admiral-world:

ceeblathers:

ceeblathers:

did I ever tell you guys how I lost the most overtly religious friend I’ve ever had because she insisted I was hellbound over a pair of jeans

apparently not by your reactions SO let’s talk about emily 

emily was catholic and found it really, really important that you knew that

she was discrete for the most part (sign of the cross before meals and blushing when the lord’s name was said in vain sorts of things) but she had a habit of berating people for politely declining her invitations to her church services and was sort of a pain in the ass about it at times but that’s beside the point 

we were friends for about two and a half years

and then she borrowed a pair of my jeans.

now these jeans 

were not just any pair of jeans 

they were lucky brand jeans and the nicest jeans I owned at the time, but I was always cool with letting people borrow things when they really needed them 

so this fateful day rolls around and emily is freaking out because she tore her skirt (as in straight up the back, mortifyingly torn) while we were out for coffee waiting for her other friend to pick her up because she was going on a weekend trip with this other friend’s (even more religious) family and her only other option was a pair of starchy pants that would absolutely suck to sit comfortably in for a five hour drive

so I do what any good friend would do and give her the extra pair of jeans I have in my car

which are my luckys

now I didn’t think anything of it and just assumed I’d done a great service here right 

but flash forward three days 

and she comes back 

and doesn’t say 

anything 

just hands me the jeans 

pivots 

and walks away 

so naturally I’m like??????????

so she proceeds to send me a text the next day saying that I made her look horrible to her friend’s mom because she nicely offered to wash the jeans before returning them and that’s right around the time I remember that Lucky brand jeans  have a lovely little note on the fly

they look like this

and then you unzip them and

so that’s the story of how my catholic friend stopped talking to me because I accidentally tainted her social life with my subtle sexual vicious trollop jeans 

That is both terrible, and absolutely fucking hilarious