myceliorum:

clatterbane:

demonsanddogweeds:

owlygem:

autasticanna:

Facts that adults don’t tell you about bullying

– Communication doesn’t work on bullies. Telling a bully they’re making you feel bad is the wrong way to go. They want to make you feel bad. That’s the point.

– being kind to a bully doesn’t always mean they’ll stop. Sometimes it means they’ll just use your kindness to manipulate you while still continuing to bully you.

– not every bully has a sympathetically tragic home life. Sometimes people are just mean. Sometimes people just get off on hurting others.

– on that note, a tough home life is a reason, not an excuse. You don’t have to put up with bullying because somebody’s life sucks, just like you don’t have to let someone mug you because they’re broke.

– in order to forgive someone, they have to apologize first. If your bully has not apologized to you, you do not owe them anything.

– getting bullied as a kid can still mess you up in adult life. Maybe kids grow out of being bullies, but the marks they left often don’t go away.

– there are ways to get people to stop bullying you, but they almost all involve being mean back.

– as long as parents keep raising shitty bullying kids, there will be bullies. No amount of assemblies and hand-drawn posters will fix the problem. It’s the parents’ fault.

the only time I got a real life bully to stop was when I punched him in the face.

Some from my own experience;

-Even if teachers and the kids’ parents do their darndest to end the bullying with detentions and such, it might not work.

-Changing schools might not work, either.

-Fighting back might not work, if the bullies are strong guys and like to beat you up. I fought back, but got punched and kicked a lot back.

-If nothing seems to work, try to find a way to take courses in adult education.

Every situation is different, and so is what’s more likely to help. Sometimes nothing really does, besides riding it out the best you can. (And I know how much easier said that can be.)

I got two main approaches, neither of them remotely helpful.

At school: “Maybe try not being so weird”/“Ignore it!”

At home: “You must not have beaten on them enough, or they wouldn’t still be bothering you!” (Or, you know, maybe that approach is not actually appropriate in all circumstances, and might make it easier to paint you as The Real Problem 😩)

I’ll add that even in cases where bullies do get physical, they don’t necessarily have to be good at fighting for giving it back to them not to work so well as a deterrent. Sometimes they’re just sneaky. Sometimes they’ll carefully keep out of lunging range and throw stuff, after they’ve learned that getting closer is bad for their health. Sometimes provoking you into flipping your shit is apparently worth the beatdown. (Especially with the right audience. See also: sneaky.) And so on.

Expecting bullies’ motives and actions to even make sense to anyone but other people with the same mindset can be a mistake.

There is no one-size solution. I really wish I could offer one, myself. But, too many adults do want to think they have one–and it’s somehow a child’s fault if that’s just not working.

All this.  And also.  There will be adult bullies when you are an adult.  (Adults can also bully kids, of course.)  And if you run into the worst, they will be sophisticated, dedicated beyond belief to hurting people, and adept at what they do beyond what you may be able to imagine or believe is possible.