I’m posting this here because it’s disability/autism related. I’m in desperate need of help with this. If you can’t help in some way, reblogging this to get it to someone who can, that would be awesome. Even just offering me some advice or first hand experience with this would be wonderful.
I don’t know what to do about this.
I screwed up my right hand about ten years ago. Just over seven years ago, I went back to college because I had to quit my career as a musician since my hand wouldn’t work anymore and I couldn’t continue to play any of my instruments.
Once I was in school, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life again. I was going to get my PhD in biology and teach college. I was going to use my aspie super power (talking non-stop about stuff I’m interested in) to teach others about biology- one of my favorite topics. I was turning a weakness into a strength and working toward something that would be good for others, too. I would be contributing to society again, instead of just collecting disability benefits.
Everything was going great until I moved to New York to start my graduate degree. The school I moved up here to attend doesn’t believe in the ADA and won’t honor accommodations. I’ve actually been told that my requested accommodations would cheapen the value of their degrees. Without accommodations, I can’t continue my education. After spending my savings of $10k to move here, I couldn’t afford to move again to another college somewhere else. I had to try and stick it out. I fought hard, like the hardest I’ve ever fought for anything. After three years, I only have 20 credit hours toward my degree and most of them are courses I already took at previous colleges that this one made me retake (which includes Bio 1!!). I have $70,000 in student loans from this college alone.
In the spring, I transferred to a local community college (who does follow the ADA) and decided to spend two semesters working on a second AS degree to make myself easier to hire (hopefully). I have no idea where to go next, though, as I just had another career plan yanked away from me. When I went to get loans/grants/etc for the final semester this fall, I found out that I no longer qualify for any. By the time I found out, it was too late to apply for scholarships. I tried, but none came through. I won’t get to finish my second degree, now, despite only needing 15 credit hours which I was already signed up for this fall.
The lack of courses this fall means my student loan grace period is about to run out. I have to start paying them back. My disability income is only $750 a month, though. Any amount is going to hurt badly. So I need to try to find a job with the degree I have and try to start working again. This comes with its own problem.
I am on Medicare/Medicaid. It’s VERY important that I have this insurance. My medications that I take are $800 a month without insurance. With my current insurance, they are $5 a month. Also, between all the specialists I see, I have a doctor visit or two every two months. Those currently cost me nothing, but would be $300 a visit for the one I know the costs for if I had no insurance.
Two of the medications I take daily have withdrawal symptoms that could kill me if I stopped taking them suddenly. These are also the two most expensive drugs I take.
When I start working, I lose my Medicare/Medicaid right away. Because of this, I have to find a job that has good health insurance and I need that coverage to start immediately. I also need to ensure that it’s a job I won’t lose for any reason. If I do, it takes a year to get back on Medicare and Medicaid. I don’t have a good track record with non-music jobs. I either end up at a place that doesn’t want to deal with an autistic employee who has to do things just a little bit different (despite doing them the same quality and quantity as everyone else if not better) and I get fired, I get bullied by coworkers or bosses and end up quitting after I can’t take it anymore, or the office politics pushes me into a corner I can’t get out of leading to one of the other two outcomes. These have happened at almost every job I’ve ever had outside of music. Sometimes it takes a month. Sometimes it takes a year. It always happens, though.
If I start working and it doesn’t work out, I could die. If I don’t start working and have to continue living on my disability minus student loan payments, I could end up homeless. Each scenario is horrific. Worst of all, after losing two careers, I don’t even know what to do with my life, now. It was hard enough to find a second passion that was compatible with my autism and hand problems, but another? I just don’t know.
I’ve been having panic attacks almost every day for two months, now. I’m also stuck in a deep, deep depression. I can barely function right now. I’m sure the friends I’ve managed to spend any time with have noticed I’ve been super off, lately. I’m spending so much energy not collapsing into the fetal position and sobbing that my more pronounced autistic symptoms are sticking out in ways that they normally don’t. My normal lack of a filter on what I say has gone away completely and I have no control at all most of the time.
Just… what do I do? Where the fuck do I go from here?
I’ve got a wonderful partner that I love very much and who has supported me through all this, but I just feel like she’s losing patience for having to completely support me financially for so long, now. If things fell apart, I don’t know if she’d stay with me. God, that’s probably my biggest fear. She’s everything to me and all I do is for her in a lot of ways. Even if she wouldn’t toss me aside, I don’t know if I could live with myself being completely dependent on her any longer. I want to contribute to our lives the way she’s done for me.
How do I stop this awful rollercoaster I’m on? I just want some fucking stability in my life again. I want to know what success feels like, again. And I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
If you’re in central NY, ARISE might take your case.
please stop spreading misinformation and always be sure to check your sources first!
Some similar scaremongering ridiculousness got put into much better perspective, talking to my partner.
Yeah, we both grew up during the tail end of the Cold War, with way more credible ongoing threat of nuclear war. One big difference in experience? I lived in Back O’ Beyond, Virginia while he was near Stockholm. Pretty much right on Russia’s western doorstep.
We had some adults who positively delighted in telling kids that we were the 3rd or 4th ranked target in the continental US (the exact number varied), thanks to the nearby defense plant with possibly the worst-kept secret missile installation ever. It really was just plain mean, besides not even that plausible to anyone but children. But, among other places I heard that? We had several elementary school teachers who felt a need to inform us that we should be ready to kiss our asses goodbye at any moment. At least it was well past the era of “duck and cover” drills, though most of the ones trying to scare us had grown up during the worst of that. Increasing the wtf value in some ways.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic? All of Scandinavia (not to mention the other side of the Baltic) was pretty much guaranteed to be toast as soon as anyone started launching anything. He had much better reason not to expect to make it to adulthood, the way things looked for a while in the ‘80s. He’s still a little surprised they did, and hearing him talk about it certainly did help with some perspective there.
Anyway, once again I have to question the motives of anyone who is wanting to jump straight into alarmism about North Korea’s supposed threat to people living in North America. Especially when, as that other post went into, that’s really not who is liable to get hurt with the worst Kim Jong-un has the capacity to do. Before we even get to any badly considered actions coming from the US and its capabilities.
Am I surprised at the screeching? Not really. Still kind of disappointed at the number of people who no doubt want some excuse, though.
If you live in the US, you should not be freaking out about nuclear war with North Korea in a “we’re all going to die” way. DPRK has one rocket that can reach the continental US, it’s barely gotten functional, and they have no warheads small enough to be carried by that rocket. They can theoretically hit Hawaii and Alaska, but Hawaii is a small, long-range target and Alaska has very low population density, so attacks there would likely be ineffective.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be freaking out about nuclear war with North Korea. It’s to say that you should stop being so fucking self-centered about it.
We’re not going to die. If we nuke North Korea, we’ll wipe out thousands of noncombatants, just like we did in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Even in an “ideal” outcome for that first strike, where Kim goes down immediately, his military apparatus will retaliate — against South Korea and probably Japan. This hypothetical nuclear exchange will kill millions of civilians who, surprise surprise, live far away and look sort of not-European. Then we’ll spend the rest of our long, non-incinerated lives bickering with each other over whether it was cool of us to start that fight.
If you want to speak out against Trump’s nuclear bullshittery, don’t bleat “we’re all going to die.” Yell “no atrocities in our name.”
The trick to stop feeling embarrassed for oversharing on tumblr is to realize that it doesn’t matter what you post, it’s all embarrassing. This entire site is embarrassing, we’re all living in a cycle of shame
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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