things like this puzzle me just because finding real friends is so damn rare

if i had to exclude cishets from the running in principle, i’d be pretty lonely

i mean a lot of my friends are queer but dude what

this tumblr thing puzzles me more and more with each passing day

Hmm. I remember somewhere reading a bit by someone who had visiting a foreign culture where he didn’t speak the language and hit it off with the only other American there, and they bonded quite strongly over the course of that trip and made plans to meet up back in America, but when they did, he found that they didn’t actually have that much of a connection, and in the foreign country it was simply their unique shared experiences in a sea of foreignness that gave them a sense of closeness.

The linked post seems like it might be the same sort of thing. Friendships tend naturally to continue along at the same level of intensity until there’s a “breakthrough” that drops you down to a deeper friend level, and that can take a long time, but if you’re able to share a close personal experience with someone that the rest of society is unable to relate to – something that maies you feel alienated normally – that can drop you into a very high level of intimacy almost immediately. That can be valuable since it happens when it’s most needed, but it has the drawback alluded to in the story I mentioned: the initial similarity is rarely enough to support a lasting and functional relationship, so when the dust settles you may find yourself on extremely familiar terms with someone you just aren’t that into.

Yeah. That was basically my experience with the kink scene—since those were THE ONLY PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY HORRIBLE SECRET I trusted them immediately and fully.

I made a lot of real friends, yes!

but I also got way too close to some iffy people way too quickly. And found myself going “what the HELL?” fairly often when the shiny wore off.

That’s why I feel so uneasy when I see kids here going “queer GOOD cishet BAD.” Because the actual fault line for “this person is a true friend” isn’t “this person has similar life experiences to me.” It’s “this person is someone I consistently like and respect.”

That can be someone who shares a lot of traits with you OR someone who shares almost none.

This was also my experience with the kink scene, which was also my first experience with the Queer Scene (as opposed to just queer people, who I’ve been around all my life :P). Insta-connection based on a shared, deep, stigmatized part of How We Worked.

That insta-connection sure made a good bond for abusive people to fall back on. “Oh, she’d never rape anyone, she teaches consent classes, she’s one of us!” She was more involved in the scene so she had more connections, and I was the weird critical outsider (I thought I was an insider) and I had to be a liar because she couldn’t have done what I claimed. Except she did, and I hope she doesn’t do it again, but I have little confidence.

Be careful out there, folks. Someone can have all sorts of things in common with you, someone can “get” you on a truly deep level, someone can volunteer for wonderful causes and write amazing theory, and that someone can still abuse you.

100%. I stayed with an abusive girlfriend because I was a feminist and the other feminists around me kept saying “there is no power dynamic in lesbian relationships like there is in straight ones.”

Which my brainweasels interpreted as “whatever this is, it isn’t a power dynamic. You must deserve this.”

It took me a while to not give a damn what it was and decide it was ok to “fail at being gay.”

All great points above, but also, being queer/gay/lgbt/whatever doesn’t actually necessarily mean you’ll have the same experience being that as other lgbt people around you. That’s what confuses me, personally, when people go on these extended tangents about how great and necessary it is to have friends that are gay/women/your ethnicity/your whatever, etc., just like you, and how you’ll be instant friends bc of that shared experience, bc … it doesn’t really work like that?? 

so many lgbt people have the experience of being that – that’s completely different from my own. on top of that, there are plenty of lgbt people I just don’t like hanging out with for various reasons. also plenty of women i can’t stand. and plenty of nonbinary people. we may have smth in common, but we still have a bunch more things very much NOT in common. 

The big reason I’m for non-bar non-club non-school-affiliated accessible-to-teens LGBT+ spaces is not that I’m a non-drinking asexual who wants to invade.

It’s because my college had a Gay Straight Alliance.

And if your personal politics about other issues didn’t mesh with the leadership but you claimed to be LGB? The bullying started.

And if you grew up with abstinence-only sex ed and were still working through it, saying you were LGB without becoming sexually active yet? The bullying started.

And if you’d remained any sort of Christian after coming out, even if you were the sort of person who’d gotten through the darkest points by believing God still loved you even if no one else did? The bullying started.

They literally drove one of my friends into withdrawing for the crime of wanting marriage equality and wanting to ‘save himself’ for it because he still wanted the life path he’d been taught his straight age-peers could have. (He finally got a degree with the support of his husband over a decade later.) I was scum of the earth to the GSA in part because I ate meals with a group of gay men they had rejected.

The GSA and BSU agreed that gay Christians could not be permitted to exist at a traditionally Christian college where over half the student body was raised evangelical. They worked together to hurt people. I was scum to both for helping the people they targeted.

The most dangerous organization to come out to for the majority of students was the one that ran the unofficial Coming Out Day events. And that fact was not widely known, not enough for the freshmen standing up and talking for the first time to be forewarned.

And I see these posts about how teens don’t need welcoming places that don’t serve booze and don’t check ages on IDs because ‘more schools have Gay Straight Alliances now, and the solution is to get one in every school’ and I think, ‘So, what is a kid supposed to do if someone in leadership hates them for other reasons? What are they supposed to do if they have a bad breakup and the other person never misses a meeting so avoiding them means leaving? What are they supposed to do if the internal culture turns toxic? Are they supposed to just drop out of the community and lose access to awareness material about how to stay safe until they are old enough to legally consent to all adults and/or legally get drunk, then be set loose on the world without the equivalent of the How To Spot Abusive Relationships information their straight peers got?’

If there’s only one accessible LGBT+ organization around, there’s no way to get away without losing support in general. And I see people acting like that’s acceptable way too often because obviously the community is a monolith that accepts everyone who qualifies as LGBT+, never argues about the definition of that, and never ever turns toxic.









Age that women first noticed men were looking at them sexually

by Teelo888

Girls don’t get childhood. They get girlhood.

Because I don’t want to see any comments after this reblog on how it’s perfectly normal for boys to start noticing girls when they’re all going through puberty – this graph is based on women’s responses to an /r/AskReddit thread that specifically mention grown, adult men. 

I remember doing a shift at my work experience placement in a bookstore and some grown man (he was starting to grey around the beard) came up to me while I was stocking the shelves. He was asking if I always worked in the History section and I said no, I stock all over the store (duh?) and suddenly went from zero to a hundred by asking “What time do you get off work? Can I take you for coffee?” 

The feeling was instantaneous – hot and cold at the same time. Your stomach curdles and chills while your skin heats and feels like it’s melting away. My whole face turned red and all I wanted to do was vomit.  “I am fourteen years old.”

He looked embarrassed as hell.

… And yet

“What? No, you can’t be.”


“Bullshit, where’s your ID?”

SIR, the only ID she has is from her JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.”  My (male) manager had walked up behind me (he later said he heard me say my age the first time around and came running over). “She’s a minor. She doesn’t have to show you anything. Can I help you with something? Do you need help with a purchase?”

The word ‘minor’ set this guy off and he started ranting about how I was leading him on. Another customer (probably in his 20s) overheard it all, looked at me and back at the guy, obviously determined that I was not in my twenties, sneered and went “Gross, dude” – which, yeah, but that set this creep off even more. My manager and another male employee ended up walking him out.

I will fucking love that manager until the end of days for stepping in like that – but unfortunately nothing will take away that cold, gut wrenching feeling a young girl gets hit on by a man twice her age.

I was fourteen, in the Bahamas on vacation, and a full-grown man tried to lure me away from the table where I was waiting for my mother who was in the washroom.  I was timid and shy and had absolutely no idea what his motives were, but in retrospect, best case scenario, he wanted me to have sex with him.  Don’t want to think about the worst case scenario. 

I looked mature for my age, but he ASKED ME MY AGE AND I TOLD HIM AND HE CONTINUED TO PURSUE IT.

Thank the fucking lord my mother returned a minute later and had a fucking meltdown when she saw what was going on.  

If men want to complain about how they’re always seen as predators, this  graph is  a good fucking example of why most women do.  I guarantee you that most women have one or two stories like this.

I used to ride on the back of my step-dad’s motorcycle sometimes (he’s like 6′2″ and over 200 lbs, I was 5′4″ and about 110) and one time this guy pulled up beside us and says to him “That’s a hot piece of ass you got back there!”

Dad raised his visor slowly.


“Oh shit…. Sorry…”

I hadn’t even hit puberty, yet.

I was reading through all of the comments on this post, most of them echoing similar stories about harrassment at very young ages by much older men. But i noticed a few people trying to argue with the source and stats. So here. This isn’t just coming from reddit. 

A new report, taking in 22 countries, shows that on average 84 per cent of women are harassed on the street before they turn 17. Over 16,000 women were surveyed. It found that most women experienced harassment for the first time between the ages 11 and 17. source

more. more. more

Both photos from the first source









As a chick married to an ex-cop, I say this all the time to people close to me, but it bears repeating here: No cop is your friend after you’ve been detained.

Get rear ended by a drunk at a red light? That cop will direct traffic around your vehicle, document the accident, sure. Call animal control on your piece of shit neighbor? You’ve got a pretty good chance the officer who shows up helps out in a meaningful way.

But after you’ve been arrested, when a police officer says, “Just be honest with me and I’ll do the same.” or the old “Help me and I’ll help you.” Politely ask for a lawyer. Shake your head. Ignore them. Pretend you’re Hollywood royalty being asked for a selfie. “ …mmmm… Sorry, but no.”

Keep your mouth shut. Don’t do their work for them. Wait for a lawyer.

I worked as a police dispatcher for a year and a half, and I’d agree with this. My cops were generally nice people (and I say this having been on the wrong end of their sirens twice, once before and once after being hired), and they often helped in good ways… on the street. Not so much in the station. Generally speaking (and I know this is oversimplification and is worse in a lot of places but), it went like this:

On the street, you were considered as a person/citizen they have sworn to protect who may have made a mistake or done something wrong.

Once you were in the station, you were considered as a criminal. In the station you are the only one on your side.

Stay safe.

TV and film has you thinking that only guilty people ask for a lawyer. This is not true. The law is complex and difficult and confusing and if you’re being questioned by the police you’re not going to be in your best state of mind. A lawyer is your basic civil right and you should exercise that right. Keep silent, ask for a lawyer, take your legal advice.

Guilty people don’t ask for a lawyer, smart people do.

“Guilty people don’t ask for a lawyer, smart people do.”

My uncle was a cop. My uncle is the most down to earth, wouldn’t hurt a fly person in the world. I don’t think he even arrested a single person ever, that wasn’t his job on the force.

His advice? Get a fucking lawyer. Never say a damn word. A cop knows how to twist your words around and make you even doubt yourself. They know damn well how to make you feel guilty by getting a lawyer. YOU need to know that it’s SMART to get a lawyer. Get a lawyer.

People can be convinced that they committed a non-existant crime in three hours.

Don’t say shit. Get a lawyer.

If you want to watch a show that shows people admitting to things they may not have done and the tactics involved, check out The Confession Tapes. It’s on Netflix.

My husband is a defense attorney, and yeah, get a lawyer. There is no lawyer more expensive than not getting a lawyer in this kind of situation.





Firefighter Uniform




Fun fact: That is made with real indigo grown on a farm.

The heat index real indigo can take is up to 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, which is why it was used for centuries.

Another fun fact: Japanese firefighters were hardcore and very proud of their job and abilities. If anyone is interested, I can dig out some amazing images.

Okay guys, so here it is: History lesson about the firemen in Edo, Japan. (Because I need to impart some knowledge before I get to the fun part.)

Edo (now Tokyo) in the 17th century had some massive problems. The city had only become the official capital in 1603. Before the 16th century, it had been an inconsequental fishing town. After becoming the capital, the city boomed and population more or less exploded.

The numbers I could find are the following:

  • 1640: 400′000 residents
  • 1693: 800′000 residents
  • 1721: 1′100′000 residents

All in all, Edo became a massive, sprawling city in a very short amount of time. All kinds of people came to Edo, from poor women that were literally sold into prostiution by their parents to the leaders of the country.

The rapid population growth wasn’t the only problem the city faced, however. Some other factors include:

  • Building material: Most houses were built almost entirely out of wood, which, surprise, burns easily.
  • Building structures: Houses were often built in rows, with narrow streets in between, perfect for the quick spread of fire
  • Weather: Constant strong winds, especially in the winter and in spring, helped along with that, too
  • Arson: Yes, people literally set fires in the hope that they would manage to loot something valuable in the process. These people were often from the lower strata of society, showing that not all was well in Edo. (In short: being poor sucks massively.) Sometime merchants just wanted to destroy their rival’s business, though. Burn that fucker to the ground, or something like that.

Due to these factors, the city experienced 49 large fires between 1601 and 1867, and over a thousand smaller fires. Which means there were approximately 7 smaller fires a year, as well as one massive fire every five years… not great odds if you just wanna do your thing in the big city. The largest fire in 1657 killed around 100′000 people, which was, if you look at the numbers up there, probably around a quarter of the population.

While the shogun quickly commanded the creation of a firefighting force to prevent the burning of his buildings, he was less concerned about the rest of the city. It took until the 18th century (I think somewhere in the 1720s) until he finally ordered the creation of a city-wide firefighting force that protected people from fires and put them out.

In short, because of the frequency of the fires, this was a massively important job.

(Above: Fireman in gear. Take note of the fire hook. These hooks were standard gear for any firefighter, and usually used to destroy buildings to prevent the spread of a fire.)

(Above: Firemen at work. The lanterns and the matoi they are carrying are symbols to identify the “department”.)

And I don’t know, but it seems like an universal rule that important people like to show off, or maybe it’s just a side-effect of running into rapidly-spreading fires, but at some point, they started the tradition of “ladder climbing.” It’s now part of a yearly ceremony that takes place just after new years, but the exact origin of this tradition is unclear.

(Above: We have no time for your foolish safety measures. Get on our level. Hahahaha.)

Anyway, what they do every year in this ceremony is this:

One or more dudes climb a straight ladder that’s only secured with the fire hooks of their colleagues on the ground (you can see them do that in the image), and on top of that ladder they perform various acrobatic feats to show off their awesome firefighting skills (not really). Now if you say this is obviously a print and does not depict reality at all, let me direct you towards some newer technology:

(Above: AAAAH.)

And the tradition lives on until today:

(Above: You can also clearly see this goddamn ladder is not secured at all, other than with the fire hooks. You can only hope none of your colleagues are planning to murder you.)

And if you want to see the entire thing in movement:

In this video, you can see some very nice close-ups of the ladder and the way it’s being secured by the fire hooks. The best stunts come towards the end. Here you can see three dudes on the ladder, and here’s a video of a woman doing the stunts.

Honestly, I could go on enternally, but there you go. The badass firefighters of ye olde Japan.





Another example of how COPS not the public escalate a non-violent situation into one where lethal force becomes an instant option.

“My apologies” wtf. Na fuck that.

That man literally takes his gun out of his pocket not even a gun clip or waistbelt but his damn pocket and where tf is his identification. He don’t have nothing but a gun to identify him. I would’ve called the damn police on him. Like there is a white Caucasian man about 6ft y’all that I think is falsely impersonating a police officer I thought the same but apparently the article says that the police department confirmed it was one of thier officers.

If I didn’t know what was supposed to be going on there, I would wonder if the guy hadn’t been pulling his gun out to rob the place.

Looked way more suspicious than the customer putting Mentos in a pocket, that’s for sure 🤔