The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.

Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.

“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”



I have decided on a new constellation. I call it The Bees. If you look up at the night sky and see all those sparkly dots, congratulations. You see The Bees. I have just made astrology 10000x easier, you’re welcome.

those born under the sign of the bees:

  • have emotions
  • think thoughts
  • is likely introverted or extroverted
  • has at least a few friends
  • was born at some point


the other day at work, i asked a woman her name– like i do for everyone, because we have to write it on the cup–and she goes “we come in here all the time. you should really know our names by now” as if i don’t serve hundreds of people a day or as though a nondescript middle aged white woman made such an impact upon me that i’d remember her. i was feeling pretty impatient and irritable though, so i covered my name tag with my hand and asked her my name and she didn’t know it and at least had the decency to change demeanor from haughty and superior to sort of quietly embarrassed and i’m fairly sure that’s the only thing i’ve ever done at work that matters to me. 



I just… can’t believe the utter absurdity of someone going “let’s sell some old government furniture” so went into an office where they keep top secret files, saw an old filing cabinet, didn’t bother to check inside of it, organised to have to transported out and sold at a second hand store and at no point did anyone double check any part of this process and go “wait… do you think this filing cabinet designated to hold government secrets might… you know… still contain those secrets?” until SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! THE ABC FINDS HUNDREDS OF SECRET GOVERNMENT FILES AND GOES “WE CAN’T PUBLISH THEM ALL BUT HEY HERE’S THE HIGHLIGHTS!” Someone is probably sitting in their office screaming into their hands so people in the room over can’t hear them. This is just… how????

this is why i firmly believe that writers shouldn’t get too bogged down worrying about “believability”, especially when it comes to government and/or law enforcement incompetence. literally anything is believable.




In 1930, Helene Adelaide Shelby patented an apparatus for obtaining
criminal confessions.  The police put the suspect into a darkened
chamber where they are confronted by a human skeleton with glowing red
eyes that questions them with a voice transmitted from the interrogator
behind it, through a megaphone in its mouth. A camera concealed in the
skull was to record the confessions