clatterbane:

Reminded again with my tag commentary there of something I’ve been having to think about lately.

I might not be nearly as grouchy about some things by now, if I hadn’t spent over a decade living somewhere that the demographics skew heavily toward one group of people who want to give me problems. With multiple excuses to choose from.

And no, I am really not imagining that. Nor that the atmosphere has gotten more hostile over the past 5 years or so. To the point that my health has been suffering–sometimes very directly, and not just on the really blatant level of Dr. Lazy Pennypinching Racist before. It’s not at all good for my mental health either, on an ongoing basis. And I am still almost hesitant to admit that, thanks to some earlier abuse.

Too often it just feels like being stuck in middle school in a really toxic system 24/7 now, and I really do not have the spoons to get out and deal with it much. It’s just not a good situation.

And there doesn’t seem to be that much I can reasonably do about it right now. Besides remind myself that this is not just me being some kind of terrible person to keep running into shitty behavior. When I have pretty consistently tried to treat other people with some basic respect. It’s really not all on me. And I’m not necessarily in the wrong for letting it get to me after a while. Where have I heard that before? Hmm.

I mean, I recognized something was off when we were in Stockholm and I found myself that impressed at not getting shoved or yelled at on the street even once in the space of almost a week. That should be a normal amount of shoving and yelling (and rude fucking stares from strangers) to encounter out in public. But it impressed me at the time, because it wasn’t my normal day to day expectation–and things have gotten worse since.

Reminded again of Dave Hingsburger’s Enough In Atlanta. I may not have spent much time in Atlanta specifically, but yeah that’s a lot closer to my previous base expectations of (bare minimum) acceptable public behavior.

Maybe when we turned our backs or left the store, or crossed the street, they said or did something unkind. I hope not, but if that did I’m thankful they waited until I was gone. I’m thankful that they recognized that what they were going to say or do would be hurtful and decided to wait on being mean until I was well away.

“Don’t actively cause strangers out in public problems–no seriously wtf is wrong with you?!” is really not too much to expect.

See also: bankuei’s Microaggressions and larger commitments.

The person engaging in microaggressions was unable to stop themselves from attacking and holding themselves in a civil manner even for that period of time. It was urgent and imperative they remind you of their status and yours.

Think about that – they are so fully committed to dehumanizing you, that short period of time, or situation (“We are strangers walking down the street- the default assumption is to LEAVE ME ALONE”) was too much of a burden for them to stop themselves from having to spew shit to remind you of who they are and who they think you are.

Yeah, that’s just not normal behavior, no matter how socially acceptable it seems to be in some settings. Kind of worrying when you realize that you are now expecting to encounter some display(s) of hostility whenever you go out in public.

I really would like to somehow get myself enough healthier so I could reasonably GTFO and hopefully into a less hostile situation. (And not, you know, just roll over and die. Wish that were just hyperbole.) That’s the tricky part right now, of course. And I have been getting more than a little bummed about it lately. But, trying to figure out some kind of feasible strategies here.

Reminded of this one from earlier this year, after a couple of reblogs with commentary touching on abusive behavior, microaggressions, and invalidation. (Plus my tag commentary on one of them.)

Apparently I needed another reminder that objecting to dealing with this kind of behavior is totally reasonable, and it’s not something anyone should just be expected to put up with without complaint.

But, also? If I were just being paranoid about it and imagining all these unpleasant interactions, and looking for microaggressions where none exist? If–as in one example I ran across looking for this post, which really reminded me way too much of middle school–that flying cigarette butt had hit me by accident and those guys were really laughing at something totally unconnected?

You’d think that in that case, I would have just kept imagining hostility on that trip to Stockholm. (Or when I’ve been back home and people were just letting me go about my business like a normal human being, for that matter. Or…) But, I went a whole week without anybody yelling unintelligible stuff out of a car at me, or shooting filthy looks/snickering at me just for walking down the street, or anything else of that nature. It didn’t happen.

If I were really that “oversensitive” and looking for innocuous stuff to complain about, you’d think I’d find plenty wherever I go and in pretty much every situation. That really has not been the case. Ever.

I mean, this is another of those things that existing PTSD and the history of dismissal a lot of us are working from can actively make worse. It can be way too easy to quadruple guess your own perceptions, and not feel like you have much/any room to complain even if you do know deep down that this stuff is just not right and you don’t deserve it.

And there are unfortunately more than a few grown adults around who are counting on these dynamics, yeah Tying back in with the commentary that got me thinking, and also very much relevant to a lot of lateral aggression.