for saying everything is valid and refusing to look beyond that
not only that but when abuse survivors continue to consume and try to rationalize abuse by saying its fine, it only retraumatizes them and sets recovery far back. “coping” with abusive ships & content isnt real!
Fucking… @autismserenity @fandom-is-for-pleasure, either of you wanna tackle this? I… just can’t. I’m stressed and broken and don’t know where to begin, but I also can’t just let this stand.
I’m gonna go with: when people say that a story about an abusive relationship helps them cope, they mean it’s helpful to:
* see that other people know what it’s like
* see that other people know they exist
* see their terrible experiences reflected in a universe that’s really important to them – because it lets them feel like they could belong in that universe too, it’s not just for those other, valued, un-abused people
* see how characters they admire deal with that abusive situation.
(This covers a lot of things, but off the top of my head: maybe seeing them get sucked into a shitty abusive situation, not even realizing that’s what it is at first, is helpful because if this amazing protagonist can fall into that trap, then the viewer doesn’t have to shame themself for falling into it anymore. Or maybe the character eventually gets out of it, and it’s helpful to see how they escape and start to heal.)
* work through some of the shit it brings up for them
(I feel like a lot of people respond to that last point, or to all of them, with a contemptuous “you should work through that in THERAPY, that’s what it’s FOR, not by fucking around at home with fanfic or anime or whatever!” and like… Yeah, that can be really helpful, if you have a good therapist you can afford, and… these people are probably already doing that?
You don’t get to just have things come up and work through them in therapy, this shit is constant. You go to therapy or counseling to get help processing all the stuff that’s coming up in your everyday life. And having one person, who you’re paying to be supportive, tell you you’re not alone and shouldn’t shame yourself, is not nearly enough.)
A non-sexual, theoretically non-abusive example:
It’s true that this stuff CAN be retraumatizing. It’s also true that that experience can be cathartic.
And that being retraumatized by watching, or reading, something that you know isn’t real, is VERY different from being retraumatized by experiencing more violations in your own life.
Using that term in a way that implies those are the same thing feels very disrespectful of my experiences with abuse. Because no matter how horrible something I read or watch is, it’s not the same experience as having a person in my life who is violating my boundaries. YMMV.
Anyway: I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, back when it aired.
It killed Tara off RIGHT after a partner of mine killed himself.
That was extraordinarily retraumatizing. Especially since Willow and Tara had been very rare representation. And I’d really idealized their relationship and wanted them to get back together and do well by each other. Much like I’d idealized my own relationship, and wanted it to live up to my image of it.
I was watching that whole plot arc play out, week after week, while grieving, and raging against my partner and the show, and wishing both situations would magically somehow get fixed. Frequently, I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to keep watching the show.
But despite how hard it was, it was also helping me a LOT. For complex reasons, I couldn’t, at that point, tell most of my friends he was dead. Only one other person in my life knew, and he didn’t know how to respond or show up around it.
Having a similar tragedy playing out in fiction meant that my feelings were validated, by the reactions of other characters. It meant that my experience was, to some extent, validated, acknowledged, by what I was seeing on TV.
When nobody else in my life could grieve or rage for, or with, me, these characters could grieve and rage in parallel to me. I could see what support looked like, even if I couldn’t have it. When I felt like I wasn’t handling it well, I could say to myself, “At least I haven’t suddenly become evil and turned anybody inside-out.”
You could argue that that’s not the kind of content you’re talking about. That that plotline… what? Doesn’t normalize violence against women? Violence against lesbians? Gun violence?
That it’s okay because the villain meets with a terrible end? Even though Tara’s murder is something that does happen in our world, and Warren’s death is totally unrealistic and literally impossible here?
That it’s not an abusive relationship, just a single act of abuse? That you only mean people who watch or read or talk about abusive romantic relationships?
It’s just. If the arguments above make sense, then Harry Potter should be getting it for depicting an incredibly abusive, neglectful relationship, year after year, with the adults in power refusing to even acknowledge it. With the author, IMHO, treating what she’s describing very lightly, as if it’s just sort of inconvenient and rude of the Dursleys to make him live in silence in a closet.
That does get criticized, rightly. But according to this thread, people shouldn’t write or read anything like that, full stop. They’re doing something bad if they read those books over and over because they relate to Harry’s experiences of abuse. Or write more stories about that relationship. Or draw his uncle screaming at him and locking him up.
Or: Nobody should create or watch the US version of Queer As Folk because it depicts an emotionally abusive man in his thirties dating someone who, initially, is 17… even though the 17-year-old realizes, as he learns and grows, that he’s in an abusive relationship. And tries to set boundaries, and eventually leaves, and numerous characters tell the older dude that he’s being incredibly terrible, and that he should end the relationship.
The US version sucks (I haven’t watched the UK original) and there are a million terrible things about it IMHO. I can’t recommend watching this shit, on multiple different levels.
But I also have to recognize that there are people out there who idealized THAT relationship, and stood by it, insisting that it was healthy and fine – and that a lot of them, young and old, eventually figured out, through it, that their own relationships were toxic and they needed help.
And there are people who never got into those relationships, because they saw what this one was like.
And there are people who had no interest in anything like that, who saw people idealizing it and making fanart that idealized it, who reached out to support them instead of screaming at them for being terrible and wrong. And some of those people idealizing it were able to get out of bad situations earlier because they had a supportive community around them.
Idk, I’m pretty sure that the knee-jerk reaction will be to skip reading any of this, imagine what you think I said, and then be a dick about it, but it was worth writing for me anyway at least.
(Note: I called the Buffy situation “theoretically non-abusive” because, of course, we would learn later that Joss Whedon apparently killed Tara off because Amber Benson pissed him off by, basically, setting boundaries.
And also, accidentally killing one person by trying to kill another is legitimately an abusive act, albeit one that misfires. Not all abuse is sexual.)
The implications of the Tumblr ban aren’t good for asexual people, either.
Both asexual and non-asexual people need to understand that NSFW content is not inherently “sexual.” It is simply anything that is not safe for work. Porn is just one example of that. The ban impacts anyone using this website for sharing adult content regardless if it can be classified as “porn,” and there are many asexual artists who produce NSFW content of various kinds.
Asexual adults frequently engage in creating or consuming adult content, which is fine because they are adults. The idea that asexual people unanimously do not and can not want this, contributes to infantilizing asexual people as a whole. It’s okay to not want this. However, the idea that this experience is exclusive to asexual adults is completely and utterly wrong.
Asexual adults also express their sexuality in different ways. Asexuals can have kinks and many asexual adults have expressed what it means to be asexual and to have kinks at the same time. These discussions are important, because it lets asexual people more easily and safely navigate their asexuality in the context of kinky communities, especially in regards to consent and relationships.
Asexual adults can also be sex workers. The ban has already been criticized for negatively impacting sex workers to the point of putting them in danger in terms of their safety and financial situation. There have been posts made and articles written by asexual sex workers over the years that explain why being asexual does not contradict being a sex worker.
Asexual adults also use Tumblr to create written and drawn content that addresses their relationship with sex, whether they have it or not. Many consider this a safe space to do so, as it gives them room to explore their asexual identity alongside their relationship with sex itself. Again, this is important to highlighting what consent and healthy sexual relationships look like for asexuals.
Asexuals in general may also experience autochorisexuality, or engage in sexual behavior like masturbation or consuming sexual content with no desire to go out and have sex with another person. For some, Tumblr has been a source for this sexual content as it has generally been a source for sexual content for a variety of marginalized and underrepresented communities.
Sex and sexual behavior are nothing to be ashamed of. It is as much okay to like it and/or engage in it as it is to not like it and/or not be engaged in it. Either way, the ban does a lot to silence anyone along the spectrum of sexual experiences. The ban was done for discriminatory reasons and in the interest of capitalist gain. There is nothing for asexual people to gain from it.
you ever read a post and just… mentally reconstruct an entire swath of discourse you didn’t know about?
The problem with logging off on Monday is that I haven’t got a clue what my password is anymore.
So reminder: you haven’t changed your password for Tumblr since the last data scare, so do it on the 18th. Don’t match it to your other social media, and if you want to check that tumblr isn’t going to an email you share with sites that know your legal name, it’s a good time to do that too.
pick your fighter
the ‘$1000 to go to Hawaii’ bride, the ‘I bought a $99 polygraph on amazon’ lady, or the ‘why was $200 so huge’ birthday girl
a lot of people seem to be confused and think the hawaii bride and the polygraph lady are the same but they’re actually 2 separate people so here’s all 3 in one go
the “$1500 to go to hawaii” bride
Ms Polygraph Test
bask in the unfiltered nonsense of it all
since someone mentioned this and I had forgotten, a last minute entry fighter: “Squire Sebastian” lady
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Famine- $1500 for Hawaii
Pestilence- Squire Sebastian
Death- $200 Birthday
what i see when i look at the mirror
where are the other 4 images op
mutuals if i like your negative posts please just imagine me patting u on the back comforting you, not like i actually like that you’re hurt
Not just mutuals tho 💕
sir that’s my emotional support song on repeat
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