Once my friend Henry was accused of wearing wireless headphones by a substitute so she said for him to hand them over so he took them off and handed them to her. Then later on she asked him a question and he didn’t respond so she said it louder and he still didn’t respond. She asked why he was not responding and he said “I can’t understand you ma’am, you took my hearing aids.”
HOLY SHIT
one time we had a sub that was handing back papers and called my name. I asked if someone could grab it for me and she started mocking me for not even standing up. taunting me asking why I was not walking up to the front to get the paper myself.
my classmates went dead silent and after the sub’s laughter ended someone informed her that the wheelchair parked nearby belonged to me
I had a sub in English once, on presentation day. And everyone goes up and does their thing, and then its my turn. The whole time im stuttering and mixing up my words, having to stop and re-say my sentences. The rest of the class is used to this and claps. However, by the time its over, the teacher is 100% done.
Starts saying horrible thing about how im going to have to get over my ‘fear of public speaking’ and how she’s heard 8 year olds give better presentations (plus worse things but I don’t really member them). By then im in tears and on the brink of a panic attack, and then she starts telling me off for crying
The rest of the class is horrified. Then this boy stands up. He never been my friend and we never really got along, but he’d never bullied me. He told her in a pissed off, cold voice that in freshmen year I got a concussion and that I never really recovered from it, so all that was medical related and I couldn’t help it. Then he starts telling her off and the rest of the class joins him.
The teacher is mortified and tries to cover her ass, but the whole class walked out and that boy took me by the shoulders and we all walked to the principles office and told him what had happened. Lets just say she isn’t teaching anymore.
Also, turns out that boy had a sister like me, who couldn’t really speak. We’ve been best friends for 8 years and i’ll be his best woman at his wedding next year.
The moral is that Teachers, even subs, and adults shouldn’t scold kids before knowing the whole story, because shit like that can fuck up kids self-esteem for the rest of their life.
When I was thirteen, I had to have spinal surgery. When my doctor said I was allowed to attend school again, he said I had to use a wheelchair when on school grounds. My first day back at school, my special-ed teacher had put up a banner in her classroom that read, “There is no elevator to success. You must take the stairs.” I asked what that meant regarding my wheelchair, and she gave me detention for “disrespecting her authority”. The next week she gave us a homework assignment to design a poster that could potentially be used as a Public Service Advertisement. On the due-date, I handed this in.
My special-ed teacher was fucking OUTRAGED. She wanted me expelled for ridiculing her authority in front of the other students. The principal proclaimed my work to be “a masterpiece of satirical genius” and vetoed the special-ed teacher’s attempt to expel me.
Reblogging this post yet again, this time for the masterpiece of satirical genius. Hope the teacher got in trouble.
this is such a bad product. you might have temporary control over your tot but youre just going to make it stronger. whats worse than an uncontrollable baby? an uncontrollable baby who has never missed leg day and could kill you with one kick
why would you fill something with syrup im..?
WEIGH YOUR INFANT DOWN WITH ＳＹＲＵＰ
These are prank gift boxes, which cheers my heart enormously because I haven’t seen good ones like these for about 9 years, when I originally bought some from the Onion.
People still talk about the gifts they unwrapped that purported to be stuff like the “Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm” that would help you “wake up to your next fire feeling refreshed”. It was a jungle-themed one where the alarm was the “soothing sounds of a rainforest.”
You can imagine the looks on people’s faces as they unwrapped the gift and read the box.
Of course the box was full of an actual gift, like a nice pleasant gift, so that people would burst out laughing with total relief when they realized the box wasn’t a real product. I don’t remember what the real gifts were and neither does anyone else. They still talk about the boxes. People reused the boxes and regifted them. It’s a joke that only works once per person,but you get a lot of mileage out of it.
The Onion stopped doing them and I could never find such good ones again.
which means that when he was choosing his super scary Dark Lord name, he just mashed up the surnames of the most positive figures in his life. poor sod can’t even evil right
literally a ‘what is your star wars name’ meme
2nd two letters of your mother’s last name Last two letters of your father’s last name
Due to a typo, your local store/mall/etc. put out a request for an appearance by Satan instead of Santa. He follows through with the request.
He shows up and reads through the entire job contract, notes the spelling ‘Santa’ and just corrects each one with a red pen. He eyes the mall representative, who is sweating bullets, but says nothing about the fact that the contracts he’s making are with children, or that they don’t involve souls of any kind. He signs on the bottom line in a strange, bony quill. There’s a strange red flash, and the mall rep is super reluctant to ask. Or touch the contract.
Satan wears the red suit and the hat and the boots, if awkwardly (those cloven hooves, don’tchaknow).
The elves stand well away, but he’s hardly bothered by that, casually waiting on a throne that’s far more cheerful and composed of significantly less bone than the one he’s used to.
The children are hesitant at first, until a little girl marches up, sans-parents, and plops herself on his knee, looking up at him with the set jaw of someone who isn’t interested in this farce.
“I want a pony,” she says with a roll of her eyes. She’s no more than nine. He arches an eyebrow
“Do you?” he asks. She scoffs.
“Tch, no, but you’re just a man in a suit, it’s not like you can’t get me what I want.”
He smiles at her assertiveness and steeples his fingers, careful not to jostle her from her perch.
“Try me.”
She narrows her eyes at him, studying his inscrutable face before folding her arms.
“There’s a bully at my school, and I want him to go away,” she said. His eyebrow arched a little higher and he tilted his head.
“And if I do this, I believe the standard contract is that you will be a ‘good girl’ and behave appropriately towards your most favored parent?’ he replied. The child rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, sure,” she says. He nods and holds out his hand, which curls around hers entirely when she puts hers out.
“It will be done.”
After that, the children are a lot less hesitant, although several adults attempt to leave. Several hundred bargains are made. For toys. For new family. For present family to suffer. For puppies. And kittens. For understanding. For acceptance.
He declines anything borne of pettiness – of momentary squabbles between jealous children – and redirects them towards more productive desires.
He turns away anyone over the age of eighteen, though several adults attempt to approach. Later they are plagued with horrible nightmares.
At the end of each day, he returns to the underworld and assembles teams of demons, handing out assignments to each of them, to be researched heavily and then executed the night of December 24th. The demons are confused, but do as they’re told, because the dark lord’s edicts are undeniable. His secretary gives him an odd look, but Satan is immune to searching looks, and says nothing, just retires to his room, gets up in the morning, has his coffee, and returns to the mall, donning the suit and heading for the chair.
At the end of the week, he has made more than a thousand deals. The demon hordes are scurrying back and forth between hell and the physical plane.
There are many confused parents, come Christmas morning. Some find themselves with various pets they don’t remember registering for. Others with children. Others still find that their children have undergone some sort of personality shift, to the delight of their siblings.
The first girl is bitter in her heart as she opens gifts, until a letter is personally delivered by a strange mailman, detailing the removal of a teacher from the school she attends. She reads and rereads the letter after her parents finish with it, heart beating strangely lighter in her chest. Her parents are bemused and delighted about the hugs she gives them, and about the enthusiasm with which she ravages her other presents.
They are far less bemused by the black, hellfire-maned pony that is left on their doorstep, a tag attached to the pommel of the saddle that reads, ‘To Katie, Regards, Satan’
And tonight in that same pan: a small batch of cornbread thrown together not for eating, but specifically to make dressing with. (Don’t really need the nice iron skillet crust for that, plus it wasn’t enough batter to go in there unless I wanted a baked pancake 😅)
One good excuse to go ahead and make some dressing tomorrow: the surprise middle of this loaf of bread. More of that great Genius brand quality control, so excellent for sandwiches!
At £2.50 or so a loaf, it had better get used for something else. Good reason to have some dressing, and that’s just not right without cornbread. Yay middle of the night baking, when I just about have the energy.
We may not do Christmas around here, but I couldn’t resist. Should work fine with the pork chops I had planned anyway. May just bake those with some mounded on top, too.
Urocyon's Jaunts 2.0 
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