d-d-dangerous:

saundering:

d-d-dangerous:

IDK how you see a post about “a missing child” and it’s made for a 17 year old LGBT person reportedly covered in self harm scars who left with their valuables and pet to live with their boyfriend and think ‘kidnapping’ and reblog it.

Like, please, please take 10 seconds to think about the context and look at the facts before spreading something and trying to track down someone who doesn’t want to be found. 

I see so many “missing child” posts made by family of 16-17 year old LGBT people who clearly needed to leave. I hate to think of them being dragged back to an abusive home.

I know people just want to help and do the right thing, and the “spread like wildfire” and “reblog to save a life” comments may make you feel guilty for ignoring it, but just be careful. 

There is a difference between a 4 year old disappearing and a very nearly adult saving up money to escape and leaving in the night with their valuables and pet/s. Be wary of ‘missing’ teens in general but particularly those who are LGBT.

I had this happen at 23. I had a missing person’s report filed against me. I hadn’t harmed myself – I simply decided to leave. Be wary of giving away information.

That’s true that missing persons reports can be filed on adults who attempt to leave home. This also can happen to adults who move out of their parent’s home state as well as adults who cut ties with their parents. This happens to people who move without telling anyone, move farther away then the parents would like, stop answering the phone, block their numbers, change the locks, etc even if the people ‘searching’ know that they are alive and well because they are still speaking to other family members or posting on social media. They just don’t care. Bottom line is not everyone claimed to be missing is actually missing.

While my post was just a mini rant about LGBT minors escaping abusive parents in particular, it gained traction so I’m going to add to it. Here are some things I want you to think about when you see ‘missing person’ posts:

• Someone could be trying to escape. As I’ve already mentioned this is common with parental abuse and LGBT people but domestic abuse victims on the run is a situation you need to consider, as well as people escaping from a cult, or an arranged marriage or trafficking. You just don’t know what’s going on.
• Just because a post is made doesn’t mean an official report was filed. Anyone can make a post on social media, and it doesn’t require contacting the authorities first. It doesn’t mean the person is really missing, or that the person who made it has good intentions.
• You don’t know who is making the post. The person behind the computer could be an abusive domestic partner looking for the victim who had enough courage and help to escape, or abusive parents who want their child back and will punish them harshly for running away. It could even be an ex trying to track down someone who has put in a lot of effort to distance themselves and move on. Or perhaps even an internet stalker who wants a victim’s specific location and just has their name and photo and so they made the post as a scheme to get information on them.

Here are things you should look for in ‘missing person’ posts:

• How old are they? Are we talking about a 4 year old child who disappeared from the mall or a 17 year old who left home? Young children are more likely to be actually missing and people old enough to care for themselves are more likely to be escaping something or someone. However, you need to consider that teens and adults can get kidnapped esp for trafficking and that small children can be tracked down maliciously just like teens and adults can. In an abuse situation, where one party escapes and take the child, the abuser could make a post to try and look for the child and their ex. This may also be the case for a parent who didn’t get custody or had all parental rights taken away. It’s just something to consider and you can’t determine a situation from age, or any of these factors, alone.
• Did they take anything with them? Someone who disappeared while walking the dog and left behind their phone, keys, wallet, etc has almost certainly been kidnapped and someone who left with bags full of clothes, their wallet, keys, and phone, valuables such as computer, or even their pet/s or child/ren is someone who almost certainly left of their own accord. Pay attention to what they list off as also missing, what they were last seen carrying, or what the poster explicitly says they packed up and took with them. Generally, people who are kidnapped don’t pack first.
• Where were they going or last seen? Sometimes where they were last seen, like a bus stop or train station might be a clue that they were leaving and not kidnapped, and sometimes the post may explicitly say they were going somewhere, like to ‘visit’ their close friend or partner, who they may be moving in with or staying with until they find a place. Not a guarantee, but sometimes people are where they say they are and the poster just wants them to come back.
• Any situational details? The post that prompted my mini rant mentioned that the “missing person” had self-harm scars on their arms and thighs and that they were LGBT. Someone who self-harms may be doing it to cope with abuse, especially a minor, though of course, it could be unrelated. And as for being LGBT that’s a big risk factor for parental abuse and they are more likely to run away. That paired with the person having left with their things including phone, computer and cat, and was mentioned to be going to their boyfriend is enough to see they have not been kidnapped. Pay attention to details.
• Does the poster ask you to contact them, or the police? I see a lot of posts with phrasing like “the police have tried everything and looked everywhere, so if you see them please call or text me ASAP” and even actively discourage you from contacting the authorities. That’s a big red flag. This person could be as mentioned before, an abuser trying to get their victim back, an ex, a stalker, or even in the situation where someone has actually been kidnapped, the kidnapper themselves. They may do this to keep tabs on the search effort and if someone calls and says they’ve seen the person, they’ll know it’s time to move on. Don’t ever call or text a personal number to give information on a missing person, even if they are actually missing.

If you do believe that someone has been kidnapped, is actually missing or in danger and you have information, call the police! That is what they are there for. Cops suck, but you have absolutely no idea whose cell phone number is in that post. Don’t use it. You could be putting someone in very real danger.

It’s not like I’m an expert or anything, but I hope this helps. Please take the time to read a missing person post and use context clues and common sense to determine if action needs to be taken. Don’t in your effort to help spread a post for a person who doesn’t want to be found or in an actual dangerous situation give information to the wrong people. Be smart and help people stay safe. Don’t blindly reblog, that’s all.

I would also add that, especially if the person is underage? The fact that the cops are involved in the case does not mean that they didn’t voluntarily leave for good reason.

It can be suspicious if the people looking for them seem to be avoiding official involvement, but minors pretty much belong to their parents. No matter what’s going on–and it’s really not safe to assume that the authorities are not going to just return kids to a bad situation.

When I was younger, I knew too many kids who got picked up by the cops and locked up on psych units. Court ordered and/or on their families’ say-so. Nobody seemed interested in finding out why the kids kept needing to run away, or doing anything about the situation when told. Instead, they tended to get treated as spoiled brats who were tearing apart their (abusive) families, and further lose credibility afterwards thanks to Scary Diagnostic Labels.

Another thing to keep in mind with the frequency of “Missing Child is mentally ill/otherwise disabled, and must immediately be dragged back For Their Own Good”, BTW. Especially given the appalling abuse rates faced by disabled kids, to begin with. (Also disabled adults. And thanks to ableism, that is too likely to override all critical thinking if some Concerned Soul is looking for them even when the person is a grown-ass adult.)

Thankfully no direct personal experience, but I saw that happen to multiple teens in what sounded like totally plausibly, legitimately awful home situations. Some of them also queer, yeah.

Basically, it can be a huge mistake to assume that the authorities must be looking out for the wellbeing of people reported missing. Particularly when it’s a minor, with the power imbalances and lack of basic rights there.

I really wish this were not the case. But, I have to remain highly suspicious of missing teen searches, in particular, when I have no way of knowing what’s going on there. Too many people with reasons to leave, not nearly enough guarantee that anyone in a position to do much about it is looking out for their safety. Whether or not the authorities are involved.