rjzimmerman:

I laughed at this. Not a laughing matter, I know, but reading absurdities about how Wall Street analyzes stuff always makes me laugh. I worked with these people for 30+ years, and getting tossed something goofy was almost a daily thing.

The cynical writing style fits perfectly, as does the last sentence: “And also, WTF is wrong with you people?”

The story:

How can you know the potential for war is serious? When the guys on Wall Street start thinking about it in terms of dollars. But as daunting as the idea of a nuclear exchange may be, the subtitle of this Wall Street Journal article still looks as if it were lifted from the the least funny issue of the Onion.

Analysts are trying to work out what happens to the markets they cover in the event of an all-out nuclear war

Yes. That is certainly an important question. Just how does one reach one’s broker when Goldman Sachs is under a pile of boiling slag? Is there such a thing as cockroach futures? And just what does Pat Boone have to say about how this will affect my reverse mortgage?

Strategists at Nordea Markets estimate that in the unlikely event of “a potentially uncontained military conflict” in which global superpowers like China and Russia get involved, the European Central Bank would have to implement “highly dovish forward guidance” and the yield curve would likely flatten due to weaker risk appetite.

Well that makes sense. Certainly a lot of things would be “flattened” in the event of a “uncontained military conflict in which global superpowers get involved.” Though the monetary policy of the European Central Bank would matter much, much, much less than the ability of tardigrades to survive in a high temperature environment for few millennia. 

Here’s the forecast from Shane Oliver, head of investment strategy and chief economist at AMP Capital: Should there ultimately be a significant military conflict, with North Korea likely launching missile attacks against South Korea and Japan, “this would entail a more significant impact on share markets with, say, 20% or so falls before it became clear that the U.S. would prevail.”

What does Shane have to say about what an incoming asteroid would do to annuities? How about the effect of a nearby supernova on the bond market? And also, WTF is wrong with you people?

The Wall Street Journal frets over how ‘all-out nuclear war’ could hurt investments