Day: July 8, 2018

bittersnurr:

momofmusa:

screengeniuz:

miscreant-side-puffs:

theradicalresistance:

There are men out there who learn to see the signs of a girl or woman being vulnerable, sad, self-hating, self-harming, depressed, mentally ill, traumatized or submissive because of fear or socialization, because they know these girls and women aren’t likely to put up that much of a fight and defend themselves and therefore they consider them easy targets for manipulation, abuse, violence and sexual exploitation and coercion. “Why does she choose such bad men?” is such an irrelevant question. “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” is such an irrelevant question. The questions we should be asking is: “Why are these men drawn to women they can hurt?”, “Why do men seek out women only to hurt and abuse them?”, and “Why does he hurt her?”.

And ladies that’s why I keep telling ya to be on cynical as hell on here and another platforms cause these dudes stay trying to groom you into relationships that you probably don’t want and really don’t need atm. Don’t let these fake ass online “shoulder to cry on” internet “Nice guys” fool you. They are just preying on your feelings. Treat them like fungus keep them in the dark and feed them shit.

Seek out professional help/advice or find some lady peers to talk to. Don’t get caught up. Speaking from second hand experience. ✌❤

Speaking from first hand experience with a friend, not a boyfriend: so-called “friends” can do it too. Emotional abuse. Prey on your weaknesses. Celebrate your failures. Treat you like shit. All of that. I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to defend myself at the time. But – thankfully – the friendship ended, however I still wanted to know “WHY”. Why would I allow someone to treat me that way? I was way too embarrassed to talk to anyone I knew (and who knew me) – loving family, other wonderful friends – about it. So I sought a therapist. Someone who was neutral. Who didn’t know me. Who was kind and understanding. And I worked through my feelings of inadequacy, lacking self-love, etc. Therapy was a marvelous, MARVELOUS, experience. I was able to talk through all of my fears and ask SO many questions. I was given exercises/assignments to do. Ultimately, in the end, I really learned the value of loving myself. Really LOVING myself. And liking myself a little bit more than I had before. I would still be circling the drain (or worse) and engaging in hurtful, unhealthy relationships (romantic and otherwise), MANY years later, if I hadn’t sought help at that time.

Along with @screengeniuz  There are some siblings/family members who can do this to you as well.. I’ve been there.  I had an older sibling swoon into my life when 16 yrs old, confused, burned out with school, I was down and feeling worthless.   She was not the favorite sibling in the family. Manipulative.. She thought she was molding a 2nd coming of herself.. When I was 35 yrs old I stood up and backed her off.. After a while I discovered over time she created a rift between my other sisters and myself… ( I could not figure out why they were acting odd with me)She got to know my personality, got to know my personality with them and used it against me when I couldn’t be there to defend myself. Being the baby and they were way older, not believing she could do such a thing.. They believe her about me and I believed her about them.  well, skip… Age 35 I got tired and started to feel I am some body and she clowned… She got ugly. I will digress… Anyway… We made up years later but, the relationship is not the same.. I am not very comfortable with her as I use to be.. I don’t call nor talk to her as often but, I don’t believe in cutting family ties…

This is absolutely true. The main problem I have with this sort of thing is, it is a problem across the board, not a problem with dating. Every single friend I made in grade school, either abruptly stopped being my friend or I caught like, gossiping about how they didn’t really like me behind my back. I have had multiple unpaid internships which sent me home halfway and told me they would give me credit for the internship but I wasn’t needed. I don’t even have cell numbers of any of my family outside my mother, and even she doesn’t hear about them LEAVING THE COUNTRY for example until like a month after they come back.

Ok so clearly I could use a neutral party at that point to weigh in. I actually started therapy at age 6! I have been to a dozen therapists in the past 2 decades. What did they have to say? Well, to put it simply, therapists for children are employed by aduts, not children. This matters because it means every therapist from before I turned 18 would come at everything I said with the assumption it wasn’t true. The people who say horrible things to your face every day do not hate you actually, you are imagining it. Your family brought you to me how could they be abusive! The bad ones since then have been largely ones gatekeeping treatment. The one who refused to test me for adhd because of the depression dx, the pain clinic one etc. The doctors that the PCPs called in to evaluate me were kind of neutral, they came back with “wow no wonder you’re depressed you got sent to me instead of a specialist for your disability”. The 2 that have been at all helpful both were picked by me with no input from anyone else and one of them was fully out of pocket so not even insurance had a say.

So to put this bluntly, it is super common for mental health professionals to not be neutral parties at all, because humans are bias. Which is scary enough on a normal doctor, but it feels so much worse when you are there because people have made you distrust your perceptions and the response is “have you considered they are right?” How common is this? well my current therapist, who is one of the two helpful ones, has agreed that it is legit safer to have me be suicidal then in a mental hospital because SHE is scared of what would happen to me because here is the kicker: this conditioning also makes you so much more vulnerable to medical abuse. Not just from therapists but all doctors, like man you haven’t been gaslit until you have been to a pain clinic, it is fucking incredible. (Very seriously, if you have a history of this BRING WITNESSES TO DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS for your own safety).

And something that makes this harder is… it makes it really hard to tell if you ARE being awful. Like as many people on this site will point out, it is not exactly uncommon for people to use mental illness as an excuse to not fix their own bad behavior. When you look back on your life and it has ALWAYS been this way, when it isn’t just failed dating attempts but also friendships, also family, even WORK seems to be effected, that kind of makes the common thread in everything you doesn’t it? Like if I can as an adult look at my mother and realize that everything she does that hurts me is literally because she refuses to acknowledge SHE has problems and refuses to admit it so she could mitigate harm how the hell could I trust myself to see if I am doing the same thing? I don’t know honestly. I have asked a lot of people but no one has been able to give a good answer.

IDK I guess what I am saying is, the big scary thing with this is once this starts it often keeps going. You get groomed for easy abuse, it attracts more people that hurt you, the hurt makes it worse/grooms you more, it attracts more bad people. etc. Eventually the idea of people not seeing you as a burden becomes more and more unrealistic because it’s all you’ve ever known and it’s been decades with no evidence otherwise. Even if you find a good therapist “you deserve better” feels hollow when there are a dozen other voices around you saying it’s a lie, and only one of them is your brain. And most people won’t want to pick up the pieces and help you put them back together. Your damage becomes other people’s justification for why you aren’t worth their time.