Day: October 27, 2018

One not-so-funny thing about that ridiculous little spill earlier. (Well, besides ending up in rather a lot of pain, which probably isn’t helping the rest.)

When I suddenly came down almost on top of him, Mr. C’s immediate impulse was to throw his arms around me. Which probably wouldn’t be a bad impulse at all, dealing with most people.

I, however, yelled at him to get his arms off me.

(Then did manage to add that I knew he was trying to help, but everything was overwhelming right then. Trouble talking or no.)

I apologized and explained more as soon as possible. He seemed reasonably OK about it. But, I did lose it and yell when I shouldn’t have.

So, now I can’t stop doing the good old Scrupulosity Shuffle. Yell at somebody you care about when you don’t have good control, and wind up triggering yourself 😱

But yeah, if it had been my mom? That would have been enough to leave her seriously pissed at me and prone to explosions for at least the rest of the day. If not longer. With the potential to turn into some very ugly scenes. (But, that’s different, whatever she did. I was the one who created the entire situation, when she was Only Trying To Help 😵)

Let’s just say that my stressed autistic person behavior and her unaddressed borderline tendencies did not always mesh well. (Which tended to turn into a problem when I was sick/in pain in general, for that extra bit of PTSD background dread for a good while now.)

Anyway, I don’t think he’s liable to respond like that. Especially understanding (and, frankly, caring) why that happened–with apologies. We’ve known each other in person for over 15 years now, and he has yet to behave that way.

A lot like with the sudden spate of meltdowns a while back, though? I can’t stop feeling like maybe I have seriously fucked up, however unintentionally, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Besides going off into more “maybe I really am a terrible person who doesn’t care about anyone else and just keeps hurting the people around me” garbage, naturally.

Never much fun to ride out, but as usual trying to argue with it is a bigger losing proposition.